Hippie livin' vs Christmas

I’m a free spirit, and in my life there hasn’t been a whole lot of tradition. I can’t remember the last time I went home for Christmas. Heck, last year, I didn’t get one Christmas gift. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t phase me, it certainly didn’t break my heart, because Christmas hasn’t really held that sort of place in my heart. There are a few things I look forward to every year – St. Patrick’s Day, my birthday, Halloween and the time I get to spend at the Gorge on Labor Day weekend.

I’m sure there are a few of you who know of my deep love and adoration for a little band called, The Dave Matthews Band…for those of you who hadn’t gotten the memo, there it is. I do love me some DMB. I’ve been to a lot of shows… 34 so far. But nothing comes close to the experience, the music and the memories that always come with my visits to the Gorge.

The Gorge is located two and half hours south east of Seattle, off of Interstate 90. The drive there is stunning. Green trees and mountains eventually turn to flat lands, which eventually turns to a desert-ish area. Every year I think I make that drive thinking about how pretty it all is – how part of me wishes I could stop and take in the scenery…but my excitement keeps me going on to the Sillica Road exit.

Once we make the 4-mile drive or so off the freeway, we wait and wait and wait in a long line of cars waiting to enter the Gorge campground. I know what you’re thinking...”Anna camps?” I’m more rugged than you think…and there is no other place I’d rather be when I’m here – though admittedly every year I notice how young the “kids” are looking…and how old I’m feeling. Once we’ve paid the camping fee, tradition has us journeying through the campground trying to find the best location (near a road, near the honeybuckets and near some really cool neighbors…who we hope don’t play bongo drums all night long.)

We yank out all of our camping gear, which is generously loaned from the Hughes’…and begin setting up camp. And then…we sit, we laugh, we drink…and laugh some more. All before heading down to the best venue in the world.

It’s easily a two mile walk down to the venue…which overlooks the Columbia river and is built into a natural (very steep) hill. There are always “roadies” in our hands…and stories along the way, and new, fun people met. And then there’s the show…The Gorge is the Bands favorite venue to play and it shows. Their energy here is unheard of at any other venue I’ve been too. They feel free, comfortable, home. And the music is amazing.

While I do love me some amazing music, I came to realize this year – that this tradition, and my anticipation of it every year…has little to do with the music, but everything to do with the people and the experience. Not only have I journeyed to the Gorge with four of my closest friends…I’ve also made friendships that I’m positive will last a lifetime. It’s never the music that I remember, the set-list or the transitions…it’s the moments we spend with strangers, friends, and neighbors. It’s the laughing. The games. It’s a dance parties and dance-offs. It’s tent building races. It’s a photo shoot on the hood of a yellow jeep. It’s lost cameras. It’s stolen tents. It’s the kid who offers me Gatorade when I need it. The friends who offer to share their canopies when it starts pouring rain. It’s the conversations over way too much beer. It’s dirty feet. It’s getting lost on the way back from the show. It’s waiting for your friends at the winery…and doing a human bridge to welcome them. It’s too much warm clothes, or not enough. It’s sharing your cooler contents with strangers. It’s the Honeybucket runs when it gets dark with someone else’s headlamp. It’s pink ice skates. It’s jager, turkey slices and pickles. It’s chocolate truffles and monster cans. It’s laughing about the shenanigans of others the next day. It’s laughing at yourself. It’s the ride home, when you feel sick, dehydrated, bruised and exhausted…and then thinking to yourself that it was all worth it.

I’ve grown up in this tradition. I’ve grown into my own here. The Gorge always will have a place in my heart…along with all the amazing memories that I’ve created here…and the people who have been a part of it in the past, and those who I’m sure will be a part of it in the future. Some people have white elephant parties, or hand out cookie tins…me and my friends journey past the Columbia River to live like hippies for a couple of days. I love it. I love every minute of it.

Homecoming

Sometimes you know when the decision you’ve made was the right one, immediately. Sometimes you have to wait for the answer to come into clear view.

I was northbound on the 405 on Monday night and seemed to get lost in the vastness of the mega-freeway. I’d driven this stretch of road countless times over the course of the eight and half years I called Southern California home but this night it seemed way huger than any other time I drove it. Even more huge the when I first arrived in Santa Monica on a February afternoon back in 2002. What had changed? My perspective I guess. I shook off the thoughts, and continued on.

A couple of days later, I was roughly on the same stretch of freeway and found myself in this weird place of grinning ear-to-ear and simultaneously feeling like I was about to break down into tears. But I was happy. So incredibly full of happiness. I sat in that awkward state for the rest of the journey I was on -wondering what spurred this confusion of emotional expression – I mean, at the root of it, I was happy.

In the end, I decided that that too was just a case of a shifting perspective. In what I’ll consider my first time back to Southern California since I moved to Austin – I got a chance to experience the life that I walked away from – the life I spent building for the eight and half years I called Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Alison Viejo and Irvine home. In that time of reflection, when I was filled with happiness – I recognized now that the life I had there matters. I grew into the woman I am now – my thoughts, my opinions, my goals and dreams. Southern California molded me into the person that would eventually call Austin, Texas home.

And most importantly, it was there that I met the most amazing people, and nurtured friendships that I have no doubt will last a lifetime. I’ve said before that my “love language” is quality time – and in my visit to the Orange County and the beaches that line it – I was fortunate enough to spend real quality time with so many of the people who were there though the journey – my love cup runneth over! I am forever grateful for those friendships – it was because of these people and their support that I have so easily began building my new life in Austin. Jen asked me if I missed it there. My response was that I didn’t “miss the place…I miss the people.” But I know in my heart that no matter where I’m at, they’re all still there. And for that, I am grateful.

So thank you to the twenty people, whom I hugged, caught up with and laughed with over the course of the last five days, thank you! You’ve reminded me that my time there mattered and it mattered most because of the people whom I chose to surround myself with. And I was reminded of how much I’m loved…even when I’m 1000s of miles away.

