Finding Home.

The last 5 months have proven to be the most challenging of my life – not because my heart had been broken, or someone had passed away, but because of the pressures in my life.  Hindsight is always 20/20 is what they say – in my rear view mirror I realize, only now, that those pressures were completely brought on by me.  I was in a position to do more, be more – but no one had asked that of me.  I rose to the occasion – I rose to someone else’s occasion by putting myself, my health and happiness behind that of someone else’s. 

I can see now, that my energies were misplaced.  I was living (and working for) someone else’s dreams – and their successes.  Often in those 5 months, I thought, “why can’t they see that without doing x, y and z  this is going to fall – fail.”  I worked crazy hours.  I rarely worked out.  I ate whatever I could find – as long as it was quick.  I went to bed late – only to wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety.  I experienced panic attacks – and I assure you this is probably the scariest thing ever – the (perceived) inability to control the thoughts you have and your reactions can be completely paralyzing and scary as hell.

Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, or because I grew up with a single mom, or because I am fiercely independent – but I was doing it alone.  I was giving and giving and it was gone.  I broke.  Tears.  Confusion.  Frustration.  I was prescribed anti-depressants.  How could I get to this point?  How did I need help?  How did I get to this point that I needed western medicine to step in and help me get through it? 

I’m not one to say I need help – need to be taken care of – but the universe always puts into your life exactly what you need, when you need it.  Friendships changed, grew, died, evolved and began in those last 5 months.  I found again those who care, at a deeper level.  Hugs were received from those whom have left a mark on my heart.  It was those hugs, those hugs that are so magnetic you don’t want to let go – that carried me through the last five months.  It was the realization that whether or not I’m happy, sad, successful, scared or angry – I’ve got people in my life that not only are ok with authentic and vulnerable Anna – that’s the me that they wish to see.  

Those pink pills probably saved me a little in those last two months.  Leveled me out.  I was able to cope with and manage the pressures, obligations and responsibilities (most of which are self-inflicted).  Through it all, I took mini vacations – to have something to look forward to – to not dwell in the unhappiness that was my present.  But through it all – all I wanted was to just go home.  Go home and have someone take care of me.   In these five months, home has been my dog’s smile, been each and every one of my neighbors, been beers in New Orleans and Portland and been pool parties in Vegas.  But sometimes you just need to go home.  Like really home. 

Back in February of 2002 I left home – my journey led to Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Simi Valley, back to Michigan – back to California to Orange County and eventually to Austin.  In those 11 years I have visited 3 continents other than the one I live on.  I’ve visited Washington, Oregon, Nevada, Hawaii, Montana, New Mexico, Arizona, Georgia, Illinois, DC, Virginia, Minnesota, Florida, Pennsylvania, Louisiana and Michigan – 7 of those states were in the last 4 months.  It’d been 14 months since I’ve been back to Michigan.  And it was this week that I realized that 14 months is far too long to be connected with your roots and where your soul was born.

I found me again this week.  I found me on a jetski with the wind whipping my hair so hard it stung my face.  I found me on the back of a boat, singing with my best friend.  I found me getting pedicures with two of the most amazing little girls in my life.  I found me back at Lake Michigan, Big Red in the distance; book in my hands, waves slowly rolling in.  I found me wondering how the hell those trees at my parents place got so damn tall.  I found me running around a lake, having not checked my email in days.  I found me again.

Thank you to all of you have been there for me through all of this.  Thank you for listening and letting me get back to this place in a way would only make sense for me.  Thank you for letting me be authentically me – even if I wasn’t happy with where I was at.  Thank you for your hugs, love and friendship. 

This trip home was exactly what my soul needed.

“Ancora imparo” – Michelangelo

Words are escaping me – emotions are not.  Tears slowing started rolling down my cheeks twelve short hours ago, only slowing enough to have a fragmented sleep and to eat.  There’s really no reason to cry – which tells me it’s a joyful and grateful place that the emotions swelling up from.

This past weekend was a weekend filled with laughter, silliness, deep and thought-provoking conversation, apparition spotting and adventure.  My worlds collided again and two people from my life were introduced – to one another and to something so incredibly special to me.

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He came into my life when I didn’t really know who I was, or where I was headed.  I was in my early twenties – a free spirit connected to another. Our friendship evolved from college football, beer and shenanigans to lofty goals and personal growth.  He was there waiting at one of the most powerful and defining moments of my life – waiting with a strong hug and pride for what I had accomplished as I crossed the finish line of my first marathon.

We are rivals.  Our friendship didn’t make sense to those closest to us.  But it never mattered to us. 

