Getting together with my beautiful cousins, Jessica, Krystal and Lindsey, while I’m home has become a bit of a tradition. Traditions which I’m so grateful for, as these girls, are the ones in my family whom I feel closest to. Sure, I’m older than all of them; almost 10 years separate Lindz and I. I changed her and Krystal’s diapers back in the day. But, our relationship is this amazing mix of friendship, family and sisterhood. We laugh, we gossip, we talk about boys and our futures. I know that all three of them look up to me in some capacity; all of our family knows that. I don’t think that they know how much I actually admire each of them – for their drive, their motivation, for their tenacity and for their vision to change the things they know, the things which are familiar to the things which they truly desire. For their ability to chase each of their dreams.
While I was home in Michigan this last time, the four of us got together. Just the four of us, without boyfriends, without husbands. True to the form of every woman I know on this planet, the conversation quickly turned from what we were doing, to the men in our lives. I sat there loathing where we were going. Sure, I have men in my life…but none which were awesome enough to bring up to my sisters, my family. The three of them went on and on about how awesome my life is, and how jealous they are for the things I can do; go to see 8 Dave Matthews shows in 12 days, travel the world, get to ride my bike and run in the sunshine, and enjoy my freedom.
In that conversation I became sad. Sad that I didn’t always appreciate the opportunities I have been afforded in my life. Sure, I’m older than them, have graduated college and make a good living for myself…I should be living a life that makes me happy…one that I can financially afford. The sadness also arose from the longing to have what they have, a boyfriend, a husband…hell, I’d be happy with a guy who appreciated me and took active measures to hang out with me.
I began to wonder if anyone is every truly happy with their lives. Or if the grass is always greener on the other side. They long for the freedom, adventure and fun in my life while I long for the stability, comfort and affection in theirs.
Later that week I found myself sitting at a kitchen table with my mom, my aunt and my cousin Kim, we weren’t talking about anything in particular and out of no where my aunt said something about…”when you get married and have kids…” That’s when I lost it. I certifiably lost it on my family. As the emotion rose up to my face I remember saying something about how frustrating it was that every time I was home, someone had to bring up the fact that I’m not married and I don’t have kids. I got it folks, I’m completely aware of the things which I do not have in my life, I don’t need reminders. I continued on with a line about being happy with my life, very happy. I’m happy with the things I’ve done, and get to do. And that I’m ok with NOT being married and not having kids right now. Kim interrupted with, “yea, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen.” I reminded them “that it MAY not happen at all” and that they needed to be ok with that too.
I immediately regretted losing my cool with them. But I think that conversation honestly freed me. Freed me from the pressure that whether real or implied my family, my friends, and the rest of the world had on my shoulders. It was in that moment I truly appreciated my life. And that I was ok with waiting for the next chapter, knowing that when it happens, that’s when it’s supposed to happen. I want the real thing, I don’t want a “maybe this could work” or… “if I do this and he does that…we could make it work” thing. I want the One who makes being with him a joy; makes my moments with him filled with compassion, laughter, friendship, support and love.
As time passes, this lesson and this moment can dim ever so slightly…and I find myself making compromises with myself. And as if the world knows that’s the place I’m in, it sends me reminders. Reminders like that couple who sat next to me at the hockey game. Who held hands all three periods, who laughed with one another and looked into each others eyes as they spoke. I told them I thought they were adorable, and asked how long they’d been married. Five years seemed like a short time for the gray hair they both had. The woman looked me in the eyes and said, “it’s worth waiting for. I promise you. I can’t imagine my life without him in it, and I’m grateful that I waited for him to come into my life.”
Thank you, Cute Couple. You gave me the reminder I needed. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the moments, opportunities and life which I’ve been given, and which I have chased down with the passions in my heart.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Changes
Have you ever looked at yourself and your life and thought…”whoa, how did I get here? How did I become THIS person?” I’ve remembered thinking that as I rub my hands together, in exactly the way my mom has always done. Upon my return back to the States from Cape Town, I remember sitting in my closet, “thinking how on earth did I get here??” Not literally in the closet, of course…but here in my life. My life is nearly 178 degrees different from the life I had back on August 17th, the day *before* I was laid off from Red Mountain.
Once a planful, methodical, logical thinker and calculated risk taker, I’m now finding myself in this spontaneous, follow your heart, live the life YOU want…not the one which THEY want sort of person.
I literally sold most all of my belongings. Ok, ok, I obviously kept the really good stuff like the 50” Plasma, my clothes, my Ipod and Bose soundstage and my amazing Calpholan pans. It was a strange process, seeing your things, the things you’ve worked hard to obtain just get walked out the door in the hands of strangers. (p.s. I love Craigslist for providing the means for this to occur) Just like that, I felt a little bit freer. Free from the grips of the world. Free to enjoy this journey.
I also, moved in with my amazing friends, Alex and Berenice. This was no easy feat, since I’ve always prided myself on being this independent, I can do it all myself sort of person. And here I am, living in a guest room turned, Anna room with very little things to remind me of the life I just had. Almost daily, I get asked if I’ll be “home for dinner”…as cheesy as it sounded at first, you’re asking a 30-year old grown woman if she’ll be home for dinner, like I was 15 again…I found the love in it. It feels good to be a part of something bigger than just myself. To be a part of a family.