Take note of the people who matter to you, tell them they matter because chances are, you really matter to them too.

Ms. Cleo was a psychic...

Have you ever wanted to know what the future held? I mean…if you did would it make life easier or harder to deal with? Would you try to craft your thinking and decisions around what you were told might be?

I was in San Francisco recently having a little reunion with the American side of Team USA (you may remember these people as the ones I went to the other side of the world with to Cape Town, South Africa). After a night out with the girls, and maybe a drink or five…we all decided that we wanted to go to a psychic. Yes, that’s right, not one of us had been to a psychic.

I’ll admit, I’ve always been skeptical of these people… I mean, really…knowing the future and the past of people who they’ve never met? Be serious. I went in with an open mind – sort of. “You’ll be successful… there is money coming your way… there is travel in your future… someone close to you who’s recently become distant with you – it’s not you, it’s them…they had things they needed to work out without you… someone close to you is expecting a baby, which sibling could this be?” She was on it, until she got to the sibling part. “Ok, well who in your friends or family could be pregnant she asked? It’s so strong, it’s someone close to you…could it be you?” Well, Ms. Cleo, I thought…I’m 31, I suppose any of my friends could be pregnant, but it’s most certainly not be me. She shrugged and insisted someone close to me was either with child…or about to be. That’s the only thing she seemed really adamant about. That’s the only thing that I thought could really be out of my control. I mean…I control my success, my wealth and my travel agenda, right?

“Any questions,?” she asked.

“Ummm…will I ever fall in love, get married?”

“You need to stop looking. He will find you. He will introduce himself to you – you won’t be expecting it. Be patient”

To which I think…Lady! If I’m driving around and all I need is a parking spot… how do you suggest I stop looking for a parking spot? Ugh.

I’m sure she senses my frustration with her answer – which wasn’t really an answer at all in my book. She’s a psychic, right, she knows I’m thinking this. And yes, I know in my heart of hearts, it’s not because I’m unloveable – it’s because I require a love and a friendship so great, that those I’ve encountered aren’t willing or able to provide. I’ll try my hand at this patience she spoke of – knowing that when it DOES happen (she said it would) it’s gonna be amazing and right.

In the meantime…who’s baby shower do I need to start planning?

365 days...

If you had told me a year ago I’d be living in Austin, I’d tell you were crazy. At that point, the last time I was in Austin it was 2005 and about 114 degrees. I recall the following words actually leaving my mouth after Day Three of the Austin City Limit’s “Dust Bowl”: “I’m never f$%*ing going back to Texas ever again!!”

I know, I know…harsh language. But it was about the most miserable heat I’ve ever known. I mean, I’m ok with it being 114 degrees, but not if I have to leave. Ah well!!

This last week marked the one-year anniversary of my lay-off from Red Mountain Retail Group. So much has changed in my life, that I thought it was important to recognize where I’ve been and how I’ve changed in the last 365 days.

· I followed my dream of working for myself. Hands down one of the scariest, frustrating and most rewarding things I’ve embarked upon in my 31 years. I’ve learned what works, what doesn’t, I’ve learned perservernce and how to network like a maniac. While, Shore Break Consultants hasn’t had a huge influx of clients in the last year. I’ve had a few, I’ve made some money, I’ve seen the possibilites – I just have to remember to stay the course and be patient. Good things come to those who work hard – better things come to those who follow their dreams against all odds.

· I’ve recognized the person I have become, and who that person needs to be surrounded by. Gone are the days of nonsense friendships and drama – welcome are the friendships that tried, retried, harvested, planted and new. I know that who I am is a reflection of who I surround myself with, and I’m happy that I’ve found the most amazing friends through the years. From D.C, Chicago, O.C., LA, Michigan, Norway, Seattle, San Francisco, Cape Town and right here in Austin – I’ve found the ones who make me a better person. Thank you all.

· I’ve become more patient, less planful and more fluid. The small things don’t get sweat as often. I’m more easy going. I like it.

· I’ve managed to do an insane amount of traveling – Seattle, Michigan, Chicago, D.C., San Fran, O.C, Albuquerque, and Cape Town, South Africa. I like to think this is because I’ve recognized that traveling is something that does my soul good. Being with the people I love, in the places I adore is what centers me. Traveling is something I’m not willing to sacrifice because of the hand of cards I was dealt. I did not become a victim.

· Probably my boldest move to date was relocating my entire life to the little blue dot in the big red state of Texas. I’m not sure if I really delved into what got me to Austin – so I’ll delve now. True to my Type A personality…I made a list. A list of what I wanted my life to be in the next 5 and 10 years. A list of what I wanted out of a City. I had four cities… Austin matched up almost perfectly with what I wanted in life, both now and in the future. So I threw caution to the wind. I sold nearly all of my belongings, I packed up my car and I moved. I’ve been in Austin for almost 5 months now – and had only a weekends worth of “what the hell have I done” thoughts. I love this little City. I adore the people who I’ve come across and the friendships that have resulted. I’ve learned lessons, learned my capacity, learned where my focus needs to be, what matters most, and what doesn’t matter much at all. I’m confident in the decision I made. I’m happy here. So I’m staying. I signed a lease for a new place (I was only subleasing before…I mean, what if I hated it??) and Stella and I are going to make the move to South Austin – closer to the culture, the randomness, the fun and Town Lake. I’m excited!!

Sure we always look back on years and think to ourselves how much we or life or the world has changed around us – this last year was a year for the books. I’ll forever look back at August 18^th, 2009 with a smile – it seemed like a dark day back then – but now it seems like it was the day that allowed me to chase my dreams. And chasing them I am – and will continue to do.

Frequently flying...