As we got older, our lives took us to different places.  He married a beautiful woman who he had loved before – and who accepted him for who he was, is and would become.  Which is exactly what he deserves, and what I'd wish for him.  I moved to Austin – to continue on my journey.

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She came into my life shortly before I moved to Austin.  Slightly younger than I was when I met him.  She has and still does (I think) look up to me – refers to me as her mentor.  I feel honored that my life and the lessons I’ve learned along the way are of value to her.  But somehow in those years, she’s picked up wisdom along the way that I admire.  She provides comfort and cheerleading in ways I’m sure she’s not even aware of.

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I had the opportunity to introduce these two - who I admire and appreciate for who they are – and also, for who they allow (and encourage) me to be. An old friend.  A newer friend.  Both equally important to me.  Both having been a part of my life and journey.  Both teaching me lessons along the way.  Both sharing in memories that I’ll carry with me for my lifetime.  My heart was filled up in the time the three of us shared. 

Through the sounds of the French Quarter, I stopped to listen to the voice of my heart softly telling me to cherish these moments – they’ll soon pass.  With everything that was in me, I wanted to stall the night from ending.  Methodically, taking mental notes and pictures, knowing that I can’t stop time.  With one fierce hug, I said goodbye to my friend and got into a cab with the other.  Tears slowly started making their way down my cheeks. 

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It wasn’t the goodbye.  It was the gratitude for having people in my life who really, truly get me, accept me, for who I was, am and who I will become.  Who understand me.  Who want me to succeed at life, love and happiness as much as I want to.  It was the realization that life is short and there are a finite amount of moments like these.  It was the realization that true, authentic friends are scattered around the globe and there are more out there then there are in Austin.  It was the frustration that they all can’t be in one place, together, for me.  It was the appreciation that they’re not, but that doesn’t matter – because the distance or passage of time doesn’t seem to matter with friends like these.  It was the gratitude that I have for having friendships like theirs – and the awareness that not every person walking this earth will have the opportunity to feel what this kind of friendship feels like.  It was the realization that I’m deserving of this kind friendship – I’m deserving because it’s exactly what I offer. 

Lessons are presented each and every day.  People come into our lives for a reason.  I know this.  They arrive in perfect timing.  We vacillate between the teacher and the student with one another  - in the dance of life.  

“Ancora imparo” – Michelangelo

Thank you both (and others) for lovingly accepting me as the teacher and the student.  My heart and life are more full because of your sprit, energy and laughter.  Cahcah!  And Misa - thanks for letting me be your soul sister!  

Madness. Hail.

After my mom got married to George a lot of things in my world – for instance, when it was time to watch TV, we usually watched what I wanted to watch.  After we all moved-in together, suddenly his vote counted.  Unfortunately, for me that vote usually didn’t include “The Cosby Show”, “227”, “Growing Pains” OR “Who’s the Boss.”  What it almost ALWAYS included was Westerns, “Unsolved Mysteries” or sports. 

It was when my vote had been over-ruled that I began watching basketball one winter.  Me on the sofa and George in his chair, with my cat (who he hated) curled up at his feet – basketball on the television.  It was 1992 and The Fab Five was all I heard about.  I watched, quietly, not wholly understanding the game or why these five were such a big deal.  I asked questions.  And sometime along the way, decided to join George in cheering for the Michigan Wolverines and this “Fab Five” team…It was here this love for the Maize and Blue began… and what would drive me to Ann Arbor in the fall of 1997 to fall in love all over again.

 Sadly, that love of Michigan basketball took a backseat to my love of Michigan football until recently.  Because of the Fab Five, and the accepting of “gifts” from boosters – the basketball program was in the midst of a tournament ban during my entire time in Ann Arbor.  It seemed like it was taking forever to pull us out of that hole.  How do you hire a good coach or recruit great players when they know they can’t play in the tournament?  You can’t.  For what seems like foooorever.  My love faded.

Back in December, with a fellow Wolverine I cheered on an undefeated Michigan team.  I watched some incredible wins and some devastating losses this season.  This team was incredible – oftentimes inconsistent – completely young – but, whoa… when they were on, it seemed like they couldn’t be stopped.  I think we were all skeptical of their performance in the tournament… but with a tournament stop in Dallas, I jumped at the chance to go to see my Wolverines play.  I watched as Kansas worked us – with two minutes left, it seemed silly to be optimistic for a comeback – they were down by like 10 points and kept sinking 3s.  And then… seconds to spare, Trey Burke threw up what seemed like the craziest shot ever.  It hung for what seemed like an eternity…and swiiiish… OVERTIME.  Just reliving that moment in my head makes me smile.  I later read that with 2-minutes left of the clock, we had a 0.06% of winning that game.  I was part of the 0.06% of people who believed we might pull it off.

