Unicorn hunting!!

So my last entry was a bit dire, admittedly I was in a strange place. I sat there for a whole weekend. Finally, I reached out – for the support, understanding, encouragement and perspective I needed. I hung out in my head for far too many days, and it was clear I was getting no where – if I was going to go there alone.

There are some people in your life who you know just really get you. Like they get you on this level, that at times, you don’t really get you. They can get you out of your head, out of your story and out of your shit so fast…you wonder why it took so long to connect with them.

The resolution we came to that night:

I have been treating my new lift in Austin, as it was my life in Orange County. I hadn’t gotten a chance to recognize I’d been here for all of two and half months and it would be nearly impossible to build the life I had built over the course of almost 9 years in Southern California. I was so used to having a busy schedule full of different friends and activities, I felt sad, left out and lonely here because I had depended on a few to do the job of what many had been doing.

I’ve been underwhelmed. I’m a busy girl, I like a busy schedule…here in Austin, it was pretty uneventful for the most part. Things here and there…but I didn’t have that comfortable feeling of being overwhelmed.

I thought the friendships I’ve built here would automatically be at the level of understanding as my friends back in California.

I’m an extrovert. I need to feel the energy of people around me – and sitting in my apartment alone wasn’t cutting it!

So with that…I wiped the snot from my nose, put some makeup on, changed my clothes and went to the Bar and Grill down the street from where I live. If it cost me ten bucks for some beers to watch the game with other people around – it was worth the ten bucks for my mental health. Feeling totally recharged and me again, I went to bed that night vowing to do what I needed to do make sure I’m taking care of myself and I’m actively building a life here in Austin.

Needless to say, it’s been a busy, but amazing couple of weeks since that entry below. I’ve attended countless networking events, I’ve applied for part-time and volunteer positions, I’ve tried new things and met new people. I’m really hopeful for the next few weeks. I have this sneaky suspicion good things are on the horizon – I can almost feel their energy now!

Bring it!! I'm soooo ready for you!

What's the opposite of Rainbows and Unicorns...? I'll show you!

It was bound to happen, I suppose. The shiney-ness and the newness diminished in my almost four straight weeks here in Austin. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still an incredible City, one that I’m excited to explore. Something changed in me. It changed at about 8:32 am on Friday morning.

I did NOT want to get out of bed. Mind you, I have been on the strangest of sleep schedules lately – staying up waaaay past my bedtime and then staying in bed until 9 or 10 in the morning. Shocking right? Little miss, up at the crack of dawn sleeping in. I’m betting now, Jen is wondering why this Anna couldn’t be around for the mornings after Hermosa Beach Shenanigans. I digress… Having no desire to get up and get moving, I laid there. And I got about 6 text messages in a row. Bing bong, Bing bong... 4 from Liana, 2 from Misa. I was annoyed – for no real reason. I mean, these are two of my best friends, and I was utterly annoyed that they were texting me. Not because it was in the morning and I didn’t want to get up – more because I just didn’t want to deal with it – it being people.

Liana’s texts basically were asking that I help her out with a few things that she wasn’t going to be able to get done that day. I pulled all the strength I had, and got in the shower. I spent that day being incredibly productive – I got her things accomplished, and got a few things crossed off my list. At the end of the errand adventure, I went back to her place to finish laundry (mine, not her’s…my washing machine is broke). And the moment I stopped, I felt that wave wash right back over me. I felt sad, apathetic, empty and alone. Terry came home, Liana came home and Otto came over. Despite being with three of the people I really love, I felt empty still.

We went to a crawfish boil that night. First I’ll say…crawfish are about the ugliest creatures I’ve laid my eyes on. They look like a giant red cockroach to me – so no, I didn’t eat any. Second I’ll say, there were a lot of fun people there that night – and I sat there completely disinterested in any of it. We went home. And I lost it. Just broke down into tears. The hyperventilating kind. Snot everywhere, so much you can’t breathe. Because I don’t have good cell reception in my apartment, I reached out to a few friends who I was confident could calm me down via text. I’ll let you gather yourself while you laugh at this mental picture of me trying to type on my iphone all while mascara tainted tears crash down my face, and snot is dripping out my nose.

