A piece of me lives here...

When we’re kids, our parents have the luxury of creating traditions for us.  Most of mine were centered on holidays – which I’m sure is the case with most people.  As adults we get to create traditions around what we choose.  I never would have thought when I went to visit Amber in Seattle in 2002 that it would be the beginning of one of my most treasured traditions. 

She told me about this “place” that Dave Matthews plays – The Gorge. 

We got tickets to Fridays show, packed up the tent and left Seattle.  We were 19^th row, on the right of the stage.  I got to peek through the fence and see them leave the stage – I know there are pictures somewhere… but this was before I had a digital camera. 

Never could I have imagined then how special this place would become to me. 

Through the years, friends have come and gone, but one has remained steadfast in her friendship with me, and our love of this place, this weekend – Holly.

We’ve grown up together in this “campground” on the Columbia River.  We’ve met new friends while within it’s confines.  We’ve gotten lost from one another, only to find each another on the walk back.  We’ve been reunited with cameras and friends from Oregon.  We’ve made rules, and broke them.  We’ve withstood rain, wind and scorching sun.  We’ve danced, laughed and drank teeny tiny shots of Goldschlagger.  Holly is my soul sister.  One who will always get me.  One who holds one of the most special places in my heart because she’s been a part of all of this with me. 

I seem out of sorts this week – usually by now, I’d be sitting with Amy on a deck drinking a Miller Light.  I’d probably be meeting Amber in the morning for breakfast.  And spending Thursday afternoon getting the camping gear together so that we’d be ready to rock on Friday morning.  I’d pick her up late on Thursday evening.  We’d crash at Amy’s… and then bright and early Friday morning, take the last shower for the weekend, load the car… hit up Target and QFC…and the liquor store.  We always bought too much.  Of everything. 

Last night when I went to bed, I smiled at the memories I have at the Gorge.  I remember the silly times, the funny times.  Dance offs, drinking games, meeting the neighbors, tent building contests, truffles and monster cans.  I laughed at the grab-bags, the wind, the walk to the venue and the stumbling back, the turkey sandwiches and the shot guns. 

I’m so thankful for all who’ve been a part of this – you’ve shaped who I am.  I’m honored to have you in my life – then and now.  This place wouldn’t be the same without having all of you.  I know that our lives keep us in distant corners of America, but I know if ANY of us needed ANYthing, we’d all be there.  And I hope that no matter how old we get, and no matter how loud and crazy those kids get that we find time to keep the tradition alive.  I love you all more than you know.  And wish you nothing but the best with your growing families, new relationships, continued love and adoration of your spouses.  I wish you health and happiness - until we all meet again.  I can’t wait until I see your faces and scream with excitement as I fiercely hug you all, and watch the time from the last time melt away, until it seems like it was just yesterday we'd last seen one another.  Until then, hugs, love and memories!  Much, much love!  

Typical.

 The first year we let anyone else participate.  Well deserved for these two!

 Couldn't love them much more than I do!

 Why it all began

 Home.  A little bit of my heart lives here.

 Sometimes you need a little help from your friend.

 Our first year together.

 Traditions begin.

 Grab. Bag.

 If I could pick brothers - These would be 4 of mine.

 Sometimes even the all-stars are on the lawn, with their bag of wine.

 I laugh every time I see this picture.  Still.

 I want to walk into this picture, and hug you all... once more.  Perfect 3rd night.  

 Yup.  I'm gonna be a classy wife.

 No words.

 Initiation.

 Just your average Saturday.

 The beginning of something amazing.

Pastor Bock

A few years back I was in a workshop and the word ‘spirituality” kept coming up.  I struggled with it – mostly because I had been fairly religious when I was in high school and wasn’t anymore…and couldn’t seem to separate spirituality and religion in my head.  A friend said to me… “I bet music is something spiritual to you.”  I smiled, knowing he was right.  A sense of calmness, wonderment and gratitude always sweep over me when I’m at a DMB concert (or any show ,really)… and music, has always been a part of my life, a huge part. 

If music is my religion, where I find myself in a heightened sense of spirituality, I met my Pastor nearly two years ago when I moved to Austin.  Ironically, it was over another love that he and I first connected – college football.  Ok, two loves… college football and an ice-cold beer. 

On a day that I was craving some Big 10-ness and midwesties in my life.  I wore my Michigan shirt and headed to a Wisconsin bar, to meet a friend. Tricky move some might think.  Surrounded by a sea of red and white and Buckie everywhere, I kept to myself as I watched a screen to the left of the game the masses were watching.  A few people poked fun – but I knew if I could handle myself at a Buckeye bar… a Badger bar would be like a walk in the park.  I met Jeff that day – Wisconsin Badger shirt and a newsboy hat.  An incredible smile filled his face and genuine kindness exuded from his whole being.  Cool guy I thought. 