Probably hardest of all, was packing up all of Stella’s things and driving her up to Michelle’s house. Tears welled up in my eyes as I merged onto the 405 North, I decided to stop holding them back. To cry. To sob uncontrollably at the thought of saying goodbye to the one constant in my life for the last five years. Sure I knew that she’d be in good hands. I knew Michelle would love her, as I do. I thought back to all of the moments I’d had with Stella in the last five years, the break-ups and heartbreak over saying goodbye to boyfriends and friends in my life. To the high points of moving into my apartment in Irvine. To my family visiting. To all of the naps we’d take, her snuggled into my armpit. She got me. She knew when I was sad, and let me know in her own feline way that it was going to be ok, and that she loved me. I’m only recently starting to sleep somewhat normally, some say it was jetlag, I honestly believe it’s because Stella hasn’t been there.
So those three are the super obvious changes. Slowly I’m starting to realize the little changes I’ve made in my life and in myself. I think this freeing, this world I live in now that has little to no stress, has freed me to think in ways I’m not really wired to think in.
I’ve found myself really valuing the people around me. Being genuinely thankful for their presence in my life. Not that I wasn’t always appreciative of them… I just find myself being more aware of the good people in my life. And with that, I’m less inclined to tolerate the people who aren’t giving me exactly what I’d give them. At the end of the day, I want to be surrounded by like-minded people. I don’t have time for sometimes-friends, because I have too many always-friends. And those are the people who I want to spend my time with.
When an invitation to go to Cape Town was presented, by a friend who I’d say, I wasn’t REALLY that close with. I threw caution to the wind and accepted. Sure, I didn’t know if I’d have enough money or if we’d be good traveling partners. I trusted my gut. And my gut said GO. I couldn’t have asked for a better group to travel with. I couldn’t have asked for a more amazing experience. I had no idea what I’d see there, usually my trip were planned out with itineraries. I sat back, and enjoyed the ride this time, and walked away with some amazing new friends and a stronger relationship with Chase.
I’m finding that I can now take a leap of faith, instead of overwhelming myself with the pros and cons of a situation. Sure I know the consequences of this particular leap. But the rewards seem like a likely outcome too. I’ve never been much of a gambler. But I gambled a little this week. Figuratively, of course! More on that in a future post. J
Likely there are other isms that have changed in me over the course of the last 4 months, but I thought these were worthy of being noted. It’s been an incredible ride so far. True story!!
Once a planful, methodical, logical thinker and calculated risk taker, I’m now finding myself in this spontaneous, follow your heart, live the life YOU want…not the one which THEY want sort of person.
I literally sold most all of my belongings. Ok, ok, I obviously kept the really good stuff like the 50” Plasma, my clothes, my Ipod and Bose soundstage and my amazing Calpholan pans. It was a strange process, seeing your things, the things you’ve worked hard to obtain just get walked out the door in the hands of strangers. (p.s. I love Craigslist for providing the means for this to occur) Just like that, I felt a little bit freer. Free from the grips of the world. Free to enjoy this journey.
I also, moved in with my amazing friends, Alex and Berenice. This was no easy feat, since I’ve always prided myself on being this independent, I can do it all myself sort of person. And here I am, living in a guest room turned, Anna room with very little things to remind me of the life I just had. Almost daily, I get asked if I’ll be “home for dinner”…as cheesy as it sounded at first, you’re asking a 30-year old grown woman if she’ll be home for dinner, like I was 15 again…I found the love in it. It feels good to be a part of something bigger than just myself. To be a part of a family.
Probably hardest of all, was packing up all of Stella’s things and driving her up to Michelle’s house. Tears welled up in my eyes as I merged onto the 405 North, I decided to stop holding them back. To cry. To sob uncontrollably at the thought of saying goodbye to the one constant in my life for the last five years. Sure I knew that she’d be in good hands. I knew Michelle would love her, as I do. I thought back to all of the moments I’d had with Stella in the last five years, the break-ups and heartbreak over saying goodbye to boyfriends and friends in my life. To the high points of moving into my apartment in Irvine. To my family visiting. To all of the naps we’d take, her snuggled into my armpit. She got me. She knew when I was sad, and let me know in her own feline way that it was going to be ok, and that she loved me. I’m only recently starting to sleep somewhat normally, some say it was jetlag, I honestly believe it’s because Stella hasn’t been there.
So those three are the super obvious changes. Slowly I’m starting to realize the little changes I’ve made in my life and in myself. I think this freeing, this world I live in now that has little to no stress, has freed me to think in ways I’m not really wired to think in.
I’ve found myself really valuing the people around me. Being genuinely thankful for their presence in my life. Not that I wasn’t always appreciative of them… I just find myself being more aware of the good people in my life. And with that, I’m less inclined to tolerate the people who aren’t giving me exactly what I’d give them. At the end of the day, I want to be surrounded by like-minded people. I don’t have time for sometimes-friends, because I have too many always-friends. And those are the people who I want to spend my time with.