Now let me be clear, I’m not a stranger to these meltdowns – my meltdowns don’t happen often, but when they do, it’s a storm. And therefore leaves a mark. By the end of the night, I figured it was a passing thing – I’d go to sleep and it would be better in the morning.

Well, it wasn’t.

And it still isn’t today. This is three days straight – and I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way, or what I can do to make it stop.

Maybe it’s that the magnitude of my decision to move to Austin is hitting me. Let me rephrase this, maybe it’s the magnitude of literally picking up my life and starting over. Having to build friendships, professional contacts and a support system in a new state 1000’s of miles from any other state I’ve lived in. I mean, I had an amazing life back in So. Cal…and I walked away from it. Now that I’ve had time to think about this, it’s really freaking me out.

Maybe it’s because the friendships I’ve built in California don’t seem as strong, or connected as the ones I’ve made here. Yes, I realize I’ve been here for a little over two months, and I shouldn’t expect to TA-DA!! Have exactly what I had back there. Yes, I feel blessed to have the people in my life here…now. I mean, my goodness, this meltdown would have likely happened much sooner and with much more force if it wasn’t for them.

Maybe it’s because I’m working from home, to build Shore Break…and I live alone…and when 6 o’clock comes around, all of my working friends are tired…and little miss extrovert is left to be alone for whole days at a time. Talking to no one, but a cat, who’s interests are: eating, sleeping, biting my toes and sleeping.

Maybe it’s because I have always judged my worth on the things I do and get done – and going to Costco just doesn’t rank as high as getting projects approved. So I’m left to feel empty in what I’ve done and how I’ve spent my days.

Maybe it’s because I crave structure and having a whole day to do everything doesn’t really require it.

Maybe I don’t have enough to do.

Maybe I’m not being challenged – or I’m not learning.

Maybe because I don’t have cable, and I’m bored, and I’m really not Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Maybe because I see everyone around me getting married, having babies and being happy, and I want me a piece of that – but that silly eharmony boy who said he had a great time and wanted to hang out again … never called – and that immediately takes me to the place where NO boy will ever call me. EVER! (I know this is ridiculous, but seriously, that’s where my head goes…)

Maybe I’m overwhelmed with everything I have to do, or could do…to grow Shore Break and to find some clients.

Maybe it’s because vodka made me hurt my foot and I haven’t been able to run in 10 days. And running has this incredible power of connecting me to the world around me, and clearing my thoughts.

Maybe I’ve paid off too many bills, and my life seems manageable, my Mendoza line shifted, and the Universe is throwing me this curve-ball to make me think it’s NOT manageable.

Or maybe the heat and humidity just gets to me and puts me in a funk. I don’t know what it is, but frankly I’m over it. I refuse to sit in this awkward and completely uncomfortable place – but I’m not sure if it’s a passing weekend funk, or if something truly needs to be addressed.

Direct me back to the place of ambition, courage, happiness, zest for life, laughter and motivation. Take me back to the rainbows, puppy dogs, butterflies and unicorns…

(ps, thank you to those of you who have been been trying to get me to a unicorn farm the last few days!! I appreicate your friendship, love and support!)

Shredded Papers...

Sometimes there are thoughts in my head, and I’m left wondering why they’re there. Pages which you’ve turned, chapters which you’ve ended – and it just sorta pops up and hangs out for a time. I’m not sure why, but I’m always curious of it. I’m one of those people who try to always reach out when someone is on my mind. I remember one time I heard Adam Ant sing “Wonderful”…and I called Sarah. I told her I wasn’t sure why I was calling, but I heard that song and it made me think of her. Sarah told me that that particular day was her brother’s birthday – “Wonderful” was played at Jason’s funeral 2 years earlier.

I’m not sure why, but I’m not really inclined to reach out to Meryl.