Frequent flyer miles apparently are good for something other than…well, flying. A while back, I got some promotional thing in the mail, which allowed me to exchange my frequent flyer miles for magazine subscriptions. I know you’re thinking… but you like to travel, why would you get magazines? Well, because the miles had been accrued on airlines like United and Continental… airlines, which don’t top my list of favorite airlines. In fact… United is no longer considered an option due to that little “drop me off at the Ontario Airport instead of the Orange County one at 1:30 in the morning…and not provide me with ground transportation to the airport which I paid to travel through” incident. I digress…

So the deal was, exchange my miles for magazines. I had accrued maybe like 4,000 miles, which made me a little more than 20,000 miles short of that illusive free round-trip flight. I’m in, I thought. I travel quite a bit you see, so magazines…they’re actually quite useful to me. Particularly, free magazines.

Now, before you all get excited, let me first tell you magazines like People, would cost me like 4,000 miles…ones like Newsweek were more around the 600 miles range. I diversified and submitted my request. That was months ago – and most of these magazines don’t actually get opened – mostly because I’m too busy with things like the Internet and DVR’d episodes of the Real Housewives and other things equally academically stimulating. So off to the recycling container they go – so my free time can be spent ruminating about how these women can tolerate so much drama in their lives.

I’m happy to report that 8 different issues of 5 different magazines are with me en route to Washington DC today. I got some good tips and suggestions from Money magazine…but as I read through Sunset and Travel + Leisure, I began to feel this feeling of gratitude sweep over me. No, it wasn’t my astute reading capabilities that had me feeling grateful as I flipped through the pages; I came to realize how lucky I am. Lucky because I’ve seen so many of the places that are pictured in these pages. Lucky fond memories of each instantly came to mind. Lucky to have had the opportunity to visit these places. Lucky to have experienced their people and their culture. Lucky to have the drive and inspiration to visit so many more.

Of the 100 best hotels in the WORLD, I have stayed at two of them – one in my former backyard, Laguna Beach and the other on the other side of the world in Cape Town, South Africa. Of the seven continents, I’ve slept in and explored four. While my list of places I’d like to visit grows almost daily…I sit on the Southwest flight to my 4^th trip to our Nations Capital, Washington D.C filled with gratitude for the places I’ve been, cultures I’ve experienced and architecture which I’ve taken countless pictures of. I know that travel is something so rooted in who I am. Because of my countless flights here, there and everywhere….I am rewarded with more magazines I can possibly read in a month’s time AND my world grows, while I realize how small I really am.

Now, who wants to go to Bora Bore or Kenya with me??

The Gambler

I know we’ve all been let down. I know that we’ve all sat in that place of disappointment, anger, irritation and contempt when we’ve been let down. But it seems that no matter how many times it happens, you’re never really prepared for it…and it somehow always feels worse than the last time.

A few weeks ago I got a call from a friend of a friend here in Austin. She had a proposition for “work”…and money for me. I agreed to meet her for coffee to discuss – I mean, it’s money, right??

I’ll spare the all of the details, and just say that the woman seemed honest, open and trustworthy from the get-go. We were almost instantly talking about more than just this opportunity she wanted to talk about – we were talking about our lives. A few weeks pass – I’ve meet with her a few times by now – and NOW the deal is sweeter. Now the deal is she wants to hire me to act as a project manager for a kitchen remodel she’s working on. Obviously, since this was something right up my alley…and would undoubtedly lead to other gigs, I took it. I took it after I evaluated the pros and cons . But for me to take it…it took some rearranging on my part. The project was right smack dab in the middle of 4 trips I had on the books in August. I could take the job, but I’d have to cancel or rearrange all four of those trips. While, these are some pretty incredible trips I had planned – it seemed to me that the benefit of successfully executing the management of this project would lead to be being hired again, and again. That benefit outweighed the disappointment that I knew I’d be causing to some really incredible people – and the disappoint I’d have in myself for disappointing those I care about.

So I drafted up the contract and sent it off. After a few revisions, I was told if I was “cool with the edits, the contract will be signed upon return” and “consider these projects good to go.” Cool. So I started rearranging, calling, apologizing and cancelling.

With the project start date quickly approaching, I contacted my client to go over last minute action items. I wanted to ensure the project was a success – and it certainly needed to start off on the right foot, right? I got a call Monday morning. Somewhat frantic, somewhat crazed, wholly disappointing. My client indicated she couldn’t move forward with me, and it didn’t make sense to “hire” me. But she had – in legal terms, that contract was binding. While I was upset with the thought of not getting the money, which I desperately need at this point, I was more upset with having had to rearrange all of August, and disappoint my friends.

I knew there were two ways to deal with this. I could be headstrong and demand to either work the project, or be compensated for the entire contract amount. Or I could cut my losses and be done with her. This is clearly not the type of clients I’d want to do business with, so I saw it as a blessing. That day, I decided to take the high road. I could have been disappointed in all of humanity – or I could be disappointed with her, and not dwell in it. My world has shown me SO many people of integrity, why should I let one person ruin that for everyone else? Why give them that power? I moved forward and forgave within a few hours. I have sympathy for the decision she made, and the life she’s living – it became clear to me that life is teaching us both a lesson – but that day, I was the only one really looking for the lesson. I was the one looking forward to the things I want my life to be, I was being proactive – not reactive. I was carving out my destiny and not allowing myself to be a victim to the circumstances. Good things are on the horizon, I know that – and I see the lessons I needed to be taught. With that, I’m looking forward, not back. And I’ll take a little lesson from Mr. Kenny Rogers with me… “don’t count your money when you’re sitting at the table…there’ll be time enough for counting…when the dealins done..”

So…deal me in!

Investigator - assigned!! Click, click, click, click...

Admittedly, this is the third entry I’m writing in one day – but like I said below, I’ve been busy, and there have been a few things hanging out in the depths of my mind that I thought prudent to acknowledge and release.