When an invitation to go to Cape Town was presented, by a friend who I’d say, I wasn’t REALLY that close with. I threw caution to the wind and accepted. Sure, I didn’t know if I’d have enough money or if we’d be good traveling partners. I trusted my gut. And my gut said GO. I couldn’t have asked for a better group to travel with. I couldn’t have asked for a more amazing experience. I had no idea what I’d see there, usually my trip were planned out with itineraries. I sat back, and enjoyed the ride this time, and walked away with some amazing new friends and a stronger relationship with Chase.
I’m finding that I can now take a leap of faith, instead of overwhelming myself with the pros and cons of a situation. Sure I know the consequences of this particular leap. But the rewards seem like a likely outcome too. I’ve never been much of a gambler. But I gambled a little this week. Figuratively, of course! More on that in a future post. J
Likely there are other isms that have changed in me over the course of the last 4 months, but I thought these were worthy of being noted. It’s been an incredible ride so far. True story!!
Friday, November 27, 2009
What am I supposed to do the day AFTER Thanksgiving??
Note: I haven't posted in awhile, but true to form, I have a lot on my mind that I am shooting to get written out and posted - like that little trip I just returned from...you know the one, where I went to South Africa! However, you'll have to wait for that. There's other stuff on my mind today like yesterday.
Dear Thanksgiving:
You're truly one of my most favorite holidays. What with all that yummy food, and delicious desserts. But I don't believe people really give you credit for what you are...the day to give thanks. To be thankful. Now I for one, am not of the "Give Thanks on Thanksgiving ONLY" camp. I actually make a concerted effort to show my gratitude daily...by the moment if it's necessary. A while ago, back in my Red Mountain days, the folks over at PL&L wanted us to carry "Gratitude Rocks." I never did. Not because I didn't like the idea, but because I think if you need a rock to remind yourself to be grateful...you've got bigger issues. Sure, it'd remind me...but I should be reminding myself. And frankly, no I did NOT want a damn rock in my pocket or purse. I aspire to be someone who is thankful all the time, not just on your day. So while I do enjoy the food that comes out in hoards (but not the dishes that I inevitably help in cleaning) and the thankful-ness in the air on the last Thursday of November, I do wish you'd come around more often. Like every day. Ok, ok, not the food part, but the thankfulness part.
Regards-
Anna
With that, and in no particular order...and NOT on Thanksgiving...here are some things I am thankful for:
Dear Thanksgiving:
You're truly one of my most favorite holidays. What with all that yummy food, and delicious desserts. But I don't believe people really give you credit for what you are...the day to give thanks. To be thankful. Now I for one, am not of the "Give Thanks on Thanksgiving ONLY" camp. I actually make a concerted effort to show my gratitude daily...by the moment if it's necessary. A while ago, back in my Red Mountain days, the folks over at PL&L wanted us to carry "Gratitude Rocks." I never did. Not because I didn't like the idea, but because I think if you need a rock to remind yourself to be grateful...you've got bigger issues. Sure, it'd remind me...but I should be reminding myself. And frankly, no I did NOT want a damn rock in my pocket or purse. I aspire to be someone who is thankful all the time, not just on your day. So while I do enjoy the food that comes out in hoards (but not the dishes that I inevitably help in cleaning) and the thankful-ness in the air on the last Thursday of November, I do wish you'd come around more often. Like every day. Ok, ok, not the food part, but the thankfulness part.
Regards-
Anna
With that, and in no particular order...and NOT on Thanksgiving...here are some things I am thankful for:
- My health, and my legs. As much as I sometimes hate running, I really do appreciate that I can.
- My freedom. And the people who are protecting that.
- My family. As dysfunctional as we sometimes are, those people are part of who I am. Part of who I will always be. And honestly, the holidays just don't seem the same without them.
- Stella. It took me dropping her off at Michelle's to really, REALLY see the impact that she's had on me, my life and my sleeping patterns. Her love is unconditional.
- Speaking of Michelle, I'm thankful for her too. Your friendship, support, and generosity in taking care of my baby while I'm on my journey means the world to me. I can only hope the rest of you have people like her in your life.
- For the Gurski's. Without you guys I'm not sure Orange County would have ever become home. Thank you for inviting me into your home and your family.
- Facebook. Yes, I'm thankful for that. For keeping me connected with friends through status updates, messages and photos. You allow me to keep tabs on just about anyone who's path has crossed mine in the last...oh, 30 years.
- For Eric, who compassionately laid me off from Red Mountain, and freed me to do the things I want to do. Have dreamed of doing.
- For Sarah, whose friendship seems to grow as days and years pass. For your daughters who have reminded me to slow down, and cherish the moments I have with them. I only wish I could get time with you more often.
- For the little angel on my shoulder the last week who has prevented me from being in 3, yes, three accidents on the freeway, that happened...right in front of me. I'm not sure why, but someone is making sure I'm safe and sound.
- To Chase and the rest of Team USA...for being the raddest travel companions anyone could have. South Africa was amazing BECAUSE you were there with me.
- I'm thankful that there is Cholula here in California. Any state that doesn't have this, is not a state I wish to be part of, Tapitio...sorry...you're second.