We met again at a Packers game-watch.  I was a free-agent NFL fan, and the Packer fans were happy to have me join.  That was the day that Jeff told me about his passion., Music.  His blog.  His dream.   I couldn’t be more thankful to get a chance to talk to him that day and to share stories of shows and music.  I gave him my business card – and he gave me a brand-new, incredible play list each and every month.  I looked forward to those emails, and to downloading the tracks, reading his comments as each song started playing. 

When it was festival time, I always looked to KidBock to tell me what his schedule was… who was he going to see, where would he be.  I looked up to him, admired his love for music and loved the music he loved… but maybe I was too lazy to be on the pulse of it like he was – that’s what he liked – and that’s what I liked about him.

A few months back, a friend asked me what my passion was… and after a few weeks of journaling and thinking it came to me.  And as soon as that came to me, suddenly I started seeing all of these people around me that I wanted to be a part of it.  Music is a huge part of my life, as I said, so this dream I was cooking up would have to have music.  I thought… “I’ll have Jeff make customized playlists…NO!!  I’ll have him DJ! Yes, that’s what I’ll do!!”  I saw Jeff a week or so after I had this idea and with excitement shared with him – his response, true to form, was matched excitement – and a serious inquiry – “when is this going to happen??  Because I can’t wait to be a part of it!”

Looking back at that moment makes me appreciate Jeff even more – we weren’t best friends by any stretch.  We were two people with a lot in common.  Two people who who were happy to support one another in their dreams and passions.  Looking to that moment, I realize more that a friendship is more than time spent with someone, it’s about the mark they leave on your soul and heart.  Sometimes that mark takes years or decades to build, sometimes it’s over the course of a few true, genuine interactions.   

I’m thankful for the last few interactions I had with Bock – he came out for my birthday celebration in March.  We toasted to the night and our friendship with a couple of beers and a birthday shot.  Last week, I found myself with an extra ticket to a concert and thought to invite Bock.  He told me had a busy week but thanked me for thinking of him.

It’s been a tough week.  A week of introspection.  A week of gratitude, for what I have, who I call my friends, and the experiences I’ve been afforded in my life.  I have often thought, when people pass away so suddenly, is there any inkling of an idea that today is your last day?  It makes me think about the little things I worry about, the things I put up with and the choices I make.  If it were my last day today, how would I live?  How would you?  What would you do differently?  Who would you forgive?  Who would you tell that you loved them… that they meant something to you, that they’ve left a mark on your life?  Who or what would you let go of?  And when it’s over, will your soul look back and smile and be thankful for the life you had and how you chose to live it? 

I know that Bock is doing just that now.  He made a mark with the life he lived and the man he was .

Jeff Bock was an incredible man, such light, such generosity, and so much fire for what and whom he loved.  I’m going to miss his friendship, his hugs and his laugh.  I’m going to miss his emails and play lists.  But at the end of the day, I’m glad he walked into my life and am thankful for the mark he left on my heart!  You left us far too soon, but I'm thankful to have had you in my life for the time that I did.  KidBock, I’m graduating  you to Pastor Bock… my Pastor of Music!   

Today.

This year has been pretty transformational for me.  I have learned to listen to my heart – and have learned that if my heart is not in tune with what my actions are, I’ll never be happy.  I’ve learned to set boundaries – and I’ve learned that some people don’t like that, and that’s ok. 

I’ve learned (again) to be ok with who “shows up to the party” – whoever is in your life at any given moment is exactly who SHOULD be there, and that’s ok.  I struggle with this from time to time, wondering if the ebb in a friendship will find it’s way back to a flow.  I’ve seen that happen with numerous friends who are still near and dear to my heart, so I have faith that when the time is right, they’ll flow again. 

I’ve learned to trust.  Trust that I know what’s best for me, and to act accordingly – without fear of disappointment, regret or apprehension.  I’ve learned to trust that everything will work out in its time – and I have no power over it. 

I’ve forgiven.  Forgiven people in my life and let go of the moment or the memory.  More importantly I’ve forgiven myself. 

I’ve learned to let go of the outcome on a situation and to trust that the outcome will be exactly what it should be. 

I’ve learned to love, fiercely.  I’ve learned that I am loved, fiercely.

I’ve learned to surround myself in positivity.  I have no room for negativity and useless drama in my world.  I’ve done the tough work of “scrubbing” some negative in my life.  Things and people that don’t serve the Anna who I am and the Anna who I aspire to be. 