Last week the investigator was assigned to my case – that is, assigned to find my biological father. I ignored the incoming call from a “734” area code…who’d be calling me from Ann Arbor? When I finally listening to the message, I was hesitant to call Jennifer back. I’m not sure why. Actually, yes I am. It’s a scary, overwhelming thing. I mean, calling her back means she’s going to be actively searching for this man, right?! Thankfully, Jennifer has probably dealt with a lot of Anna’s…and called me back later in the day.

We talked for about an hour – going over all of the things I said to the first person that took my call. But this time it seemed more real, more relevant. After all, I was speaking to the woman who will probably find my dad. She asked me questions like, “what is your intent in finding your dad?” and “what is your best possible outcome for this?” and “would you be open to meeting him if it can be arranged?” and “have you thought about the possibility of having half-siblings?” Overwhelming right??

She also wanted clarification on a few items…middle name, date of birth, if there was a connection with the State of California…other important things like that. After I ended the call with Jennifer I called my mom and my aunt – they were my only two sources of information and the only way I could really help Jennifer do her job.

While my mom’s memory has never put her in competition for “most information contained”… I knew she’d know some things. It’s hard for her, I recognize that – to be asked to recount a relationship with a man whom you both love and loathe simultaneously. Most of what she recollected were things I’d heard in past conversations. I called my Aunt after telling my mom that I love her.

Me: “So Aunt Lori, do you remember if he had any siblings?”

Aunt Lori: “Yes, an older brother, Michael, who lived in California. Your dad used your mom’s phone once to call him.”

Me: “A brother in California, huh?” (mental note to call Jennifer right after this call)

With the eagerness of a kid waiting for Santa to visit, I called Jennifer up. It was 10pm in Michigan. I didn’t care. She answered and was so glad that I called. The information about the brother in California could be useful, as she’s found a birth certificate and a social security number issued to a man with my dad’s name in the State of California.

Jennifer seems like the perfect person to be assigned to work with me. She’s empathetic and understands that this will undoubtedly be an emotional rollercoaster for me. She’s assured me, we do all of this on my time, when I’m ready. And she’s here through the entire process. I have a lot to think about, and process while the search is on – but I’m committed to playing out how this may shake out, so that I can be prepared when the time does come. And yes, I’m convinced it will come. I need to make sure I’m emotionally ready for this ride, beginning to end.

With that…I’m asking you, my friends to actually reach out, and check in with me on this – It’s easy for me to focus on other things that are happier and less stressful, but I know that this is something I truly do want and I’m ready for the rollercoaster!

Words...

Have you ever said something and wish you could take it back? Like immediately? Worse yet, have you said something, forgotten it ever slide past your lips – only to find out days or weeks later that your words hurt someone close to you. Your words made someone question the type of friend you were…. Made them question if you were really a friend at all?

I’m sure we’ve all been there. But for some reason, it doesn’t make this feel any better. While I know my words weren’t intended to be received in the manner they in which they were, I can’t help but feel guilty for not taking better care in how they were delivered. For starters, they probably shouldn’t have been delivered on a holiday weekend, after countless beers had been consumed. I can’t help but to feel sadness that someone I care about was hurt by them . Sure I have no control over what someone does with the information they receive – but I have to wonder if my actions were questionable enough prior to this incident that made addressing that much more difficult.

I just don’t know.

I do know since that conversation has occurred, it’s hung so heavy on my heart – and I can’t help but wonder if it’s left a mark on that friendship. Certainly, I hope it was a merely a “blip on the radar” – two friends, learning how to learning to speak up and teach the other what friendship looks like for them. Two friends getting past the surface friendship, and growing into a more meaningful, real, solid, sometimes raw and uncomfortable but totally worth the effort – friendship.

I hope so.

Unicorn hunting!!

So my last entry was a bit dire, admittedly I was in a strange place. I sat there for a whole weekend. Finally, I reached out – for the support, understanding, encouragement and perspective I needed. I hung out in my head for far too many days, and it was clear I was getting no where – if I was going to go there alone.

There are some people in your life who you know just really get you. Like they get you on this level, that at times, you don’t really get you. They can get you out of your head, out of your story and out of your shit so fast…you wonder why it took so long to connect with them.

The resolution we came to that night:

I have been treating my new lift in Austin, as it was my life in Orange County. I hadn’t gotten a chance to recognize I’d been here for all of two and half months and it would be nearly impossible to build the life I had built over the course of almost 9 years in Southern California. I was so used to having a busy schedule full of different friends and activities, I felt sad, left out and lonely here because I had depended on a few to do the job of what many had been doing.

I’ve been underwhelmed. I’m a busy girl, I like a busy schedule…here in Austin, it was pretty uneventful for the most part. Things here and there…but I didn’t have that comfortable feeling of being overwhelmed.

I thought the friendships I’ve built here would automatically be at the level of understanding as my friends back in California.

I’m an extrovert. I need to feel the energy of people around me – and sitting in my apartment alone wasn’t cutting it!

So with that…I wiped the snot from my nose, put some makeup on, changed my clothes and went to the Bar and Grill down the street from where I live. If it cost me ten bucks for some beers to watch the game with other people around – it was worth the ten bucks for my mental health. Feeling totally recharged and me again, I went to bed that night vowing to do what I needed to do make sure I’m taking care of myself and I’m actively building a life here in Austin.

Needless to say, it’s been a busy, but amazing couple of weeks since that entry below. I’ve attended countless networking events, I’ve applied for part-time and volunteer positions, I’ve tried new things and met new people. I’m really hopeful for the next few weeks. I have this sneaky suspicion good things are on the horizon – I can almost feel their energy now!

Bring it!! I'm soooo ready for you!

What's the opposite of Rainbows and Unicorns...? I'll show you!

It was bound to happen, I suppose. The shiney-ness and the newness diminished in my almost four straight weeks here in Austin. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still an incredible City, one that I’m excited to explore. Something changed in me. It changed at about 8:32 am on Friday morning.