Over the last couple of months, I’d call myself a scholar of men. Having an incredible opportunity, I was able to attend a workshop suggested to me by a therapist who thought it’d help me understand men better. He thought, because I never had a constant male influence in my life, that I really had no basis of understanding them – so I’d make up how I thought they should be, and then be disappointed when they weren’t that way. So true. And I will attest to the viciousness of this cycle. So I went to the workshop. My world was rocked. I signed up for the next one, believing that this particular one would help me with my intimacy issues with men (ps, intimacy does not equal sex…it does equal being vulnerable. To date, I have never ever allowed myself to get close to any one man wholly. That poses a problem when you’d like to get married and have babies…). I took the course. Again, my world was rocked. In that particular course, I did a lot of forgiving – of myself, of my dad who wasn’t there, of George who wasn’t really there either, of men who’ve hurt me, men whom I’ve chased and men who’ve just not been there.

We wrote down all those who we knew we needed to forgive and to let go of, and in a bold move after articulating the forgiveness, those papers were ripped up and thrown away. Meryl was one of those whom I forgave – I saw my part. I saw how my actions, determined his actions – how his determined mine – and looking back, I see that it was never, ever what I thought it was. His name was ripped up and thrown away. Yet, he’s image is hanging out in my mind. Maybe I need to write his name again, rip it up and throw it away. Maybe by letting him hang out, I’m letting those moments, that friendship and that relationship determine my future.

In my heart, I know he was a piece of the story – probably not even a whole chapter, and DEFINTIELY not the whole book. Ok, so I’m writing his (real) name down now – did you really think I’d have someone named Meryl in my life?? And I’m ripping it up, throwing it away…and then taking the trash to the trash compactor outside. I know he’s having a happy life, and I deserve for those moments to be memories – memories which got me to where I am, but will not hold me back from where I’m going.

Try it...it's pretty powerful - articulate it out loud...then shred the crap out of it...and toss it!

Livin' the Dream!

As the holiday weekend approaches, I’m realizing that I’ve called Austin home for almost 2 months. Though, as most of you know, I’ve spent the better part of the first six weeks flying back and forth to California, with a brief stop in Michigan to visit my family, my bestest friend, my beautiful nieces and to see my friend, Katie, tie the knot.

It wasn’t until earlier in the week that it actually hit me… “WOW, I live in Austin. Weird.”

With my project in Orange County all wrapped up, I’ve spent the last couple of weeks, better known as my first real weeks, in Austin feeling what unemployment feels like. I honestly feel like since August, since the sliver moon, since this journey began – I’ve been running. Running across the country, through airports, through lunches, dinners, drinks, customs and TSA security check-points. My mind has been occupied with planning the next destination, and making sure it goes off without a hitch. In between I worked, and thought of work. That all changed 15 days ago.

The last couple of weeks I’ve actually had the opportunity to feel at peace. To feel relaxed. Selfishly I slept-in. Until now, this was something I was convinced I could not do, turns out, I can. Greedily, I spent time soaking up the Texas sunshine at the pool. I, Anna Lauri, have the beginnings of tan lines, in May. I’ll stop for a moment while you all pick up your jaws from the floor. Shocking, right? My running shoes came out of the closet, I ran. I re-connected with old friends, caught up with others and met new friends. I’ve laughed, ate my veggies, and realized I need to use my willpower to stay gluten-free. I marveled at Austin’s beauty, the trees, the water. I was given permission to take the “rest of the week off.” And I did. I reconnected with me.

And with that reconnection, strangely came focus. I’ve had some really great phone calls and meetings this week, and I’m really excited about hitting the ground running after this holiday weekend comes to a close. Lists are my thing, and I have lists’a’plenty – of ways to network and market my business, people who I need to connect with, and things to do. I’m giddy with excitement for what the future holds – I’m committed to living my dream, not one which I believe society (or anyone else) should want me to live. (Please remind me of this – as I know I’ll need a reminder time and time again…)

Now I ask you… have you taken time for yourself lately? Are you living YOUR dream?

Back to list making I go...

Dreams; My stepping stone to real life...

The other night I had a really bizarre dream. Yes, I did take melatonin, and I’ve come to expect really strange and lucid dreams when I take it. But this dream took the prize for the most shocking. I dreamt of a man I’ve never met. No, no, it wasn’t some guy I’ve been crafting in my head to court me, and with whom I can ride off into the sunset on an elephant? (Did you really think I’d be on a white horse? I’d rather ride on a giraffe or a zebra, but they for some reason seem less, sturdy… I digress). The man I dreamt of was my father. It’s no secret to most of you who’d actually take the time out of your day and your busy lives to read my ramblings and musing – I’ve never met my biological father. Ever.