Now, I can continue babbling on about basketball – but that’s not really the reason I feel compelled to write.  It was through this time – through the Madness that is March Madness – that I grew more and more proud of this part of my life, this not-so-small part of who I am.  My Facebook feed was each and every one of my classmates, friends and fellow Wolverines showing their pride for our school.  Congratulatory text messages came from Buckeyes, Spartans and Brits.  It was Block M default pictures.  “Go Blue!” and “Hail” status’.  It was pictures of children, cousins, neices, nephews and pets wearing Maize and Blue.  It was links to story after story of what Burke was thinking in that moment.  It was each Wolverine and every person who loves us being incredibly proud of this team, our program and school. 

Something special happened back in the Fall of 1997 when I first walked onto the University of Michigan campus and moved into the dorms – I met some of my best friends (to this day) and became a part of an incredibly tight family of Wolverines.  A family that doesn’t care what your major was, where you lived, when you graduated OR what your name is – but who will see you on the street or in a crowd wearing Maize and Blue and knows that you’re part of the family too…and feel compelled to yell, “GO BLUE!”

So thank you, Fresh Five for this reminder that whether I’m at music festival in Philadelphia, visiting Portland or lost in this sea of Longhorns – that my Michigan family is every where.  Thank you for reminding me that I’m so incredibly proud and honored to be a Wolverine.  Then.  Now.  Always.  Hail.  

Lessons from Whiskey II

To say my life has changed since Big Whiskey found me would be an understatement.  I've come to appreciate my morning routine with the pup - and the lessons she teaches me every morning.

• It's easier to wake up early when you're excited about life.
• It's never too early to wake up the one you love but it's best to wake them with a smile, kisses and snuggles...
• and if they still want to sleep, it's best to rest quietly and pretend you're still asleep.
• Fresh water in the morning is as necessary as a good breakfast.
• Smile at strangers and let them feel your joy.
• A quick run is the best way to start your day.
• Everyday is a new day and we have a choice to be happy - choose happiness each morning.  Repeat as necessary throughout the day.

Everyday I appreciate you and love you a little more - thanks for letting me be your human mom and pack leader, BW!

“Happy one year anniversary...”

Leading in to Saturday afternoon I started to have a strange feeling – a feeling as if something was going to happen.  The events of the day were a bit out of the normal and I think I was probably a bit more on edge.  I was in a protective state of mind – protective of those who I care about in my life.  As the day wore on to evening – the feeling was still there.  I took Big Whiskey out for a walk… the air some how felt heavier or unsettling.  Something was off – but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  Something so off, it made me think I should stay close to home. 

There was a full-moon.  Maybe that was it.  Who knows.  But this wasn’t the first time I’ve felt an energy so strong around me it couldn’t be ignored. 

I went to dinner with friends and called it a night as they ventured on to the next stop.  I called my mom to make sure my parents were ok.  I sent texts.  I just wanted security in knowing everyone was ok. I got home and sat down on the sofa and just opened my mind to what it could be. 

Him.  It was last year about this time. 

No.  It was exactly a year ago.  

Is it possible that those energies work in tandem with the calendar?  Is it possible that your sense of energies are heightened at certain times?  I went to sleep wondering how it was all connected – because something tells me it is. 

It was exactly one year ago that my world got completely flipped upside down.  Everything I had known to be true when it came to life and love was being challenged.  Everything I had known to be true about myself was shifting in ways I didn’t know was possible 

It was one year ago yesterday that I sat in a bar with my back to the door and felt an energy come in – I was present enough not only to feel it, but to be curious about it and spin to see what it was.  I was present enough not to let it pass and to pursue it. 

‘You’re beautiful” Is what I said to him from across the room.  He approached and asked me what I had said.  “I said, you’re beautiful. And I love you.” 

In the year that has passed since he walked into the wrong bar – rarely does a day go by that he doesn’t cross my mind.

I’m thankful for you, Devin.  The lessons I’ve carried with me since our chance encounter on 6^th Street have made my heart open to the possibilities and open to love.  I’m thankful that my friendships seem richer, more authentic and true.  And I’m thankful that I’m open to decisions and feelings not needing coming from a place a logic – I’m thankful for perfect timing.   I’m not sure that what I felt this weekend had anything to do with what I felt last year – but my heart is happy in replaying those days and those moments over in my head. 

I hope that wherever you’re at – your heart is happy, your smile is contagious and your life is full.

