Greener Grass

Getting together with my beautiful cousins, Jessica, Krystal and Lindsey, while I’m home has become a bit of a tradition. Traditions which I’m so grateful for, as these girls, are the ones in my family whom I feel closest to. Sure, I’m older than all of them; almost 10 years separate Lindz and I. I changed her and Krystal’s diapers back in the day. But, our relationship is this amazing mix of friendship, family and sisterhood. We laugh, we gossip, we talk about boys and our futures. I know that all three of them look up to me in some capacity; all of our family knows that. I don’t think that they know how much I actually admire each of them – for their drive, their motivation, for their tenacity and for their vision to change the things they know, the things which are familiar to the things which they truly desire. For their ability to chase each of their dreams.

While I was home in Michigan this last time, the four of us got together. Just the four of us, without boyfriends, without husbands. True to the form of every woman I know on this planet, the conversation quickly turned from what we were doing, to the men in our lives. I sat there loathing where we were going. Sure, I have men in my life…but none which were awesome enough to bring up to my sisters, my family. The three of them went on and on about how awesome my life is, and how jealous they are for the things I can do; go to see 8 Dave Matthews shows in 12 days, travel the world, get to ride my bike and run in the sunshine, and enjoy my freedom.

In that conversation I became sad. Sad that I didn’t always appreciate the opportunities I have been afforded in my life. Sure, I’m older than them, have graduated college and make a good living for myself…I should be living a life that makes me happy…one that I can financially afford. The sadness also arose from the longing to have what they have, a boyfriend, a husband…hell, I’d be happy with a guy who appreciated me and took active measures to hang out with me.

I began to wonder if anyone is every truly happy with their lives. Or if the grass is always greener on the other side. They long for the freedom, adventure and fun in my life while I long for the stability, comfort and affection in theirs.

Later that week I found myself sitting at a kitchen table with my mom, my aunt and my cousin Kim, we weren’t talking about anything in particular and out of no where my aunt said something about…”when you get married and have kids…” That’s when I lost it. I certifiably lost it on my family. As the emotion rose up to my face I remember saying something about how frustrating it was that every time I was home, someone had to bring up the fact that I’m not married and I don’t have kids. I got it folks, I’m completely aware of the things which I do not have in my life, I don’t need reminders. I continued on with a line about being happy with my life, very happy. I’m happy with the things I’ve done, and get to do. And that I’m ok with NOT being married and not having kids right now. Kim interrupted with, “yea, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen.” I reminded them “that it MAY not happen at all” and that they needed to be ok with that too.

I immediately regretted losing my cool with them. But I think that conversation honestly freed me. Freed me from the pressure that whether real or implied my family, my friends, and the rest of the world had on my shoulders. It was in that moment I truly appreciated my life. And that I was ok with waiting for the next chapter, knowing that when it happens, that’s when it’s supposed to happen. I want the real thing, I don’t want a “maybe this could work” or… “if I do this and he does that…we could make it work” thing. I want the One who makes being with him a joy; makes my moments with him filled with compassion, laughter, friendship, support and love.

As time passes, this lesson and this moment can dim ever so slightly…and I find myself making compromises with myself. And as if the world knows that’s the place I’m in, it sends me reminders. Reminders like that couple who sat next to me at the hockey game. Who held hands all three periods, who laughed with one another and looked into each others eyes as they spoke. I told them I thought they were adorable, and asked how long they’d been married. Five years seemed like a short time for the gray hair they both had. The woman looked me in the eyes and said, “it’s worth waiting for. I promise you. I can’t imagine my life without him in it, and I’m grateful that I waited for him to come into my life.”

Thank you, Cute Couple. You gave me the reminder I needed. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the moments, opportunities and life which I’ve been given, and which I have chased down with the passions in my heart.

Changes

Have you ever looked at yourself and your life and thought…”whoa, how did I get here? How did I become THIS person?” I’ve remembered thinking that as I rub my hands together, in exactly the way my mom has always done. Upon my return back to the States from Cape Town, I remember sitting in my closet, “thinking how on earth did I get here??” Not literally in the closet, of course…but here in my life. My life is nearly 178 degrees different from the life I had back on August 17th, the day *before* I was laid off from Red Mountain.

Once a planful, methodical, logical thinker and calculated risk taker, I’m now finding myself in this spontaneous, follow your heart, live the life YOU want…not the one which THEY want sort of person.

I literally sold most all of my belongings. Ok, ok, I obviously kept the really good stuff like the 50” Plasma, my clothes, my Ipod and Bose soundstage and my amazing Calpholan pans. It was a strange process, seeing your things, the things you’ve worked hard to obtain just get walked out the door in the hands of strangers. (p.s. I love Craigslist for providing the means for this to occur) Just like that, I felt a little bit freer. Free from the grips of the world. Free to enjoy this journey.

I also, moved in with my amazing friends, Alex and Berenice. This was no easy feat, since I’ve always prided myself on being this independent, I can do it all myself sort of person. And here I am, living in a guest room turned, Anna room with very little things to remind me of the life I just had. Almost daily, I get asked if I’ll be “home for dinner”…as cheesy as it sounded at first, you’re asking a 30-year old grown woman if she’ll be home for dinner, like I was 15 again…I found the love in it. It feels good to be a part of something bigger than just myself. To be a part of a family.