I did NOT want to get out of bed. Mind you, I have been on the strangest of sleep schedules lately – staying up waaaay past my bedtime and then staying in bed until 9 or 10 in the morning. Shocking right? Little miss, up at the crack of dawn sleeping in. I’m betting now, Jen is wondering why this Anna couldn’t be around for the mornings after Hermosa Beach Shenanigans. I digress… Having no desire to get up and get moving, I laid there. And I got about 6 text messages in a row. Bing bong, Bing bong... 4 from Liana, 2 from Misa. I was annoyed – for no real reason. I mean, these are two of my best friends, and I was utterly annoyed that they were texting me. Not because it was in the morning and I didn’t want to get up – more because I just didn’t want to deal with it – it being people.

Liana’s texts basically were asking that I help her out with a few things that she wasn’t going to be able to get done that day. I pulled all the strength I had, and got in the shower. I spent that day being incredibly productive – I got her things accomplished, and got a few things crossed off my list. At the end of the errand adventure, I went back to her place to finish laundry (mine, not her’s…my washing machine is broke). And the moment I stopped, I felt that wave wash right back over me. I felt sad, apathetic, empty and alone. Terry came home, Liana came home and Otto came over. Despite being with three of the people I really love, I felt empty still.

We went to a crawfish boil that night. First I’ll say…crawfish are about the ugliest creatures I’ve laid my eyes on. They look like a giant red cockroach to me – so no, I didn’t eat any. Second I’ll say, there were a lot of fun people there that night – and I sat there completely disinterested in any of it. We went home. And I lost it. Just broke down into tears. The hyperventilating kind. Snot everywhere, so much you can’t breathe. Because I don’t have good cell reception in my apartment, I reached out to a few friends who I was confident could calm me down via text. I’ll let you gather yourself while you laugh at this mental picture of me trying to type on my iphone all while mascara tainted tears crash down my face, and snot is dripping out my nose.

Now let me be clear, I’m not a stranger to these meltdowns – my meltdowns don’t happen often, but when they do, it’s a storm. And therefore leaves a mark. By the end of the night, I figured it was a passing thing – I’d go to sleep and it would be better in the morning.

Well, it wasn’t.

And it still isn’t today. This is three days straight – and I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way, or what I can do to make it stop.

Maybe it’s that the magnitude of my decision to move to Austin is hitting me. Let me rephrase this, maybe it’s the magnitude of literally picking up my life and starting over. Having to build friendships, professional contacts and a support system in a new state 1000’s of miles from any other state I’ve lived in. I mean, I had an amazing life back in So. Cal…and I walked away from it. Now that I’ve had time to think about this, it’s really freaking me out.

Maybe it’s because the friendships I’ve built in California don’t seem as strong, or connected as the ones I’ve made here. Yes, I realize I’ve been here for a little over two months, and I shouldn’t expect to TA-DA!! Have exactly what I had back there. Yes, I feel blessed to have the people in my life here…now. I mean, my goodness, this meltdown would have likely happened much sooner and with much more force if it wasn’t for them.

Maybe it’s because I’m working from home, to build Shore Break…and I live alone…and when 6 o’clock comes around, all of my working friends are tired…and little miss extrovert is left to be alone for whole days at a time. Talking to no one, but a cat, who’s interests are: eating, sleeping, biting my toes and sleeping.

Maybe it’s because I have always judged my worth on the things I do and get done – and going to Costco just doesn’t rank as high as getting projects approved. So I’m left to feel empty in what I’ve done and how I’ve spent my days.

Maybe it’s because I crave structure and having a whole day to do everything doesn’t really require it.

Maybe I don’t have enough to do.

Maybe I’m not being challenged – or I’m not learning.

Maybe because I don’t have cable, and I’m bored, and I’m really not Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Maybe because I see everyone around me getting married, having babies and being happy, and I want me a piece of that – but that silly eharmony boy who said he had a great time and wanted to hang out again … never called – and that immediately takes me to the place where NO boy will ever call me. EVER! (I know this is ridiculous, but seriously, that’s where my head goes…)

Maybe I’m overwhelmed with everything I have to do, or could do…to grow Shore Break and to find some clients.

Maybe it’s because vodka made me hurt my foot and I haven’t been able to run in 10 days. And running has this incredible power of connecting me to the world around me, and clearing my thoughts.

Maybe I’ve paid off too many bills, and my life seems manageable, my Mendoza line shifted, and the Universe is throwing me this curve-ball to make me think it’s NOT manageable.

Or maybe the heat and humidity just gets to me and puts me in a funk. I don’t know what it is, but frankly I’m over it. I refuse to sit in this awkward and completely uncomfortable place – but I’m not sure if it’s a passing weekend funk, or if something truly needs to be addressed.

Direct me back to the place of ambition, courage, happiness, zest for life, laughter and motivation. Take me back to the rainbows, puppy dogs, butterflies and unicorns…

(ps, thank you to those of you who have been been trying to get me to a unicorn farm the last few days!! I appreicate your friendship, love and support!)

Shredded Papers...

Sometimes there are thoughts in my head, and I’m left wondering why they’re there. Pages which you’ve turned, chapters which you’ve ended – and it just sorta pops up and hangs out for a time. I’m not sure why, but I’m always curious of it. I’m one of those people who try to always reach out when someone is on my mind. I remember one time I heard Adam Ant sing “Wonderful”…and I called Sarah. I told her I wasn’t sure why I was calling, but I heard that song and it made me think of her. Sarah told me that that particular day was her brother’s birthday – “Wonderful” was played at Jason’s funeral 2 years earlier.

I’m not sure why, but I’m not really inclined to reach out to Meryl.

