Homecoming

Sometimes you know when the decision you’ve made was the right one, immediately. Sometimes you have to wait for the answer to come into clear view.

I was northbound on the 405 on Monday night and seemed to get lost in the vastness of the mega-freeway. I’d driven this stretch of road countless times over the course of the eight and half years I called Southern California home but this night it seemed way huger than any other time I drove it. Even more huge the when I first arrived in Santa Monica on a February afternoon back in 2002. What had changed? My perspective I guess. I shook off the thoughts, and continued on.

A couple of days later, I was roughly on the same stretch of freeway and found myself in this weird place of grinning ear-to-ear and simultaneously feeling like I was about to break down into tears. But I was happy. So incredibly full of happiness. I sat in that awkward state for the rest of the journey I was on -wondering what spurred this confusion of emotional expression – I mean, at the root of it, I was happy.

In the end, I decided that that too was just a case of a shifting perspective. In what I’ll consider my first time back to Southern California since I moved to Austin – I got a chance to experience the life that I walked away from – the life I spent building for the eight and half years I called Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Alison Viejo and Irvine home. In that time of reflection, when I was filled with happiness – I recognized now that the life I had there matters. I grew into the woman I am now – my thoughts, my opinions, my goals and dreams. Southern California molded me into the person that would eventually call Austin, Texas home.

And most importantly, it was there that I met the most amazing people, and nurtured friendships that I have no doubt will last a lifetime. I’ve said before that my “love language” is quality time – and in my visit to the Orange County and the beaches that line it – I was fortunate enough to spend real quality time with so many of the people who were there though the journey – my love cup runneth over! I am forever grateful for those friendships – it was because of these people and their support that I have so easily began building my new life in Austin. Jen asked me if I missed it there. My response was that I didn’t “miss the place…I miss the people.” But I know in my heart that no matter where I’m at, they’re all still there. And for that, I am grateful.

So thank you to the twenty people, whom I hugged, caught up with and laughed with over the course of the last five days, thank you! You’ve reminded me that my time there mattered and it mattered most because of the people whom I chose to surround myself with. And I was reminded of how much I’m loved…even when I’m 1000s of miles away.

Take note of the people who matter to you, tell them they matter because chances are, you really matter to them too.

Ms. Cleo was a psychic...

Have you ever wanted to know what the future held? I mean…if you did would it make life easier or harder to deal with? Would you try to craft your thinking and decisions around what you were told might be?

I was in San Francisco recently having a little reunion with the American side of Team USA (you may remember these people as the ones I went to the other side of the world with to Cape Town, South Africa). After a night out with the girls, and maybe a drink or five…we all decided that we wanted to go to a psychic. Yes, that’s right, not one of us had been to a psychic.

I’ll admit, I’ve always been skeptical of these people… I mean, really…knowing the future and the past of people who they’ve never met? Be serious. I went in with an open mind – sort of. “You’ll be successful… there is money coming your way… there is travel in your future… someone close to you who’s recently become distant with you – it’s not you, it’s them…they had things they needed to work out without you… someone close to you is expecting a baby, which sibling could this be?” She was on it, until she got to the sibling part. “Ok, well who in your friends or family could be pregnant she asked? It’s so strong, it’s someone close to you…could it be you?” Well, Ms. Cleo, I thought…I’m 31, I suppose any of my friends could be pregnant, but it’s most certainly not be me. She shrugged and insisted someone close to me was either with child…or about to be. That’s the only thing she seemed really adamant about. That’s the only thing that I thought could really be out of my control. I mean…I control my success, my wealth and my travel agenda, right?

“Any questions,?” she asked.

“Ummm…will I ever fall in love, get married?”

“You need to stop looking. He will find you. He will introduce himself to you – you won’t be expecting it. Be patient”

To which I think…Lady! If I’m driving around and all I need is a parking spot… how do you suggest I stop looking for a parking spot? Ugh.

I’m sure she senses my frustration with her answer – which wasn’t really an answer at all in my book. She’s a psychic, right, she knows I’m thinking this. And yes, I know in my heart of hearts, it’s not because I’m unloveable – it’s because I require a love and a friendship so great, that those I’ve encountered aren’t willing or able to provide. I’ll try my hand at this patience she spoke of – knowing that when it DOES happen (she said it would) it’s gonna be amazing and right.

In the meantime…who’s baby shower do I need to start planning?

365 days...