- To Manus, honestly -- you're one of the best people in my life. You've taught me to wait patiently, love strongly, stand up for what you believe, to have integrity and honor, and how a man should treat a lady.
- To the people who sat next to me at the hockey game this week...for reminding me what I'm waiting for. I want the love like you have. And I'm ok waiting for it. Thanks for the reminder.
- And lastly... leggings, internet access, Trader Joe's amazing black bean dip and dark chocolate covered pretzels, for the ocean, my amazing friends and opportunities to travel to see the world, explore, and find myself and discover what my dreams are and how to reach them.
Friday, October 30, 2009
20 Days in the Mitten State
Clearly I’m terrible about writing. I’ll stop apologizing for it…I’m a firm believer that things happen when they’re supposed to…so I guess me writing more frequently just isn’t supposed to happen.
Note: I meant to post this a week ago, I didn’t. So it’s more clear to me now, I do things when I’m supposed to. That being said, I’m summarizing.
I’ve had an amazing 20 days back in the Midwest. So in no particular order, here’s my account of the happenings:
-Gave in to the kid inside of me, and the one standing next to me, and rolled down a really big hill.
-Had a photo shoot with a small group of my most favorite people. The pictures turned out amazing! Thanks for everything, Beck!!
-Politely asked for a 5-year olds only Recees’ Peanut Butter Cup and shockingly she said yes. I can’t say I’d make the same decision if put in her shoes.
-Drank wine and caught up with my bestest friend on this planet, she’s one person who gets me – like few truly do. After all of these years, we can still steal one another’s thoughts and answer for one another.
-Stared in wonderment at the fall colors on the leaves – nearly every day.
-Stood in a glass box, perfectly engineered to cantilever 103 floors above the street – three times. Once with my eyes open. Barely.
-Ate Chicago style pizza for the first time in 15 years.
-Dreamed of a perfect kitchen with Aubs.
-Missed Stella. Tremendously.
-Actually HEARD my mom and cousin tell me how much my cousins look up to me. Adore. Actually I think that’s the word they used.
-Smiled to hear the good news that the University of Michigan Medical Center gave my cousin Pete.
-Found a new appreciation for Ann Arbor.
-Got flashbacks when I walked around the 3rd floor of the architecture building. Spent that time missing it, the people…the experience…and at the same time feeling grateful I wasn’t REQUIRED to be there on a Sunday afternoon.
-Heard my blonde haired, blue-eyed niece yelling my name before I stepped off the train, only to be asked moments later when I’d be leaving. It broke my heart that questions like that, help her cope with the people she loves leaving her.
-Watched a heart-breaking Michigan loss in the final seconds of the game – and the week later miss them make college history AND missed the Buckeyes losing to the Boilermakers!
-Ran around a country block. Turns out they’re WAY bigger blocks up in Fountain, Michigan. Ah, well, a four-miler was exactly what I needed.
-Caught up with a fellow Panther, fellow Californian, and a fellow runner…all the way in Chicago. I love timing like that! It was great to see you John!
-Burned my ass on a radiator.
-Had a drink and caught up with a doctor, a real life doctor!! So great to see you Stacey!
-Cheered on marathoners from mile 25 with a smile and tears in my eyes.
-Spun in circles with two of the most beautiful little girls I know.
-Had a West Michigan style celebrity sighting! I held the bathroom door open for none other than, Mr. Fred Meijer.
-Relished in Jasmin saying my name, over and over. “Nanna. Nanna!”
-Walked down a dirt road with my mom.
-Did a Northern Michigan workout and unloaded a truckful of wood.
-Got my fill of Bell’s Oberon.
-Had dinner with my silly, funny, crazy and beautiful cousins. Twice.
-Felt blessed for the things and people I have in my life.
-Felt jealousy for that which I don’t have.
-Inherited my mom’s anniversary ring.
-Hugged Kamilah and just about cried when she told me she was, “so happy to see me” and that she “had waited for this moment forever.”
-Realized my parents are getting old.
-Laughed with my cousin, who’s really my sister about nothing in particular, but everything in general.
-Got hit on and blown off in less than 24 hours – by the same guy.
-Drank cider and ate warm doughnuts at the Cider Mill.
-Panicked about the things I have to do when I get back to CA.
-Wandered the streets of Chicago – looking at apartments for rent – and wondered if I was going to land there someday.
-Slept 11 hours, straight.
-Watched movies. Lots of them.
-Helped Oliver with his homework. Again.
-Filled my burger from the Butler craving with Juelz.
-Speaking of Juelz, also got my fill of San Chez. Why is that place soooo good?!
-Drank a, not with, Dirty Bastard. Mmmm…Founders!
-Held back tears as I said goodbye to Sarah.
-Hugged the ones I loved as much as I could.
-Boiled over at the “when you have kids…are married…” comment. Again. Seriously folks, I love my life…I’m content being right where I’m at. It’s where I’m supposed to be afterall.
-Felt the tears welling up in my eyes when Nevaeh said…”I don’t want you to leave!!”
-Bought drugs. But not Xanax.
-Did NOT fall asleep to the Snoring Symphony coming from upstairs.