Over the last couple of months, I’d call myself a scholar of men. Having an incredible opportunity, I was able to attend a workshop suggested to me by a therapist who thought it’d help me understand men better. He thought, because I never had a constant male influence in my life, that I really had no basis of understanding them – so I’d make up how I thought they should be, and then be disappointed when they weren’t that way. So true. And I will attest to the viciousness of this cycle. So I went to the workshop. My world was rocked. I signed up for the next one, believing that this particular one would help me with my intimacy issues with men (ps, intimacy does not equal sex…it does equal being vulnerable. To date, I have never ever allowed myself to get close to any one man wholly. That poses a problem when you’d like to get married and have babies…). I took the course. Again, my world was rocked. In that particular course, I did a lot of forgiving – of myself, of my dad who wasn’t there, of George who wasn’t really there either, of men who’ve hurt me, men whom I’ve chased and men who’ve just not been there.

We wrote down all those who we knew we needed to forgive and to let go of, and in a bold move after articulating the forgiveness, those papers were ripped up and thrown away. Meryl was one of those whom I forgave – I saw my part. I saw how my actions, determined his actions – how his determined mine – and looking back, I see that it was never, ever what I thought it was. His name was ripped up and thrown away. Yet, he’s image is hanging out in my mind. Maybe I need to write his name again, rip it up and throw it away. Maybe by letting him hang out, I’m letting those moments, that friendship and that relationship determine my future.

In my heart, I know he was a piece of the story – probably not even a whole chapter, and DEFINTIELY not the whole book. Ok, so I’m writing his (real) name down now – did you really think I’d have someone named Meryl in my life?? And I’m ripping it up, throwing it away…and then taking the trash to the trash compactor outside. I know he’s having a happy life, and I deserve for those moments to be memories – memories which got me to where I am, but will not hold me back from where I’m going.

Try it...it's pretty powerful - articulate it out loud...then shred the crap out of it...and toss it!

Livin' the Dream!

As the holiday weekend approaches, I’m realizing that I’ve called Austin home for almost 2 months. Though, as most of you know, I’ve spent the better part of the first six weeks flying back and forth to California, with a brief stop in Michigan to visit my family, my bestest friend, my beautiful nieces and to see my friend, Katie, tie the knot.

It wasn’t until earlier in the week that it actually hit me… “WOW, I live in Austin. Weird.”

With my project in Orange County all wrapped up, I’ve spent the last couple of weeks, better known as my first real weeks, in Austin feeling what unemployment feels like. I honestly feel like since August, since the sliver moon, since this journey began – I’ve been running. Running across the country, through airports, through lunches, dinners, drinks, customs and TSA security check-points. My mind has been occupied with planning the next destination, and making sure it goes off without a hitch. In between I worked, and thought of work. That all changed 15 days ago.

The last couple of weeks I’ve actually had the opportunity to feel at peace. To feel relaxed. Selfishly I slept-in. Until now, this was something I was convinced I could not do, turns out, I can. Greedily, I spent time soaking up the Texas sunshine at the pool. I, Anna Lauri, have the beginnings of tan lines, in May. I’ll stop for a moment while you all pick up your jaws from the floor. Shocking, right? My running shoes came out of the closet, I ran. I re-connected with old friends, caught up with others and met new friends. I’ve laughed, ate my veggies, and realized I need to use my willpower to stay gluten-free. I marveled at Austin’s beauty, the trees, the water. I was given permission to take the “rest of the week off.” And I did. I reconnected with me.

And with that reconnection, strangely came focus. I’ve had some really great phone calls and meetings this week, and I’m really excited about hitting the ground running after this holiday weekend comes to a close. Lists are my thing, and I have lists’a’plenty – of ways to network and market my business, people who I need to connect with, and things to do. I’m giddy with excitement for what the future holds – I’m committed to living my dream, not one which I believe society (or anyone else) should want me to live. (Please remind me of this – as I know I’ll need a reminder time and time again…)

Now I ask you… have you taken time for yourself lately? Are you living YOUR dream?

Back to list making I go...

Dreams; My stepping stone to real life...

The other night I had a really bizarre dream. Yes, I did take melatonin, and I’ve come to expect really strange and lucid dreams when I take it. But this dream took the prize for the most shocking. I dreamt of a man I’ve never met. No, no, it wasn’t some guy I’ve been crafting in my head to court me, and with whom I can ride off into the sunset on an elephant? (Did you really think I’d be on a white horse? I’d rather ride on a giraffe or a zebra, but they for some reason seem less, sturdy… I digress). The man I dreamt of was my father. It’s no secret to most of you who’d actually take the time out of your day and your busy lives to read my ramblings and musing – I’ve never met my biological father. Ever.

I once heard someone say that speaking of your dreams is never really relevant to whom you’re speaking to. But because this dream was so relevant to me, I’m telling you…without regard to if it’s really relevant to you. My apologies. In this dream I was at a pharmacy – though it sorta resembled a deli counter – I was waiting for the pharmacist (or sandwich maker) to get me my goods when this man walked up. Immediately I recognized him and found myself paralyzed with feelings of fear, anxiety and excitement. He approached the pharmacist and asked for his medicine. She asked his name, he said Sean. I knew it was him. She handed him a bag, he removed the contents, lifted up his shirt and stabbed himself with something – and left. Left before I could say anything. I wanted to ask the lady what his last name was, to really make sure before I started following him, but those damn privacy practice guidelines stopped me. Before I knew it, he was gone, and I’m not sure I ever got what I was waiting at the deli counter for.

When I woke up, I remember thinking, “Whoa, that was really, REAL!! How could I possibly recognize him if I haven’t met him? And what was he stabbing himself with?”

Sure I’ve toyed with the idea of finding him since I was about 18. Back then my intent was to make him realize I’m his, and as such, it is equally his duty, as it was my mom’s to help me through college. Using this new thing, the internet, I did some looking. And did some cold calling. It was down right scary. I mean think about it, you’re blindly calling people and suggesting that the person on the other end may be your father?! Awkward.