I once heard someone say that speaking of your dreams is never really relevant to whom you’re speaking to. But because this dream was so relevant to me, I’m telling you…without regard to if it’s really relevant to you. My apologies. In this dream I was at a pharmacy – though it sorta resembled a deli counter – I was waiting for the pharmacist (or sandwich maker) to get me my goods when this man walked up. Immediately I recognized him and found myself paralyzed with feelings of fear, anxiety and excitement. He approached the pharmacist and asked for his medicine. She asked his name, he said Sean. I knew it was him. She handed him a bag, he removed the contents, lifted up his shirt and stabbed himself with something – and left. Left before I could say anything. I wanted to ask the lady what his last name was, to really make sure before I started following him, but those damn privacy practice guidelines stopped me. Before I knew it, he was gone, and I’m not sure I ever got what I was waiting at the deli counter for.

When I woke up, I remember thinking, “Whoa, that was really, REAL!! How could I possibly recognize him if I haven’t met him? And what was he stabbing himself with?”

Sure I’ve toyed with the idea of finding him since I was about 18. Back then my intent was to make him realize I’m his, and as such, it is equally his duty, as it was my mom’s to help me through college. Using this new thing, the internet, I did some looking. And did some cold calling. It was down right scary. I mean think about it, you’re blindly calling people and suggesting that the person on the other end may be your father?! Awkward.

Since then, I have loosely pursued my search, but never with too much determination. My boldest move to date was when I sought out a Private Investigator company a couple of years ago. Their search came up empty. I wasn’t really concerned.

One thing I’ve come to realize about people is that when things happen in their own time, the outcome is better; they’re happier. (This realization in no way let’s my ex-boyfriend off the hook for continuing to watch TV when I had politely asked him to take out the trash.) Another thing I’ve realized is that if you take the time to look around you, I’m sure you’ll see that the people in your life are not there by accident or coincidence. The world has a perfect way of operating – and the people in our lives are no exception to that. For instance, I know a LOT of only children, and strangely… I have a few friends, who like me have never met their biological fathers.

A few months back, one of my dear friends started her search for her biological father. I can completely and totally relate to finding the right timing in yourself, and mustering up the courage and bravery for such an act, obviously. My friend was able to track down the man she’d never met – but she got there a little too late. Her father had committed suicide weeks before. My heart broke for her – to be so close to understanding yourself, your heritage and your past, only to come up empty. She was able to meet some relatives, and was able to get closure in that regard – but her advice to me, “do it before it’s too late.”

Maybe that’s been lingering in my subconscious. Or maybe the time is really right for me now. I’m at a place that I can actually have the courage to search him, and the bravery to meet him. Whatever the case, I finally have committed to the search. I got a lead from good ‘ol Troy Dunn (the Locator) on an agency he endorses and I gave them a call. The woman who took my call was so amazing – I told her I didn’t know much about him. And with this calmness and empathetic tone she asked me to go through all of the things I did know. “This is great, Anna. You have a lot of really great information.” She asked me what my intent was in finding him – I felt like on the other end of the phone was some who really cared. Jill, that’s her name, indicated that the agency doesn’t take on cases that they don’t think they track down the other party, and that she had confidence that with the information I had, they could. With that, she sent me a contract and I gave her my credit card information.

Sometime around June 8th, an investigator will be assigned to my case. Jill told me that they have a 99% success rate of tracking people down – and let me know that the possibility of finding my dad is pretty good. For a second that set my mind at ease - $695 dollars well spent. And then, I went right back to fear. What if he doesn’t want to meet me and if he does…what on earth will I say?

It’s a big deal here in Anna-land, so I thought I was important to share. I’ll keep y’all posted! In the meantime, if you’re beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be…or where your parents, friends, partners are suggesting you be – STOP. You’re where you are for a reason; there is a lesson to be learned or a lesson given away. Cherish the moment, and be kind enough to let yourself know that you’ll get there when you’re supposed to get there.