Probably hardest of all, was packing up all of Stella’s things and driving her up to Michelle’s house. Tears welled up in my eyes as I merged onto the 405 North, I decided to stop holding them back. To cry. To sob uncontrollably at the thought of saying goodbye to the one constant in my life for the last five years. Sure I knew that she’d be in good hands. I knew Michelle would love her, as I do. I thought back to all of the moments I’d had with Stella in the last five years, the break-ups and heartbreak over saying goodbye to boyfriends and friends in my life. To the high points of moving into my apartment in Irvine. To my family visiting. To all of the naps we’d take, her snuggled into my armpit. She got me. She knew when I was sad, and let me know in her own feline way that it was going to be ok, and that she loved me. I’m only recently starting to sleep somewhat normally, some say it was jetlag, I honestly believe it’s because Stella hasn’t been there.

So those three are the super obvious changes. Slowly I’m starting to realize the little changes I’ve made in my life and in myself. I think this freeing, this world I live in now that has little to no stress, has freed me to think in ways I’m not really wired to think in.

I’ve found myself really valuing the people around me. Being genuinely thankful for their presence in my life. Not that I wasn’t always appreciative of them… I just find myself being more aware of the good people in my life. And with that, I’m less inclined to tolerate the people who aren’t giving me exactly what I’d give them. At the end of the day, I want to be surrounded by like-minded people. I don’t have time for sometimes-friends, because I have too many always-friends. And those are the people who I want to spend my time with.

When an invitation to go to Cape Town was presented, by a friend who I’d say, I wasn’t REALLY that close with. I threw caution to the wind and accepted. Sure, I didn’t know if I’d have enough money or if we’d be good traveling partners. I trusted my gut. And my gut said GO. I couldn’t have asked for a better group to travel with. I couldn’t have asked for a more amazing experience. I had no idea what I’d see there, usually my trip were planned out with itineraries. I sat back, and enjoyed the ride this time, and walked away with some amazing new friends and a stronger relationship with Chase.

I’m finding that I can now take a leap of faith, instead of overwhelming myself with the pros and cons of a situation. Sure I know the consequences of this particular leap. But the rewards seem like a likely outcome too. I’ve never been much of a gambler. But I gambled a little this week. Figuratively, of course! More on that in a future post. J

Likely there are other isms that have changed in me over the course of the last 4 months, but I thought these were worthy of being noted. It’s been an incredible ride so far. True story!!

What am I supposed to do the day AFTER Thanksgiving??

Note: I haven't posted in awhile, but true to form, I have a lot on my mind that I am shooting to get written out and posted - like that little trip I just returned from...you know the one, where I went to South Africa! However, you'll have to wait for that. There's other stuff on my mind today like yesterday.

Dear Thanksgiving:

You're truly one of my most favorite holidays. What with all that yummy food, and delicious desserts. But I don't believe people really give you credit for what you are...the day to give thanks. To be thankful. Now I for one, am not of the "Give Thanks on Thanksgiving ONLY" camp. I actually make a concerted effort to show my gratitude daily...by the moment if it's necessary. A while ago, back in my Red Mountain days, the folks over at PL&L wanted us to carry "Gratitude Rocks." I never did. Not because I didn't like the idea, but because I think if you need a rock to remind yourself to be grateful...you've got bigger issues. Sure, it'd remind me...but I should be reminding myself. And frankly, no I did NOT want a damn rock in my pocket or purse. I aspire to be someone who is thankful all the time, not just on your day. So while I do enjoy the food that comes out in hoards (but not the dishes that I inevitably help in cleaning) and the thankful-ness in the air on the last Thursday of November, I do wish you'd come around more often. Like every day. Ok, ok, not the food part, but the thankfulness part.

Regards-
Anna

With that, and in no particular order...and NOT on Thanksgiving...here are some things I am thankful for:

• My health, and my legs. As much as I sometimes hate running, I really do appreciate that I can.
• My freedom. And the people who are protecting that.
• My family. As dysfunctional as we sometimes are, those people are part of who I am. Part of who I will always be. And honestly, the holidays just don't seem the same without them.
• Stella. It took me dropping her off at Michelle's to really, REALLY see the impact that she's had on me, my life and my sleeping patterns. Her love is unconditional.
• Speaking of Michelle, I'm thankful for her too. Your friendship, support, and generosity in taking care of my baby while I'm on my journey means the world to me. I can only hope the rest of you have people like her in your life.
• For the Gurski's. Without you guys I'm not sure Orange County would have ever become home. Thank you for inviting me into your home and your family.
• Facebook. Yes, I'm thankful for that. For keeping me connected with friends through status updates, messages and photos. You allow me to keep tabs on just about anyone who's path has crossed mine in the last...oh, 30 years.
• For Eric, who compassionately laid me off from Red Mountain, and freed me to do the things I want to do. Have dreamed of doing.
• For Sarah, whose friendship seems to grow as days and years pass. For your daughters who have reminded me to slow down, and cherish the moments I have with them. I only wish I could get time with you more often.
• For the little angel on my shoulder the last week who has prevented me from being in 3, yes, three accidents on the freeway, that happened...right in front of me. I'm not sure why, but someone is making sure I'm safe and sound.
• To Chase and the rest of Team USA...for being the raddest travel companions anyone could have. South Africa was amazing BECAUSE you were there with me.
• I'm thankful that there is Cholula here in California. Any state that doesn't have this, is not a state I wish to be part of, Tapitio...sorry...you're second.
• To Manus, honestly -- you're one of the best people in my life. You've taught me to wait patiently, love strongly, stand up for what you believe, to have integrity and honor, and how a man should treat a lady.
• To the people who sat next to me at the hockey game this week...for reminding me what I'm waiting for. I want the love like you have. And I'm ok waiting for it. Thanks for the reminder.
• And lastly... leggings, internet access, Trader Joe's amazing black bean dip and dark chocolate covered pretzels, for the ocean, my amazing friends and opportunities to travel to see the world, explore, and find myself and discover what my dreams are and how to reach them.