-Did fall asleep with an Ambien. Now THAT was fun times.
-Missed my California friends.
-Tailgated in Ann Arbor.
-Had some smoke of the “wacky tah-backy” blown in my ear. My grandma would be proud.
-Watched the game in the rain and cold, next to the season ticket holder who I was ordered to “get to know”…only because “you two would be great together”
-Told someone what I wanted…and got it.
-Gave into spontaneity and hung out with random, fun strangers. Consequently waking up in a king size bed…between the two of them. No, nothing happened.
-Let down a friend.
-Missed people…while I was still with them – Because I knew I’d have to leave them.
-Ate my Aunt Lori’s cooking. Mmmm…
-Was asleep at 9pm.
-Saw a ballet recital
-Napped.
-Watched the end of Finding Nemo 3 times.
-Snuggled.
-Wondered if maybe we could be perfect for one another. And then quickly pushed that thought out of my head.
-Was called “Ma’am” by a man in a cowboy hat…who then bought my beer. Thank you Mr. Tulsa, OK.
-Wished I could have seen more people, but felt blessed to have spent my time just the way I did
.
-Wished it could have lasted just a little while longer.
Note: I meant to post this a week ago, I didn’t. So it’s more clear to me now, I do things when I’m supposed to. That being said, I’m summarizing.
I’ve had an amazing 20 days back in the Midwest. So in no particular order, here’s my account of the happenings:
-Gave in to the kid inside of me, and the one standing next to me, and rolled down a really big hill.
-Had a photo shoot with a small group of my most favorite people. The pictures turned out amazing! Thanks for everything, Beck!!
-Politely asked for a 5-year olds only Recees’ Peanut Butter Cup and shockingly she said yes. I can’t say I’d make the same decision if put in her shoes.
-Drank wine and caught up with my bestest friend on this planet, she’s one person who gets me – like few truly do. After all of these years, we can still steal one another’s thoughts and answer for one another.
-Stared in wonderment at the fall colors on the leaves – nearly every day.
-Stood in a glass box, perfectly engineered to cantilever 103 floors above the street – three times. Once with my eyes open. Barely.
-Ate Chicago style pizza for the first time in 15 years.
-Dreamed of a perfect kitchen with Aubs.
-Missed Stella. Tremendously.
-Actually HEARD my mom and cousin tell me how much my cousins look up to me. Adore. Actually I think that’s the word they used.
-Smiled to hear the good news that the University of Michigan Medical Center gave my cousin Pete.
-Found a new appreciation for Ann Arbor.
-Got flashbacks when I walked around the 3rd floor of the architecture building. Spent that time missing it, the people…the experience…and at the same time feeling grateful I wasn’t REQUIRED to be there on a Sunday afternoon.
-Heard my blonde haired, blue-eyed niece yelling my name before I stepped off the train, only to be asked moments later when I’d be leaving. It broke my heart that questions like that, help her cope with the people she loves leaving her.
-Watched a heart-breaking Michigan loss in the final seconds of the game – and the week later miss them make college history AND missed the Buckeyes losing to the Boilermakers!
-Ran around a country block. Turns out they’re WAY bigger blocks up in Fountain, Michigan. Ah, well, a four-miler was exactly what I needed.
-Caught up with a fellow Panther, fellow Californian, and a fellow runner…all the way in Chicago. I love timing like that! It was great to see you John!
-Burned my ass on a radiator.
-Had a drink and caught up with a doctor, a real life doctor!! So great to see you Stacey!
-Cheered on marathoners from mile 25 with a smile and tears in my eyes.
-Spun in circles with two of the most beautiful little girls I know.
-Had a West Michigan style celebrity sighting! I held the bathroom door open for none other than, Mr. Fred Meijer.
-Relished in Jasmin saying my name, over and over. “Nanna. Nanna!”
-Walked down a dirt road with my mom.
-Did a Northern Michigan workout and unloaded a truckful of wood.
-Got my fill of Bell’s Oberon.
-Had dinner with my silly, funny, crazy and beautiful cousins. Twice.
-Felt blessed for the things and people I have in my life.
-Felt jealousy for that which I don’t have.
-Inherited my mom’s anniversary ring.
-Hugged Kamilah and just about cried when she told me she was, “so happy to see me” and that she “had waited for this moment forever.”
-Realized my parents are getting old.
-Laughed with my cousin, who’s really my sister about nothing in particular, but everything in general.
-Got hit on and blown off in less than 24 hours – by the same guy.
-Drank cider and ate warm doughnuts at the Cider Mill.
-Panicked about the things I have to do when I get back to CA.
-Wandered the streets of Chicago – looking at apartments for rent – and wondered if I was going to land there someday.
-Slept 11 hours, straight.
-Watched movies. Lots of them.
-Helped Oliver with his homework. Again.
-Filled my burger from the Butler craving with Juelz.
-Speaking of Juelz, also got my fill of San Chez. Why is that place soooo good?!
-Drank a, not with, Dirty Bastard. Mmmm…Founders!
-Held back tears as I said goodbye to Sarah.
-Hugged the ones I loved as much as I could.