Since then, I have loosely pursued my search, but never with too much determination. My boldest move to date was when I sought out a Private Investigator company a couple of years ago. Their search came up empty. I wasn’t really concerned.

One thing I’ve come to realize about people is that when things happen in their own time, the outcome is better; they’re happier. (This realization in no way let’s my ex-boyfriend off the hook for continuing to watch TV when I had politely asked him to take out the trash.) Another thing I’ve realized is that if you take the time to look around you, I’m sure you’ll see that the people in your life are not there by accident or coincidence. The world has a perfect way of operating – and the people in our lives are no exception to that. For instance, I know a LOT of only children, and strangely… I have a few friends, who like me have never met their biological fathers.

A few months back, one of my dear friends started her search for her biological father. I can completely and totally relate to finding the right timing in yourself, and mustering up the courage and bravery for such an act, obviously. My friend was able to track down the man she’d never met – but she got there a little too late. Her father had committed suicide weeks before. My heart broke for her – to be so close to understanding yourself, your heritage and your past, only to come up empty. She was able to meet some relatives, and was able to get closure in that regard – but her advice to me, “do it before it’s too late.”

Maybe that’s been lingering in my subconscious. Or maybe the time is really right for me now. I’m at a place that I can actually have the courage to search him, and the bravery to meet him. Whatever the case, I finally have committed to the search. I got a lead from good ‘ol Troy Dunn (the Locator) on an agency he endorses and I gave them a call. The woman who took my call was so amazing – I told her I didn’t know much about him. And with this calmness and empathetic tone she asked me to go through all of the things I did know. “This is great, Anna. You have a lot of really great information.” She asked me what my intent was in finding him – I felt like on the other end of the phone was some who really cared. Jill, that’s her name, indicated that the agency doesn’t take on cases that they don’t think they track down the other party, and that she had confidence that with the information I had, they could. With that, she sent me a contract and I gave her my credit card information.

Sometime around June 8th, an investigator will be assigned to my case. Jill told me that they have a 99% success rate of tracking people down – and let me know that the possibility of finding my dad is pretty good. For a second that set my mind at ease - $695 dollars well spent. And then, I went right back to fear. What if he doesn’t want to meet me and if he does…what on earth will I say?

It’s a big deal here in Anna-land, so I thought I was important to share. I’ll keep y’all posted! In the meantime, if you’re beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be…or where your parents, friends, partners are suggesting you be – STOP. You’re where you are for a reason; there is a lesson to be learned or a lesson given away. Cherish the moment, and be kind enough to let yourself know that you’ll get there when you’re supposed to get there.

Anyone seen this man?? I'm lookin' for him!!

Hello, Austin - nice to meet you, again!

The last 11 days have been a whirlwind – literally looking back and wondering how they slipped through my fingers so quickly. It’s been 11 days I’ve officially called Austin, home. So I’ll call this, my “Hello, Austin – nice to meet you, again” entry.

On March 30th, I packed up the last of my things and finished loading up my car– yes, there was room for Misa, but barely. Bright and early on the 31st, Misa and I hit the road – with the exception of a knarly wind / sand / rock storm between Phoenix and Tucson, the trip was fairly uneventful. We stopped in Las Cruces for the night…my final night at the fancy little La Quinta in Las Cruces. We were halfway there. Much earlier, and much less brighter we left New Mexico and headed to Austin. After 9 and a half long hours in the car that day, we made it to Terry and Liana’s place. After loading up their car and truck with everything that I brought down earlier – we finally made it to Riata, my new home.

See, I told you it was windy!!!

A beautiful sunset somewhere in Arizona or New Mexico

Misa in Ft. Stockton - Home of the Road Runners??

Surrounded by boxes and more boxes, I remember sitting there, peacefully and happily, smiling. I did it. I just started a new chapter. A chapter I know nothing about, I only know that I will be hopeful and optimistic that great things will happen.

Since that moment, my life has taken on its classic Anna form, and been a whirlwind. Since that moment, I’ve unpacked, settled, re-adopted my cat, celebrated my birthday with my Austin friends, kayaked for my first time on Town Lake, celebrated Easter with the amazing families of my amazing friends, met new friends, sent out a bagillion resumes, went to see some live Country music, got my pictures taken in the blue bonnets, gone on a gluten-free diet, helped my friends move, sipped coffee at Jo’s, ran at Town Lake, bought a blender and made at least one vegetable and fruit smoothie everyday, sipped on a Cheetos and Chronic – I mean, a Tito’s and Tonic, ran a 10k, ate at Free B!rds, Sonic and Chuy’s and generally just explored this rad little City that is home to me now.

It feels like I’ve transitioned to this new chapter so effortlessly. I like that. I’m not sure what the future holds, but I know that every day I’m here I love Austin a little bit more.

I hate goodbyes...

There are some upsides to the unemployed life, I’ve discovered. In the moments you’re not frantically looking for a job, or being stressed out about looking for a job, or not having a job, you have time for a lot of fun things. When employment is coupled with a pending near-cross-country move, the world is shining down on you…minus that whole not having a check thing.

Yes, it’s true, I haven’t written a lot lately. But I have been one busy girl. You see, before I could move to Austin, I needed to first close out my chapter and my tenure in Southern California. Thanks to a reduction of work-force back in August, I had the time that I needed to actually do this in a way fitting to me, and respectful of the life and friendships I’ve built since I’ve been in California.

In the weeks leading up to my departure, I made a point to spend some real quality time with the people who matter most to me…which I quickly discovered, is a LOT of people. If you’ve been keeping up with me and my blog, you’ll know that my primary love language is quality time, so fill up my “love tank” I did. Lunches, dinners, cocktails, gym visits, bike rides, hot tubs, coffee breaks, long training runs, wearing green on St. Patty’s Day, boat rides, movies, and marathoning – I did ALL of this accompanied by some of the most amazing people I know. And certainly the cream of the crop of Orange and LA Counties!

