When You Ask

With my new little, far too cute friend in the back seat, I headed to see if she was microchipped or if some loser just dumped her on one of the busiest streets in Austin.

On the drive I had an internal struggle… If you put something into the Universe, and it comes to you… are you then allowed to put further conditions on it?  I mean… I was literally THINKING about getting a dog in the exact moment I drove into the parking lot that I was now leaving, with a puppy in the back seat.

Was it meant to be?

With no collar, no tags, and no microchip – I was faced with a difficult decision.  Is the time right for me?  Am I in a place where I can actually care for a puppy?... In the right physical space, mental space and space in my life.  That night it was all about her – I had had plans to go to a concert that night – I cancelled.  She was dehydrated and hungry.  She was shaking and staring at me with puppy dog eyes.  I sat on the floor with her… trying to encourage her drink water…telling her it was going to be ok.  If this wasn’t her home, I knew I’d find her a great home.

That night, my friend and I took her out to go to the bathroom – in the darkness of the front yard, she burrowed herself into the grass.  With tears in my eyes, I turned to Bobby and said, “she thinks that’s her bed!  I can’t take her to a shelter.”

Was it meant to be?

I woke up the next morning convinced things would be chewed and there would be surprises all over the floor.  Nothing.  She was still sound asleep on the blanket I had put out for her.

After the vet confirmed she was healthy, and quite possibly one of the cutest dogs he’d ever seen – I decided I was going to keep her.

I think it was meant to be…

The next morning I receive a text from my best friend Sarah…

“Well, well, well, you said you felt like you could finally love someone and Big Whiskey found you!  How does Stella feel about having a sister?”

I smile.

It was meant to be!

Hey Lady!

I’m chronicling all of this a bit out of order, but I was waiting to see how life played out – and how the pieces came together.

Nearly immediately after that 4 hour forgiveness session – strange things started happening.  I had had a match profile and hadn’t done much with it.  Hadn’t even logged in for a few weeks.  Suddenly men were sending me messaged.

I texted that friend… “How do they know?  How do they know there is room now?  What are men, little Miss Cleos and are clairvoyant?

Four days pass.

I worked in the afternoon from a  coffeeshop with a friend.  We hadn’t seen each other in awhile and I caught her up to speed on all things Philadelphia, internet dating and this whole forgiveness thing.  We left a little earlier than I thought we would, so I decided I should go run an errand and get an estimate on a car repair.

The left turn out of said coffeeshop is a bit tricky.  I turned right and drove through the neighborhood.  I pass someone walking a dog.

I think to myself, “I want a dog.”

I stop myself, “No!  You need a bigger place, something with a yard before you get a dog.”

I turn into the body shop.  The mechanic does his thing and we go inside to get an estimate written up.
He’s about to the part where he tells me it’ll be $197 to replace the car door handle I ripped off my car with my brute strength when I see a puppy run across the parking lot.  Strange.  No one else was near the parking lot when we came in.  Where’d this puppy come from.

I leave.  But decide to walk over to a clothing boutique before I get in my handleless car.

“Hey lady!! Is that your dog?” a little boy shouted at me.

“Nope, it’s not my dog,” I reply back.

I return to the same lot about 15 minutes later.

“Hey lady, is THIS YOUR DOG??” the same little boy shouts.

I walk over.  The puppy is shaking.  Scared.  And looks incredibly thirsty.

I decide that I’ll take the puppy to the shelter to see if it’s chipped.  The kids load her into my car and I turn around and see this....

“Fuck you, you’re cute!”

Forgive and Forget

A while back I had a conversation via text about a friend who was entertaining the idea of getting back together with an ex-boyfriend.

The conversation went loosely something like this:

Her:  Yea, we talked.  About everything.  Put it all out there.  We’re honest with it all.  Now we get to forgive and forget.

Me:  Wow!  That must’ve felt amazing.  To just get it all out there… be honest with him, be honest with yourself… and REALLY forgive.

Me:  I feel like this would be a good thing for me to do.

Me:  I mean, not only to forgive them.  But to really be honest with myself and forgive myself.

Me:  That’s it.  I’m going to do it.  Can we meet up this week?  I want to write it all down.  And read it.  It becomes real when I say it.

Her:  Anything you need, doll… you know I’m here for anything you need.

So with that, I decided I was going to do a serious, serious inventory of the forgiveness that needed to happen within myself, and to the people in my life…even if they were no longer in my life.  That weekend, I made a point to clear out my schedule.  I started writing on Friday night.

I wrote that night for 4 hours straight.

I started with the one person I’ve never met – my biological father.  I was three pages deep when I stopped, stared at the page and broke into tears.  For thirty-three years I’ve held resentment.  I’ve made assumptions, with no real background information.  In my mind, the last 10 or so flash before my eyes – my life and my relationships (mostly with men) have been based on what I’ve known.  The tricky part… I’ve not known much.

I knew this exercise in forgiveness was going to be tough.  It was going to be real.  And it was going to bring up the deepest, darkest and worst of my life.  Stuff I’ve squashed.  Stuff I’ve ignored.  Stuff I’ve thought I’ve overcome because I’ve someone managed.  It was all going to come to the surface.
This was my chance to acknowledge the past, my pain and hurt and really just let it go.  This was my chance to not let my past dictate my future.  It was my chance to let go of resentment and to really open that space up for something great.  Something productive.  Something wonderful.