-Boiled over at the “when you have kids…are married…” comment. Again. Seriously folks, I love my life…I’m content being right where I’m at. It’s where I’m supposed to be afterall.
-Felt the tears welling up in my eyes when Nevaeh said…”I don’t want you to leave!!”
-Bought drugs. But not Xanax.
-Did NOT fall asleep to the Snoring Symphony coming from upstairs.
-Did fall asleep with an Ambien. Now THAT was fun times.
-Missed my California friends.
-Tailgated in Ann Arbor.
-Had some smoke of the “wacky tah-backy” blown in my ear. My grandma would be proud.
-Watched the game in the rain and cold, next to the season ticket holder who I was ordered to “get to know”…only because “you two would be great together”
-Told someone what I wanted…and got it.
-Gave into spontaneity and hung out with random, fun strangers. Consequently waking up in a king size bed…between the two of them. No, nothing happened.
-Let down a friend.
-Missed people…while I was still with them – Because I knew I’d have to leave them.
-Ate my Aunt Lori’s cooking. Mmmm…
-Was asleep at 9pm.
-Saw a ballet recital
-Napped.
-Watched the end of Finding Nemo 3 times.
-Snuggled.
-Wondered if maybe we could be perfect for one another. And then quickly pushed that thought out of my head.
-Was called “Ma’am” by a man in a cowboy hat…who then bought my beer. Thank you Mr. Tulsa, OK.
-Wished I could have seen more people, but felt blessed to have spent my time just the way I did
.
-Wished it could have lasted just a little while longer.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Mixed Emotions
Tomorrow is the day it begins. Well officially.
I’d be silly to say getting to THIS day hasn’t been a journey.
As I sit here in an apartment that I was SO excited to have, I’m feeling a little sad. I’m sad that I’m leaving it. Leaving this chapter. I’ve spent the week selling off my “things” on Craigslist. Things I worked hard to get – and then I watch them get carried off in someone elses hands. I’ve spent a lot of time putting labels on the things in my life – do I need it? Will I miss it if I don’t have it anymore? Can it be in storage, or does it have to be WITH me?
And despite what Pete says…Stella totally gets that I’m leaving. She’s been extra snuggly and lovey. She knows when there are boxes and suitcases all over the place something is going to happen. I’m going to miss her like crazy. We’ve been through a lot together – yes, I know it sounds silly. But there have been times when it felt like the world walked out. Not Stella. She was right there to remind me she needed water and food, to find a warm spot in the crook of my arm at night, and to bite my toes when I went to the bathroom in the morning. I’m lucky though. Meeshie is going to be a step-mom to Stella Mae while I’m out figuring out the next steps. She’ll love on her like I do…and her nails are WAY longer, so I’m sure Stella will appreciate that!
The good thing about leaving town for a few months, so many people want to spend time with me. Ahhh…Anna and her quality time. I truly heart my time with the people I love. It’s not good-bye with them – but I’m definitely going to miss my friends out here.
With all of this seemingly sadness washing over me…I’m equally full of excitement and happiness. I’m SO excited to see my friends in Chicago. To have drinks with Curt, Stacey, to hang out with Liza and Matt and Aubs. To spend time in one of my favorite cities. AND to be going home. Be serious!! Talks and wine consumption with my bestest friend on this planet. Putting on my “dancing pants” to hang out with Princess Kamilah. Hanging out with my beautiful cousins. And having time to be with my parents. I’m a really lucky girl.
I’m so grateful for the people in my life – and the opportunities I’ve been given. Cheers to the journey. I’ll see you in Chicago and Michigan!
I’d be silly to say getting to THIS day hasn’t been a journey.
As I sit here in an apartment that I was SO excited to have, I’m feeling a little sad. I’m sad that I’m leaving it. Leaving this chapter. I’ve spent the week selling off my “things” on Craigslist. Things I worked hard to get – and then I watch them get carried off in someone elses hands. I’ve spent a lot of time putting labels on the things in my life – do I need it? Will I miss it if I don’t have it anymore? Can it be in storage, or does it have to be WITH me?
And despite what Pete says…Stella totally gets that I’m leaving. She’s been extra snuggly and lovey. She knows when there are boxes and suitcases all over the place something is going to happen. I’m going to miss her like crazy. We’ve been through a lot together – yes, I know it sounds silly. But there have been times when it felt like the world walked out. Not Stella. She was right there to remind me she needed water and food, to find a warm spot in the crook of my arm at night, and to bite my toes when I went to the bathroom in the morning. I’m lucky though. Meeshie is going to be a step-mom to Stella Mae while I’m out figuring out the next steps. She’ll love on her like I do…and her nails are WAY longer, so I’m sure Stella will appreciate that!
The good thing about leaving town for a few months, so many people want to spend time with me. Ahhh…Anna and her quality time. I truly heart my time with the people I love. It’s not good-bye with them – but I’m definitely going to miss my friends out here.
With all of this seemingly sadness washing over me…I’m equally full of excitement and happiness. I’m SO excited to see my friends in Chicago. To have drinks with Curt, Stacey, to hang out with Liza and Matt and Aubs. To spend time in one of my favorite cities. AND to be going home. Be serious!! Talks and wine consumption with my bestest friend on this planet. Putting on my “dancing pants” to hang out with Princess Kamilah. Hanging out with my beautiful cousins. And having time to be with my parents. I’m a really lucky girl.