If you had told me a year ago I’d be living in Austin, I’d tell you were crazy. At that point, the last time I was in Austin it was 2005 and about 114 degrees. I recall the following words actually leaving my mouth after Day Three of the Austin City Limit’s “Dust Bowl”: “I’m never f$%*ing going back to Texas ever again!!”

I know, I know…harsh language. But it was about the most miserable heat I’ve ever known. I mean, I’m ok with it being 114 degrees, but not if I have to leave. Ah well!!

This last week marked the one-year anniversary of my lay-off from Red Mountain Retail Group. So much has changed in my life, that I thought it was important to recognize where I’ve been and how I’ve changed in the last 365 days.

· I followed my dream of working for myself. Hands down one of the scariest, frustrating and most rewarding things I’ve embarked upon in my 31 years. I’ve learned what works, what doesn’t, I’ve learned perservernce and how to network like a maniac. While, Shore Break Consultants hasn’t had a huge influx of clients in the last year. I’ve had a few, I’ve made some money, I’ve seen the possibilites – I just have to remember to stay the course and be patient. Good things come to those who work hard – better things come to those who follow their dreams against all odds.

· I’ve recognized the person I have become, and who that person needs to be surrounded by. Gone are the days of nonsense friendships and drama – welcome are the friendships that tried, retried, harvested, planted and new. I know that who I am is a reflection of who I surround myself with, and I’m happy that I’ve found the most amazing friends through the years. From D.C, Chicago, O.C., LA, Michigan, Norway, Seattle, San Francisco, Cape Town and right here in Austin – I’ve found the ones who make me a better person. Thank you all.

· I’ve become more patient, less planful and more fluid. The small things don’t get sweat as often. I’m more easy going. I like it.

· I’ve managed to do an insane amount of traveling – Seattle, Michigan, Chicago, D.C., San Fran, O.C, Albuquerque, and Cape Town, South Africa. I like to think this is because I’ve recognized that traveling is something that does my soul good. Being with the people I love, in the places I adore is what centers me. Traveling is something I’m not willing to sacrifice because of the hand of cards I was dealt. I did not become a victim.

· Probably my boldest move to date was relocating my entire life to the little blue dot in the big red state of Texas. I’m not sure if I really delved into what got me to Austin – so I’ll delve now. True to my Type A personality…I made a list. A list of what I wanted my life to be in the next 5 and 10 years. A list of what I wanted out of a City. I had four cities… Austin matched up almost perfectly with what I wanted in life, both now and in the future. So I threw caution to the wind. I sold nearly all of my belongings, I packed up my car and I moved. I’ve been in Austin for almost 5 months now – and had only a weekends worth of “what the hell have I done” thoughts. I love this little City. I adore the people who I’ve come across and the friendships that have resulted. I’ve learned lessons, learned my capacity, learned where my focus needs to be, what matters most, and what doesn’t matter much at all. I’m confident in the decision I made. I’m happy here. So I’m staying. I signed a lease for a new place (I was only subleasing before…I mean, what if I hated it??) and Stella and I are going to make the move to South Austin – closer to the culture, the randomness, the fun and Town Lake. I’m excited!!

Sure we always look back on years and think to ourselves how much we or life or the world has changed around us – this last year was a year for the books. I’ll forever look back at August 18^th, 2009 with a smile – it seemed like a dark day back then – but now it seems like it was the day that allowed me to chase my dreams. And chasing them I am – and will continue to do.

Frequently flying...

Frequent flyer miles apparently are good for something other than…well, flying. A while back, I got some promotional thing in the mail, which allowed me to exchange my frequent flyer miles for magazine subscriptions. I know you’re thinking… but you like to travel, why would you get magazines? Well, because the miles had been accrued on airlines like United and Continental… airlines, which don’t top my list of favorite airlines. In fact… United is no longer considered an option due to that little “drop me off at the Ontario Airport instead of the Orange County one at 1:30 in the morning…and not provide me with ground transportation to the airport which I paid to travel through” incident. I digress…

So the deal was, exchange my miles for magazines. I had accrued maybe like 4,000 miles, which made me a little more than 20,000 miles short of that illusive free round-trip flight. I’m in, I thought. I travel quite a bit you see, so magazines…they’re actually quite useful to me. Particularly, free magazines.