I’ve purged files from my computer, things from my apartment, car and memory.  I’ve cleansed my body to find this truly happy and healthy and smaller me emerge. 

I’m in a really good space today in this moment.  I feel inspired about things to come.  I feel at peace with where my life is and who I am.  I feel thankful for the love and support that the people in my life so freely offer up. I feel hopeful to where I’m going and what the future holds.  Maybe it’s the 6 days I’ve been on this juice cleanse… but I really, REALLY feel that something amazing and exciting is about to happen. 

Do you ever get those hunches?  

blessed beyond measure!

After a crazy, fun, sleepless, overwhelming, exhausting, exhilarating, silly and drunk time at SXSW… I got a job offer.  One that’s been in the making for a while.  But it finally came through.  And after pushing my body to the outer limits at SX… I was ready for a break.  I decided I needed some time to myself to get some things wrapped up in Austin.  And I’d committed to a couple of side jobs.  After this week of focusing on my life in Austin, without the looming stressor of finding a job, I decided I needed to feel the love.  So to California I went, for one incredible week.

I’ve said before, my love language is “quality time”… but man, did that trip do something tremendous for my spirit.  To be honest, my week was slightly packed… lunch with this person, coffee with this person, dinner and drinks here-rearranged lunches to breakfasts, etc.  But when I looked at that line-up of people I was going to see and spend time with, I couldn’t have been more excited – they’re exactly what my soul needed. 

From the moment I got there, I felt loved beyond measure.  Misa had her place stocked with all of my favorite things, from Crown Royal and Tito’s Vodka, to all of my favorite snacks from Trader Joe’s.  She had fresh flowers in my bedroom and a birthday card waiting for me.  It was better than checking into the Four Seasons… not going to lie.  She introduced me to her fiancé… whom treated us both to pedicures.  We watched a movie.  And then she treated her finance and I to massages while she made us a delicious dinner.  Perfect first night.  So thankful for Misa and so proud of the woman she’s become since I met her… and so very excited for her future with Danny.

My second day, I drove to Orange County to have breakfast with the Gurski’s.  I met Mateo for the first time and was amazed at how much Davis has grown.  He’s truly a little boy now… one who loves his baby brother more than anything.  Spending time with them brought me back to my life in Orange County.   They were truly my family there. 

Next stop was Hermosa to see Jen and Jon.  Two of my very first friends in California.  And to this day… two of my very best friends in this world.  True to form, we met up on the Pier, we went to Barnacles and caught up… and proceeded to Sharkeez and Poop Deck.  There’s something about being with the two of them, at this little beach city that calmed my mind.  This week was going to be incredible.  I could feel it.

The first part of my week I spent in Orange County… I had lunch with Peter.  Happy hour with Vadim and dinner with he, Jeff and Beth (and their new growing baby bump!)  and Dustin and Val.  As much as Jeff drove me crazy when I first met him, he’s one person that has truly been there for me, and supported me in so many ways – so appreciative of him.  If I could pick brothers… it would absolutely, without a doubt be Dustin and Jeff.  I went home to Loretta’s house where I was greeted with a huge hug and a glass of wine.  Perfection. 

Tuesday was started with an early breakfast with Eric, my old boss and my mentor to anything in life.  He gets me on a level that few do.  After that, I went to Red Mountain… where I grew to be the Anna I am today.  I caught up with Ashley, Kathryn and Karen.  As much as I miss them, there is something about those walls, and not being a part of it anymore that I find to be a blessing.  I am happier.  Confident.  Dinner was with an old friend… who started out as a Facebook friend.  Random right?  It’s always amazing to me who comes into your life… the impact they have, and who stays and who goes.  I’m thankful for how our friendship has grown. 

Wednesday felt like a busy, busy day.  I met Chad and Christina at their place.  Crazy to think I lived there for 5 years.  I miss my talks with Chad about life, love and everything in between.  I’m happy for the life he has with Christina.  After that I met an old friend from Architecture school who happened to live in Orange County.  We hadn’t seen each other in years – so great to catch up.  Lunch was with two of my favorite women, Kristin and Metriese.  Such a good time catching up with them and feeling the love. 

After lunch, I hightailed it to Huntington Beach to meet Ms. Anna Padilla.  Again, it’s incredible how people come into your life, and the timing of the words they share with you.  I wouldn’t have considered myself that good of friends with Anna when we worked together… but I was inclined to see her, to chat and to catch up.  She’s a wise woman, someone who genuinely cares for others and their happiness.  We had some great conversations about love and friendships.  About setting boundaries, not living in fear of the unknown and following your heart.  I left truly happy and inspired… and decided to take the long way back to Misa’s… along PCH.  There’s something about being near the water that re-sets my soul.