I’m so grateful for the people in my life – and the opportunities I’ve been given. Cheers to the journey. I’ll see you in Chicago and Michigan!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
All you need is LOVE!!
I’m getting things crossed off my list today. Well, my list of things I’ve been meaning to write about anyway…
If you follow my Facebook updates, you’ll remember last week when I was talking about how a book changed my life.
The book that totally changed my life: The Five Love Languages
Randomly this book had been recommended to me by not one, but two guys. Chad, my old roommate had read it with his girlfriend, Christina – they told me how it changed their relationship – and thought that maybe it would be helpful to me. I didn’t think much of it, because from their description it sounded like it was something for couples. And last I checked, yup…I’m not happily coupled up.
Fast forward a month or so. I made the bold move of asking Whip, my “match” friend to join me for the Dave Matthews Band show at the Greek. Bold because, I had already sorta written him – ah, but a classic Anna move – forgive, forget, and move forward. Our conversations on the journey to LA in rush hour traffic lead us to relationships and friendships. I was fresh off my lay-off and was feeling emotional about still not understanding the difference between “friends” and “friendly”. It was shortly after we corked a bottle of Chianti straight from Tuscany, that Whip asked if I ever read the book, “The Five Love Languages.” Random. Another guy, telling me about this book. I made a mental note to find it, and check it out.
I finally got around to doing that last week Thursday. I picked the book up off my nightstand that night at 10pm. I finished the book at about 2pm on Friday. My head was swirling. Thoughts of every relationship and friendship swirled through my head. From my parents, to my best friends, to friends who I thought were best friends, ex-boyfriends, roommates, work colleagues, men I’ve dated, all the way to the people I meet at airport bars. Suddenly every single relationship – success or failure – made PERFECT sense to me. PERFECT SENSE.
Without reciting the whole book – let me say that everyone has a primary love language, they “speak” this language to the people in their lives. This is how they give and receive love without really having to think much about it. The assessment at the end of the book only reaffirmed what I knew a chapter or two into the book. My love language is Quality Time. Shocking right? Nah, not really. Everyone jokes about how I meet people every where and how for some inexplicable reason, I’m able to keep in touch with them. Well, it’s in that Quality Time that I’ve perceived some connection, some level of love.
It’s also in that Quality Time that I oftentimes perceive a love or connection that the other person doesn’t…a little QT simply isn’t their love language. And THAT is how I’ve always confused “friends” and “friendly.”
So the book is phenomal, and totally enlightening. I think everyone should read it. All of humanity. Once we understand how we love, and how others love – we’ll just be happier. I promise. I am.
Yes, I’m evaluating all of you to understand what your love language is…and I’m going to do my best at learning to “speak” that language. If Whip wouldn’t have suggested the book…I probably would have forgotten Chad and Christina’s suggestion. I emailed him to thank him, to let him know I appreciated his active listening. I’m not sure of why the world puts certain people in our lives – but if that is the only reason Whip is in my world today, I’m happy with it and thankful for it.
If you follow my Facebook updates, you’ll remember last week when I was talking about how a book changed my life.
The book that totally changed my life: The Five Love Languages
Randomly this book had been recommended to me by not one, but two guys. Chad, my old roommate had read it with his girlfriend, Christina – they told me how it changed their relationship – and thought that maybe it would be helpful to me. I didn’t think much of it, because from their description it sounded like it was something for couples. And last I checked, yup…I’m not happily coupled up.
Fast forward a month or so. I made the bold move of asking Whip, my “match” friend to join me for the Dave Matthews Band show at the Greek. Bold because, I had already sorta written him – ah, but a classic Anna move – forgive, forget, and move forward. Our conversations on the journey to LA in rush hour traffic lead us to relationships and friendships. I was fresh off my lay-off and was feeling emotional about still not understanding the difference between “friends” and “friendly”. It was shortly after we corked a bottle of Chianti straight from Tuscany, that Whip asked if I ever read the book, “The Five Love Languages.” Random. Another guy, telling me about this book. I made a mental note to find it, and check it out.
I finally got around to doing that last week Thursday. I picked the book up off my nightstand that night at 10pm. I finished the book at about 2pm on Friday. My head was swirling. Thoughts of every relationship and friendship swirled through my head. From my parents, to my best friends, to friends who I thought were best friends, ex-boyfriends, roommates, work colleagues, men I’ve dated, all the way to the people I meet at airport bars. Suddenly every single relationship – success or failure – made PERFECT sense to me. PERFECT SENSE.
Without reciting the whole book – let me say that everyone has a primary love language, they “speak” this language to the people in their lives. This is how they give and receive love without really having to think much about it. The assessment at the end of the book only reaffirmed what I knew a chapter or two into the book. My love language is Quality Time. Shocking right? Nah, not really. Everyone jokes about how I meet people every where and how for some inexplicable reason, I’m able to keep in touch with them. Well, it’s in that Quality Time that I’ve perceived some connection, some level of love.
