Forgive and Forget

A while back I had a conversation via text about a friend who was entertaining the idea of getting back together with an ex-boyfriend.

The conversation went loosely something like this:

Her:  Yea, we talked.  About everything.  Put it all out there.  We’re honest with it all.  Now we get to forgive and forget.

Me:  Wow!  That must’ve felt amazing.  To just get it all out there… be honest with him, be honest with yourself… and REALLY forgive.

Me:  I feel like this would be a good thing for me to do.

Me:  I mean, not only to forgive them.  But to really be honest with myself and forgive myself.

Me:  That’s it.  I’m going to do it.  Can we meet up this week?  I want to write it all down.  And read it.  It becomes real when I say it.

Her:  Anything you need, doll… you know I’m here for anything you need.

So with that, I decided I was going to do a serious, serious inventory of the forgiveness that needed to happen within myself, and to the people in my life…even if they were no longer in my life.  That weekend, I made a point to clear out my schedule.  I started writing on Friday night.

I wrote that night for 4 hours straight.

I started with the one person I’ve never met – my biological father.  I was three pages deep when I stopped, stared at the page and broke into tears.  For thirty-three years I’ve held resentment.  I’ve made assumptions, with no real background information.  In my mind, the last 10 or so flash before my eyes – my life and my relationships (mostly with men) have been based on what I’ve known.  The tricky part… I’ve not known much.

I knew this exercise in forgiveness was going to be tough.  It was going to be real.  And it was going to bring up the deepest, darkest and worst of my life.  Stuff I’ve squashed.  Stuff I’ve ignored.  Stuff I’ve thought I’ve overcome because I’ve someone managed.  It was all going to come to the surface.
This was my chance to acknowledge the past, my pain and hurt and really just let it go.  This was my chance to not let my past dictate my future.  It was my chance to let go of resentment and to really open that space up for something great.  Something productive.  Something wonderful.

I wrote for 33 pages.  I forgave them.  I acknowledged what I’ve learned because of them.  I forgave myself.  I envisioned how things would be different once I let that go.  I cried a lot.  But felt lighter with every new page.  The weekend passed in those 33 pages.

Monday evening I grabbed a box of Kleenex and headed to that friends house.  Four hours passed, and a half of box of tissue was filled with tears.  She listened.  She asked questions.  She told me she was proud.

When I was done, I shared what life would be like because of this forgiveness.

Because of this forgiveness, and letting going of the resentment I’ve held - I’ve created a space in myself and in my life to allow for good, amazing things.  I’ve opened myself up for love.  To love.  And to be loved.