Anyone seen this man?? I'm lookin' for him!!

Hello, Austin - nice to meet you, again!

The last 11 days have been a whirlwind – literally looking back and wondering how they slipped through my fingers so quickly. It’s been 11 days I’ve officially called Austin, home. So I’ll call this, my “Hello, Austin – nice to meet you, again” entry.

On March 30th, I packed up the last of my things and finished loading up my car– yes, there was room for Misa, but barely. Bright and early on the 31st, Misa and I hit the road – with the exception of a knarly wind / sand / rock storm between Phoenix and Tucson, the trip was fairly uneventful. We stopped in Las Cruces for the night…my final night at the fancy little La Quinta in Las Cruces. We were halfway there. Much earlier, and much less brighter we left New Mexico and headed to Austin. After 9 and a half long hours in the car that day, we made it to Terry and Liana’s place. After loading up their car and truck with everything that I brought down earlier – we finally made it to Riata, my new home.

See, I told you it was windy!!!

A beautiful sunset somewhere in Arizona or New Mexico

Misa in Ft. Stockton - Home of the Road Runners??

Surrounded by boxes and more boxes, I remember sitting there, peacefully and happily, smiling. I did it. I just started a new chapter. A chapter I know nothing about, I only know that I will be hopeful and optimistic that great things will happen.

Since that moment, my life has taken on its classic Anna form, and been a whirlwind. Since that moment, I’ve unpacked, settled, re-adopted my cat, celebrated my birthday with my Austin friends, kayaked for my first time on Town Lake, celebrated Easter with the amazing families of my amazing friends, met new friends, sent out a bagillion resumes, went to see some live Country music, got my pictures taken in the blue bonnets, gone on a gluten-free diet, helped my friends move, sipped coffee at Jo’s, ran at Town Lake, bought a blender and made at least one vegetable and fruit smoothie everyday, sipped on a Cheetos and Chronic – I mean, a Tito’s and Tonic, ran a 10k, ate at Free B!rds, Sonic and Chuy’s and generally just explored this rad little City that is home to me now.

It feels like I’ve transitioned to this new chapter so effortlessly. I like that. I’m not sure what the future holds, but I know that every day I’m here I love Austin a little bit more.

I hate goodbyes...

There are some upsides to the unemployed life, I’ve discovered. In the moments you’re not frantically looking for a job, or being stressed out about looking for a job, or not having a job, you have time for a lot of fun things. When employment is coupled with a pending near-cross-country move, the world is shining down on you…minus that whole not having a check thing.

Yes, it’s true, I haven’t written a lot lately. But I have been one busy girl. You see, before I could move to Austin, I needed to first close out my chapter and my tenure in Southern California. Thanks to a reduction of work-force back in August, I had the time that I needed to actually do this in a way fitting to me, and respectful of the life and friendships I’ve built since I’ve been in California.

In the weeks leading up to my departure, I made a point to spend some real quality time with the people who matter most to me…which I quickly discovered, is a LOT of people. If you’ve been keeping up with me and my blog, you’ll know that my primary love language is quality time, so fill up my “love tank” I did. Lunches, dinners, cocktails, gym visits, bike rides, hot tubs, coffee breaks, long training runs, wearing green on St. Patty’s Day, boat rides, movies, and marathoning – I did ALL of this accompanied by some of the most amazing people I know. And certainly the cream of the crop of Orange and LA Counties!

On March 27th, the final day of my thirtieth year, I invited those who have made a mark on my stay in California, in my life and in my heart to join me for one last Saturday night out. It was because of these people, that I learned to cry, love, laugh, teach, learn, inspire, support, encourage and challenge. It was with these people I explored, wandered and adventured for the last eight and half years. And, because of the mark they left on my heart, California will always be home to me. I grew into the woman I am today with them by my side.

That night couldn’t have been crafted more perfectly if I got out a spread sheet and tried to do it myself -- Surrounded by these people, I joyfully, thankfully, happily and lovingly – closed out my chapter in California. Thanks for the amazing ride, my friends!! Much love!!