Thursday morning, Misa left for work early and to my surprise her finance made me breakfast.  Loved that!  I ventured back to the South Bay for lunch with Beckie.  It seems like forever since I’ve seen or caught up with her.  She said something while we gorged on our Counter burgers… “We are all changed because of that day we all watched the game together”… then I thought, what if I hadn’t met any of these people I was busy spending time with?  How different would I be? 

That afternoon I took a quick run, showered and left to meet Shultzy at MB Sharkeez.  Our friendship has had its ebbs and flows for sure.  We met when we were 23, and fairly new to the South Bay.  We’ve had moments in our friendship where one of us was genuinely interested in the other, but the other wasn’t interested at the same time.  We’ve fought.  We’ve not spoke for months.  We’ve gotten to a really good place.  An honest place and a safe place – where it’s ok to set boundaries and tell each other what we need in friendship.  I’ve struggled with some friendships lately… I’ve been desperately learning to listen to my heart and to not be compelled to do, be or say things out of obligation.  It’s my friendship with Jon that makes me hopeful for other friendships I have in my life.  I like who we’ve grown to be, as individuals and as friends. 

After dinner with Jon, I went back to Holly and Scott’s place.  I am so thankful that their journey brought them to California.  Albeit, after my journey took me away.  The time I spend with the two of them is comfortable, easy.  We catch up and all of us hit the hay early… because some of us have to work in the morning. 

Friday was virtually a revolving door of friends… when one friend left, another showed up.  I woke up early to take a run on the strand with Jon.  He asked me if I’d ever want to move back.  I don’t think I would.  But this place will always be a part of me.  Will always have a place in my heart.  I think I became who I am because of this place… and because of the friendships and relationships I’ve built there.  It was good to take in the fresh morning air with someone whose friendship I so appreciate – I was sad to have to say goodbye to him. 

Misa arrived as Jon was leaving… we got Nikos and headed back to the strand.  It was such a nice morning… we leisurely walked back to the MB pier and headed to Starbucks to get a quick coffee for me.  After our walk, we decided that we’d put some goals together.  Both of us have been itching to get some things accomplished and wanted to hold one another accountable.  We did this on swings; kicking our legs to the blue of the Pacific Ocean, wind in our hair.  It was perfect. 

Lunch that day was with my favorite Mexicans… don’t take this the wrong way… it’s an inside joke.  Melissa and I met back when I moved BACK to California from Michigan.  We worked together and welded a friendship.  A friendship that lasted through a jobs that took us away from one another and moves that took me out of the State.  Melissa and I have a ton of fun together… usually are shenanigans involve a lot of laughing and a fair amount of booze. We’ve pirated a boat together, voted on ponies and we’ve had a pitchers of beer for breakfast (really).  Her smile laugh and energy amaze me. Aldo is usually the responsible one, the one who cuts us off, drives us home safely and diverts bar fights.  This is the first time in a long time, we were all together, and Melissa wasn’t drinking… they’re expecting their first baby and I couldn’t be an ounce more happy for them.  Melissa and Aldo married young, and every time I see them I comment on how cool it’s been to see them mature into the people they are now… and how they’ve grown in their marriage.  Love them!

After lunch, I had a solid 3 minutes to myself before Holly got home from work… with her fancy new feet…  We cracked some champagne and started making a yummy dinner that we hosted at her place for Jen, her friend and us.  Such a good time connecting over good food, great wine and amazing friends.  Seriously… I’m not sure what I’d do if these folks weren’t in my life. 

Saturday was the day I was to head home… I was missing my bed.  Missing Stella.  But so grateful for the good times I had connecting with these folks that mean so much to me.  We were all slow to start the day.  Scott made Holly and I his grandmother’s buttermilk pancakes – so good.  Then I headed back to Hermosa Beach – bottomless mimosas with Jen, Danielle, Lauren and Ryan and Metirese and Carl showed up minutes before I was to head back to the airport. 

I left feeling so loved.  So thankful.  And so blessed beyond measure.  These people were with me through some times of growth, challenge, success, failure and transition.  I made the tough decision two years ago to leave Orange County and Southern California and leave this wonderful life I built behind me.  It took coming back to make me realize that this life is not behind me, it will forever be a part of me.  These people are tied to my heart and I’m thankful they’re still a part of my support system and my life!  I’m writing this so I remember that feeling – so in moments of confusion, unrest or anxiety, I can tap back into it and remember that I am loved, no matter where I’m at or what I’ve done or said – there are people in this world who will stop what they’re doing to be with me, connect with me and love me.  