I wrote for 33 pages.  I forgave them.  I acknowledged what I’ve learned because of them.  I forgave myself.  I envisioned how things would be different once I let that go.  I cried a lot.  But felt lighter with every new page.  The weekend passed in those 33 pages.

Monday evening I grabbed a box of Kleenex and headed to that friends house.  Four hours passed, and a half of box of tissue was filled with tears.  She listened.  She asked questions.  She told me she was proud.

When I was done, I shared what life would be like because of this forgiveness.

Because of this forgiveness, and letting going of the resentment I’ve held - I’ve created a space in myself and in my life to allow for good, amazing things.  I’ve opened myself up for love.  To love.  And to be loved.

Know when to to walk away...

Avicii - ACL 2012

Seriously... one of my favorite shows of my life.  So much energy!!

ACL - Recap

 It's never like it was before, but it's always one of my favorite weekends of the year.  Yes, I'm talking about Austin City Limits Festival.  Back in 2005 my friend Jen and I boarded a plane to what could possibly be the hottest and grossest weekend I'd ever had in my life.  I proclaimed Texas was the worst state ever, and I'd never go back.  Well, here I am.  Living in and loving Austin.  So be careful what you say!  

So here we go again!  

Some of my favorite moments:

• "Your group of friends is like a sitcom"
• "I think if you're hanging with Anthony you should start wearing protective gear"
• "Wait, what happened to your knee?"
• "Wait, is that a flip phone?"
• "I've already had a shot of whiskey and a beer... is that ok?"
• Murder Road
• Innovative bathroom situations
• "I'm to the left of the cactus' on sticks.  Come find me."
• Nicole's backup shoes.
• Game changers.
• Everything Avicci, Ben Howard, Bassnecter, Two Door Cinema Club and RHCP.
• Barefoot in the mud.  For two days.
• "There are 80k people here.  I like 12 of them."
• No cell service.  Ever.
• Imperial.  It's the only time of the year I drink it.
• Glow bracelets and rockstar glasses.
• Charging my rockstar glasses - it made total sense.  I swear.
• "This is my friend, Soy Sauce - but his parents call him Mike"
• "Anna is like my battery charger"
• "If it's after 8, text me on this number."

Lessons learned:

• This festival will never get old, but I slowly am...
• Always be prepared, with Michigan ponchos.
• RHCP have way more songs than I remembered.
• Even the best made plans can't plan for fences spontaneously being erected.
• Only surround yourself with amazing people - it makes the heat, the rain, the mud and the expensive beers worth it.  
• Music is still my religion.

ACL Fest - Jeffy Jeff and the Fun Bunch!

Thank you to all my amazing friends who made this weekend incredible.  I'm going to bed now.  Until Wednesday.  

Traditions

Pre-ACL show at ACL Live

4th ACL with this little fun-ness

Love this weekend!

Throw down $40 and parlay this!

I’ve made some ballsy moves in my life – and in nearly every instance, the outcome has been better than I imagined – but I still wouldn’t consider myself a spontaneous person.  At least not until this past Friday, anyway. All thanks to the interwebs, I realized that I had a few friends that would be in Las Vegas over the weekend.  I’m not talking about random acquaintances, but those friends whom I love like some kind of fierce. 

How could I possibly pass up on a chance to see all of these faces I adore, in one place?  I mean when else will your best friend from Austin, one of your closest friends from college, your first friend from Austin, the little brother you wish you had and the handsome Wolverine you met in a beer line in Philadelphia… all be in one place?

“Just do it.”  “You’re only young once.” “Bring it.”  “What do you have to lose?”

So I booked it – at 2pm - and was on a plane 5 hours later. 

Worlds literally collided. College friends, Austin friends, work friends, Cali friends and Las Vegas all together. Each of them came into my life at a separate time and under completely different circumstances.  Most of them have never met one another, and probably never would have had I not embraced my spirit of adventure – but it was as if we’d all been together all along. 

As I boarded the flight back home to Austin this morning – I smiled at the memories I share with each of them individually.  With these friends, I’ve drank far too many $1 Long Islands at Scorekeepers and share a love of all things Wolverines.  We’ve boated in the Pacific, floated on rafts off of Mykonos, Greece only to swim back to shore and see a bottle Corona be violated.  We’ve crushed bud lights, got in the zone and danced like silly fools to some of our favorite bands.  Together we’ve welcomed babies and said goodbye to parents.  We’ve raced down mountains and walked through Rome.   We’ve seen that it isn’t always sunny in Philadelphia.  We’ve discerned that fish do masturbate and that even a stopped train between us and our beds isn’t actually an obstacle.   They've helped me train for marathons, picked me up, hug me hard and always seem to know what to say.

I have so much gratitude for the people in my life – and am so incredibly grateful to all who made this past weekend ridiculously awesome.  Thanks for adding to the memories - I heart y’all so damn hard!

Lesson(s) Learned: 

·      The people in your life are a reflection of you – what do you see?

·      It doesn’t matter where you live, the ones that matter will always be there, in the moment you’re together it’ll feel like a second hasn’t passed.

·      Big risks can yield big rewards.

·      “No meat”, actually means no meat.

·      Plans aren’t always necessary.

·      WV +7
·      Enunciate better with fives and nines
·      I am lucky.  And I’m loved.

Madness

Because I'm really digging this song - and it's rock meets electronic sound.