It’s also in that Quality Time that I oftentimes perceive a love or connection that the other person doesn’t…a little QT simply isn’t their love language. And THAT is how I’ve always confused “friends” and “friendly.”
So the book is phenomal, and totally enlightening. I think everyone should read it. All of humanity. Once we understand how we love, and how others love – we’ll just be happier. I promise. I am.
Yes, I’m evaluating all of you to understand what your love language is…and I’m going to do my best at learning to “speak” that language. If Whip wouldn’t have suggested the book…I probably would have forgotten Chad and Christina’s suggestion. I emailed him to thank him, to let him know I appreciated his active listening. I’m not sure of why the world puts certain people in our lives – but if that is the only reason Whip is in my world today, I’m happy with it and thankful for it.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Announcement
So far, I’m admittedly bad about documenting my thoughts, process and journey. I now have a mental list of things with enough substance to WANT to write about! In the meantime in between time, I’ll write these out…while making a concerted effort to be a bit more diligent in my entries. Less for you, more for me to remember the entire process – start to finish.
With that, I give you (and me) – The Annoucement!!
No, I’m not getting married and I am NOT pregnant. And despite Liza’s attempts to get me to move to Chicago and Amy’s to get me to move me to Seattle – for now, I stay planted in Orange County.
The Announcement that I’m referring to is actually telling everyone about my little project – Shore Break Consultants. Last week I began telling all of my professional contacts about my bold move of venturing out on my own and doing real estate consultanting. I got some amazing feedback. People whom I’ve worked with in various capacities – City Planners, Building and Safety Officials, Architects, Engineers, Clients, Tenants – sent me emails congratulatory in nature. They spoke of where they’re at in the industry – many fearful of the positions they hold being eliminated. They commended me on my determination and motivation to actually “do it.”
I made mental notes of those who responded – knowing that soon I need to reach out to them again. I mean, if they felt that the relationship we had warranted a return email, I could certainly check-in with them again in a few months, right? That’s how businesses are built after all.
It wasn’t until I started mass emailing all of my “personal contacts” – you know, my friends, family, people I’ve met along the way at airport bars, etc that I really began to feel how real this next-step is. My mom called me, practically jumping for joy – she checked out the website and was SO excited to see me – right there on her screen! And how proud she was that all “these people said such nice things about my baby.” The emails came flooding in – old professors, friends from high school, old colleagues.
Those of you who know me, know I don’t take compliments well, and usually volley them back pretty quickly. I’m way more critical of myself and my performance in life than I think is healthy most days. I mean, hell, when I finished my marathon – it wasn’t…”holy EFF, I just finished an effing marathon, that’s 26.2 miles” – it was, “I really, REALLY could have done better.” So that inbox was like my nemesis for a couple of days – speaking about how excited and proud people were. But, then by Saturday, I started giving myself a little bit of credit – for the boldness in the decision. I started thinking, not IF this works out…but in terms of it absolutely WILL work out. I’m excited for the challenge, the adventure, and the journey of me – WITH Shore Break Consultants. I’m ready to build something – and to pursue my dream!
With that, I give you (and me) – The Annoucement!!
No, I’m not getting married and I am NOT pregnant. And despite Liza’s attempts to get me to move to Chicago and Amy’s to get me to move me to Seattle – for now, I stay planted in Orange County.
The Announcement that I’m referring to is actually telling everyone about my little project – Shore Break Consultants. Last week I began telling all of my professional contacts about my bold move of venturing out on my own and doing real estate consultanting. I got some amazing feedback. People whom I’ve worked with in various capacities – City Planners, Building and Safety Officials, Architects, Engineers, Clients, Tenants – sent me emails congratulatory in nature. They spoke of where they’re at in the industry – many fearful of the positions they hold being eliminated. They commended me on my determination and motivation to actually “do it.”
I made mental notes of those who responded – knowing that soon I need to reach out to them again. I mean, if they felt that the relationship we had warranted a return email, I could certainly check-in with them again in a few months, right? That’s how businesses are built after all.
It wasn’t until I started mass emailing all of my “personal contacts” – you know, my friends, family, people I’ve met along the way at airport bars, etc that I really began to feel how real this next-step is. My mom called me, practically jumping for joy – she checked out the website and was SO excited to see me – right there on her screen! And how proud she was that all “these people said such nice things about my baby.” The emails came flooding in – old professors, friends from high school, old colleagues.
Those of you who know me, know I don’t take compliments well, and usually volley them back pretty quickly. I’m way more critical of myself and my performance in life than I think is healthy most days. I mean, hell, when I finished my marathon – it wasn’t…”holy EFF, I just finished an effing marathon, that’s 26.2 miles” – it was, “I really, REALLY could have done better.” So that inbox was like my nemesis for a couple of days – speaking about how excited and proud people were. But, then by Saturday, I started giving myself a little bit of credit – for the boldness in the decision. I started thinking, not IF this works out…but in terms of it absolutely WILL work out. I’m excited for the challenge, the adventure, and the journey of me – WITH Shore Break Consultants. I’m ready to build something – and to pursue my dream!
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