Now, before you all get excited, let me first tell you magazines like People, would cost me like 4,000 miles…ones like Newsweek were more around the 600 miles range. I diversified and submitted my request. That was months ago – and most of these magazines don’t actually get opened – mostly because I’m too busy with things like the Internet and DVR’d episodes of the Real Housewives and other things equally academically stimulating. So off to the recycling container they go – so my free time can be spent ruminating about how these women can tolerate so much drama in their lives.

I’m happy to report that 8 different issues of 5 different magazines are with me en route to Washington DC today. I got some good tips and suggestions from Money magazine…but as I read through Sunset and Travel + Leisure, I began to feel this feeling of gratitude sweep over me. No, it wasn’t my astute reading capabilities that had me feeling grateful as I flipped through the pages; I came to realize how lucky I am. Lucky because I’ve seen so many of the places that are pictured in these pages. Lucky fond memories of each instantly came to mind. Lucky to have had the opportunity to visit these places. Lucky to have experienced their people and their culture. Lucky to have the drive and inspiration to visit so many more.

Of the 100 best hotels in the WORLD, I have stayed at two of them – one in my former backyard, Laguna Beach and the other on the other side of the world in Cape Town, South Africa. Of the seven continents, I’ve slept in and explored four. While my list of places I’d like to visit grows almost daily…I sit on the Southwest flight to my 4^th trip to our Nations Capital, Washington D.C filled with gratitude for the places I’ve been, cultures I’ve experienced and architecture which I’ve taken countless pictures of. I know that travel is something so rooted in who I am. Because of my countless flights here, there and everywhere….I am rewarded with more magazines I can possibly read in a month’s time AND my world grows, while I realize how small I really am.

Now, who wants to go to Bora Bore or Kenya with me??

The Gambler

I know we’ve all been let down. I know that we’ve all sat in that place of disappointment, anger, irritation and contempt when we’ve been let down. But it seems that no matter how many times it happens, you’re never really prepared for it…and it somehow always feels worse than the last time.

A few weeks ago I got a call from a friend of a friend here in Austin. She had a proposition for “work”…and money for me. I agreed to meet her for coffee to discuss – I mean, it’s money, right??

I’ll spare the all of the details, and just say that the woman seemed honest, open and trustworthy from the get-go. We were almost instantly talking about more than just this opportunity she wanted to talk about – we were talking about our lives. A few weeks pass – I’ve meet with her a few times by now – and NOW the deal is sweeter. Now the deal is she wants to hire me to act as a project manager for a kitchen remodel she’s working on. Obviously, since this was something right up my alley…and would undoubtedly lead to other gigs, I took it. I took it after I evaluated the pros and cons . But for me to take it…it took some rearranging on my part. The project was right smack dab in the middle of 4 trips I had on the books in August. I could take the job, but I’d have to cancel or rearrange all four of those trips. While, these are some pretty incredible trips I had planned – it seemed to me that the benefit of successfully executing the management of this project would lead to be being hired again, and again. That benefit outweighed the disappointment that I knew I’d be causing to some really incredible people – and the disappoint I’d have in myself for disappointing those I care about.

So I drafted up the contract and sent it off. After a few revisions, I was told if I was “cool with the edits, the contract will be signed upon return” and “consider these projects good to go.” Cool. So I started rearranging, calling, apologizing and cancelling.

With the project start date quickly approaching, I contacted my client to go over last minute action items. I wanted to ensure the project was a success – and it certainly needed to start off on the right foot, right? I got a call Monday morning. Somewhat frantic, somewhat crazed, wholly disappointing. My client indicated she couldn’t move forward with me, and it didn’t make sense to “hire” me. But she had – in legal terms, that contract was binding. While I was upset with the thought of not getting the money, which I desperately need at this point, I was more upset with having had to rearrange all of August, and disappoint my friends.

I knew there were two ways to deal with this. I could be headstrong and demand to either work the project, or be compensated for the entire contract amount. Or I could cut my losses and be done with her. This is clearly not the type of clients I’d want to do business with, so I saw it as a blessing. That day, I decided to take the high road. I could have been disappointed in all of humanity – or I could be disappointed with her, and not dwell in it. My world has shown me SO many people of integrity, why should I let one person ruin that for everyone else? Why give them that power? I moved forward and forgave within a few hours. I have sympathy for the decision she made, and the life she’s living – it became clear to me that life is teaching us both a lesson – but that day, I was the only one really looking for the lesson. I was the one looking forward to the things I want my life to be, I was being proactive – not reactive. I was carving out my destiny and not allowing myself to be a victim to the circumstances. Good things are on the horizon, I know that – and I see the lessons I needed to be taught. With that, I’m looking forward, not back. And I’ll take a little lesson from Mr. Kenny Rogers with me… “don’t count your money when you’re sitting at the table…there’ll be time enough for counting…when the dealins done..”