Hustla!

March...

This sums up my March:

Work:  Income gained from no less than 8 different sources this month.  For being unemployed... I sure am a busy girl.  Someone cue up... Jay-Z... *I'm a hustla baby*...

Babysit.  Work at Austin Skin.  Repeat for the first week.
Work with Google for SXSW... 12 hours a day.  No breaks.  Met the bartenders on Rainey St.  Got free drinks.  So excited to leave.  Meet up with friends.  Stay up way too late.  Repeat for 4 days.

Rent out apartment for 5 days for sxsw.  Feel like a homeless bum for those 5 days.

Work at the tradeshow.  Check out concerts.  Insist a picture of Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows.   Be sad that Jay-z is a flaker.  Repeat for 5 days.

St. Paddy's Day.  "I'm not there yet... but I'm on my way"

SXSW ends.  As does Bevil's crochet sweater.

Try to resume a normal life.  Get a job offer.

Birthday shenanigans.

Book ticket to California to spend time with friends before I start my first "real" job is almost three years.  This is going to be tricky getting back into the swing of things!

Like a day hasn't passed...

It’s funny how the Universe perfectly brings people into your life, just when you need them.  Maybe you’ve known them forever and lost touch.  Maybe they’re with you in the day-to-day.  Or maybe you don’t even know them, and they walk in and change you and the course of your life, who knows, maybe Devin is one of those people. 

A few entries back, I talked about how sometimes we need to distance ourselves from others and other outside influences before we can truly quiet our worlds long enough to hear the whispering in our hearts.  In the past, I’ve seen people in my world do this.  No explanation, just gone.  Of course, the mind left without details, is going to make up a story – and usually that story is because you’ve done something wrong, they’re mad at you, they hate you, etc.  It’s never because they just needed space and didn’t quite know how to articulate that – everything with the mind is cause and effect.  This happened – this is the result.  If you’re a part of the “this” – the result is part on you. 

Anyway, as I began withdrawing to a place that was quiet enough – I suddenly realized why this needs to happen.  I reached out to a few who I’ve seen do this – and I told them, while maybe I didn’t get it before, and I probably wasn’t respectful – I got it now.  It was in doing so I got reacquainted with a few people in my life. 

One of these folks went out of their way to help me – help me find answers, clarity and focus.  They gave me a piece of information missing from the puzzle and I was rocked.  Literally, I sat there, not knowing what to think or feel.  This is not to say, before this meeting that I knew what I should be thinking or feelings. 

With my world rocked – I did what any sane person would do.  I called someone whom I haven’t spoke to in years.  He’s an old friend – who had a similar story.  Well, it was his wife that actually “felt the energy” come into a room (which coincidentally, I happened to be standing in at the time) – and it was he, that was the energy.  He was Devin in this story.  Well, as their story goes, my friend had some, we’ll call it “unsettled business” to take care of – though there was no doubting that he had an instant and powerful attraction and connection with this woman.  They knew that there was something between the two of them – but the timing wasn’t right.  It took nine months for them to reconnect.

I reached out to understand why.  Where was he in those nine months, what was he thinking, feeling, doing and being?  Where was she in all of it? 

He listened – he’s always been an impeccable listener.  And he offered more details on his story.  He asked me some really real questions – what if he had a girlfriend, would I be ok if I were the “mistress”.  Without a doubt, “that doesn’t bother me.” 

“What is it you know for sure?” – I know with every cell in my being that this is not over. 

“Then don’t let it be over.”

Easy as that, eh? 

He suggested I keep the positivity around the feelings, around the encounter.  If it doesn’t feel over, than it’s not.  He suggested that because I couldn’t talk to him, maybe write letters to him. 

I felt so much love and support and understanding when I hung up the phone with that old friend.  I appreciated his friendship in that moment, and I appreciated that it could be resurrected after so many years – and feel like nothing had changed. 

He told me he appreciated me, and this story – and he was so excited that I’d gotten to feel these things and he’d continue to put positivity around the situation.

That night, I wrote my Dutch Lover a three-page typed letter.  I told him the things I thought in that evening, the morning after and the days following.  I told him about my days since I last spoke to him.  If I was struggling with something, or if there was something I was excited about – I told him.  I asked for his advice.  His support.  I told him I looked forward to the next time we spoke and could be together.  I didn’t hold back.  I felt so light – it was such a freeing release. 

That night as I drifted off to sleep, I thanked the world for him.  And I asked that wherever he’s at, whatever he’s doing, I hope that he could feel me thinking about him and sending me love from Austin, Texas.  I hoped that he smiled when he thought of me – and was sending the same right back.  That was the first night I slept like a normal person.