Eat 'Yo Veggies

It’s no secret that when you turn 30 everything changes.  Yes, I heard everyone say… “oh, your metabolism will slow down.”   I didn’t believe it.  I’m an active person.  I work out and run very regularly.  I’d say I eat fairly well… I by no means sit around eating potato chips all day.  But I grew up in the Midwest – my diet has always been meat, potato and bread heavy.   It wasn’t until I got to college that I started to eat vegetables other than carrots and iceberg lettuce. 

Last year, I had the opportunity to work with/for one of the most holistically minded people I’ve ever known.  I ate raw and vegan while I was at her house.  I learned about essential oils and supplements.  I left that job at the end of the year, and have spent the last 365 days feeling like my body has a mind of it’s own.  Yes, I still work out.  No, I’m still not eating bags of potato chips.  I’ve always thought it would be interesting to make a drastic diet change and see what happened.  Last week I had dinner with my resident all things healthy friend and was telling her I had thought about going vegetarian…but that I love meat so much. (As I took a bite some of the best damn beef curry my mouth has had the pleasure of knowing.)  She asked what my blood type was – A+ - and said my blood type thrives on a vegetarian diet.  She asked me when I’ve felt the best in my life.  Without hesitation I tell her it was when I did a 10-day juice cleanse in April.  Fine.  I’ll try being a vegetarian.  But only for 30 days.  Just to see what happens and how I feel. 

I came home that night and watched “Forks Over Knives”… and then “Vegucated.”  My thoughts shifted from the clear health benefits of a plant-based diet to animal welfare.  My heart ached for all of the animals that were being tortured so I could have some bomb ass beef curry, delicious cheese and a coffee with skim milk. 

The next day I went to Costco and to Whole Foods on Friday night – very suburban and 30-something of me, I know!  I left with things my cupboards have never known. 

And today… is my 5^th day of a vegan diet.  Yea, you heard right.  Vegan.  I’m trying it.  For 30 days.  So far, so good.  I had a monster headache for about 3 days… but I suspect that had something to do with no sugar, caffeine, gluten OR animal products.  Yea…go big, or?  Right. 

So here I am, craving cheese like it’s no bodies business.  Nutritional yeast on my rice and quinoa… you are my savior tonight.  Thank you for tasting cheesy and providing me those 6-amino acids my body won’t produce naturally.  I’m excited to see how my taste buds and cravings change in the next few weeks – and mostly I’m excited that I have friends that can point me in the right direction, give me recipes when I’m bored, and tell me just to go get some damn French fries.  So thank you Dalit, Cathy and Angie!! And thank you to all my veggie friends!

And as luck would have it… Angie is blogging 30 days of vegan recipes, starting today!  Boom! http://www.powered-by-produce.com/

Here we go!  Oh, and Happy New Year!

2012 Recap - Top 12 Lessons

Top 12 Lessons Learned in 2012

1.  You can fall in love instantly.  It can happen on the dirtiest part of Sixth Street or in the parking lot of an auto shop.  This love will forever change your heart.  You’ll see the world differently.  You’ll feel yourself grow into someone you’ve not even realized you could be. 

2.  Life can be taken at any moment.  Hug fiercely those who matter most to you, tell them you love them, that they mean something to you, that they’ve left a mark on your heart, on your soul -  for you never know when they’ll be gone. 

3.    How it was, only matters if you’re still who you were.  If you’ve grown, look ahead.  Appreciate what was, and smile at will be. 

4.  Friendships change and evolve.  Some will leave when the friendship you share with them isn’t serving one or both of you.  Sometimes you’ll find yourself re-connected with them.  Some stay for it all.  All of them matter. 

5.  It’s ok to live in the moment.  And that last minute flight to Vegas might be one of the best decisions you’ve ever made.

6.  It’s never too late to forgive -to forgive others, to forgive yourself.  Forgiveness creates a space inside of you where great things are bound to be drawn into.

7.  I have a lot of favorite people.  Some of them live close, many live in other states, some on other continents.  We don’t talk every day.  Sometimes years span between the time we see one another.  But each time, with each of these people it’s as if a moment hasn’t passed.  Each time my heart is overwhelmed by their friendship and love. 

8.  It’s ok to make a stand for your happiness – if you don’t, no one else will.  Treat yourself the way you treat others. 

9.  Take care of yourself.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Love freely and fiercely.  Take time for yourself to do the things you love.  Run.  Read.  Learn. 

10.  Surprise someone.  It makes your heart happy.

11.  Aim to see the world, people and your day through the eyes of a puppy.

12.  Be open. To people.  To ideas.  You’ll be surprised at what you see, learn and become when you’re open. 

Reoccurring theme:  Love