So…deal me in!

Investigator - assigned!! Click, click, click, click...

Admittedly, this is the third entry I’m writing in one day – but like I said below, I’ve been busy, and there have been a few things hanging out in the depths of my mind that I thought prudent to acknowledge and release.

Last week the investigator was assigned to my case – that is, assigned to find my biological father. I ignored the incoming call from a “734” area code…who’d be calling me from Ann Arbor? When I finally listening to the message, I was hesitant to call Jennifer back. I’m not sure why. Actually, yes I am. It’s a scary, overwhelming thing. I mean, calling her back means she’s going to be actively searching for this man, right?! Thankfully, Jennifer has probably dealt with a lot of Anna’s…and called me back later in the day.

We talked for about an hour – going over all of the things I said to the first person that took my call. But this time it seemed more real, more relevant. After all, I was speaking to the woman who will probably find my dad. She asked me questions like, “what is your intent in finding your dad?” and “what is your best possible outcome for this?” and “would you be open to meeting him if it can be arranged?” and “have you thought about the possibility of having half-siblings?” Overwhelming right??

She also wanted clarification on a few items…middle name, date of birth, if there was a connection with the State of California…other important things like that. After I ended the call with Jennifer I called my mom and my aunt – they were my only two sources of information and the only way I could really help Jennifer do her job.

While my mom’s memory has never put her in competition for “most information contained”… I knew she’d know some things. It’s hard for her, I recognize that – to be asked to recount a relationship with a man whom you both love and loathe simultaneously. Most of what she recollected were things I’d heard in past conversations. I called my Aunt after telling my mom that I love her.

Me: “So Aunt Lori, do you remember if he had any siblings?”

Aunt Lori: “Yes, an older brother, Michael, who lived in California. Your dad used your mom’s phone once to call him.”

Me: “A brother in California, huh?” (mental note to call Jennifer right after this call)

With the eagerness of a kid waiting for Santa to visit, I called Jennifer up. It was 10pm in Michigan. I didn’t care. She answered and was so glad that I called. The information about the brother in California could be useful, as she’s found a birth certificate and a social security number issued to a man with my dad’s name in the State of California.

Jennifer seems like the perfect person to be assigned to work with me. She’s empathetic and understands that this will undoubtedly be an emotional rollercoaster for me. She’s assured me, we do all of this on my time, when I’m ready. And she’s here through the entire process. I have a lot to think about, and process while the search is on – but I’m committed to playing out how this may shake out, so that I can be prepared when the time does come. And yes, I’m convinced it will come. I need to make sure I’m emotionally ready for this ride, beginning to end.

With that…I’m asking you, my friends to actually reach out, and check in with me on this – It’s easy for me to focus on other things that are happier and less stressful, but I know that this is something I truly do want and I’m ready for the rollercoaster!

Words...

Have you ever said something and wish you could take it back? Like immediately? Worse yet, have you said something, forgotten it ever slide past your lips – only to find out days or weeks later that your words hurt someone close to you. Your words made someone question the type of friend you were…. Made them question if you were really a friend at all?

I’m sure we’ve all been there. But for some reason, it doesn’t make this feel any better. While I know my words weren’t intended to be received in the manner they in which they were, I can’t help but feel guilty for not taking better care in how they were delivered. For starters, they probably shouldn’t have been delivered on a holiday weekend, after countless beers had been consumed. I can’t help but to feel sadness that someone I care about was hurt by them . Sure I have no control over what someone does with the information they receive – but I have to wonder if my actions were questionable enough prior to this incident that made addressing that much more difficult.

I just don’t know.

I do know since that conversation has occurred, it’s hung so heavy on my heart – and I can’t help but wonder if it’s left a mark on that friendship. Certainly, I hope it was a merely a “blip on the radar” – two friends, learning how to learning to speak up and teach the other what friendship looks like for them. Two friends getting past the surface friendship, and growing into a more meaningful, real, solid, sometimes raw and uncomfortable but totally worth the effort – friendship.

I hope so.