On March 27th, the final day of my thirtieth year, I invited those who have made a mark on my stay in California, in my life and in my heart to join me for one last Saturday night out. It was because of these people, that I learned to cry, love, laugh, teach, learn, inspire, support, encourage and challenge. It was with these people I explored, wandered and adventured for the last eight and half years. And, because of the mark they left on my heart, California will always be home to me. I grew into the woman I am today with them by my side.

That night couldn’t have been crafted more perfectly if I got out a spread sheet and tried to do it myself -- Surrounded by these people, I joyfully, thankfully, happily and lovingly – closed out my chapter in California. Thanks for the amazing ride, my friends!! Much love!!

Riding Lawn Mowers!!

As I begin to pack up my things to close out the lease on my time in Southern California…I thought it was fitting to do a few things which are quintessentially Los Angeles. It’s slightly sad that it usually takes being a tourist here to see and do the amazing things. And I can honestly say, I’ve done most of those touristy things when I was a tourist, and then when I was an acting tour guide to my visiting friends and family.

So it doesn’t get a whole lot more quintessentially than going to a taping of The Price Is Right. Honestly, I’m sad I didn’t do this when Bob Barker was still the host. Alas, Chase and I went online to see how we got tickets. Just like that, we printed our unreserved tickets for the March 3rd taping.

We got up far too early…sat in LA traffic (does it get more LA than sitting in traffic?) and ended up JUST missing the cut-off for the earlier taping. No fears. We are a pretty mellow, take it as it comes group these days. We moseyed to the Farmer’s Market and bellied up to the bar – before the clock struck 10am. Don’t judge. You’d do the same thing!!

After a *couple* pitchers of beer we went back to the CBS lot, convinced that we were going to hear our name, followed by, “com’mon DOWN!” Well, it didn’t happen – sadly. But we had a blast, had amazing seats, screamed, clapped and laughed. Such a perfect day, with the perfect group of friends!

Look for us on the April 5th episode - I promise you'll see us...third row center!!

Second Chances - We All Deserve Them!

I’ve always been a firm believer in that old adage about never getting a second chance to make a first impression… or was that a slogan for a deodorant?? Either way, I tended to be a part of that school of thought. You are, who you are – everyday of the week. This has served me well in life so far. I think I’ve successfully fended off the creeps, rapists, and ax murders. I instinctively know who are the people I should allow into my life; that’s not to say that I’ve run across the non-ax-murderer type, and just didn’t like them. There was something about how they carried themselves, the unspoken arrogance or shadiness just set off my internal red flags – telling me, it’s ok to talk to them, but definitely DON’T allow them into your inner circle.

Who’s with me on this? I know you’ve all had that feeling?

In past entries I’ve spoken to the opposite phenomenon – really seeing who someone is much later, and not really liking what they stand for as a person or as a friend. I’ve re-evaluated some friendships, harvested new ones, nurtured old ones and now I believe I’m being reintroduced to some people who I’d previously put into THAT category (you know, the one where I’ll casually talk to you, but you won’t know about my day sort of category…).

I’m sure this has happened before, here and there – someone comes back into my life, and see them a little differently. I’ll tread lightly though – intuition is usually right, right?? But in the past few months, this is happened a few times. And by few, I can think of 5 people off the top of my head. I’ve made a habit of really being tuned into patterns that show up – they’re there for a reason, there is some lesson I need to learn. I’ve learned to stop, notice the the pattern, and look around for the lesson. Over and over again, people who in the past, I didn’t much care for we’re standing in front of me – and with fresh eyes, an open heart, and a dash of compassion – I see a new person. A person who I like, who I relate to and who I’d like to call a friend.

The Universe is perfect how it gives you a little dose of exactly what you need. This reintroduction of people in my life has allowed me to evaluate how quickly I can judge a situation, and how quickly I may be closing doors. I’m making a concerted effort to be open to possibilities and people – and to the people who’ve not so coincidentally crossed my path again, I apologize for a hasty first impression and judgment – and I thank you for the lessons you’ve unknowingly taught me!

"Law of Attraction"...do you buy it??

I’m not sure if it was an intentional move to begin with – but somewhere along this journey, I stopped stressing about things out of my control and really started focusing on the good. It all sort of throws me back to that little PL&L ditty – Thoughts, Feelings, Actions. Maybe it does work; you change your thinking and just like soldiers falling into place, the feelings and actions are a direct result of those thoughts. Bad or good.

I could probably be a walking, talking advocate for “The Secret” these days. Things are just happening, with no real effort on my part – except maybe having a mind free of clutter, that’s open to the possibilities of great things happening to and for me.

The intent of my most recent trip to Austin was to get an apartment squared away. I figured if I eliminated the stress and worry of, where will I rest my weary head…that I could really focus on finding a job I love. Months earlier, I had responded to an ad on Craigslist for an apartment on the northwest-ish side of Austin. The posting indicated that the people needed someone to take over their lease, and would offer a $1000. cash to someone who took the apartment in January. Knowing that I would not be moving then, I replied anyway…maybe there was a possibility of this still working out, even if I couldn’t take the apartment until March or April. I kept in touch with Ericka for a month, finally arranging to meet her and see the apartment when I was in Austin a few weeks ago.

First of all, the cost of living in Austin WAY less than Orange County, so I was already stoked on the fact that the rent was $760 / per month. Add into the mix that the apartment community has all the amenities I could possibly want: pools, bbq areas, a business center, fitness centers, volleyball, basketball, racquetball courts, jogging trails throughout AND the community is filled with young professionals AND they arrange social events for the residents. Sold, right? It’s a perfect way to meet people. Walking up to meet Ericka, I was pretty positive I’d be taking the apartment – but it got better! Before leaving my apartment in Irvine, I sold most everything. All of my furniture, gone. Since Ericka and her finance just moved in together, the apartment furnished, but no one was living there. I asked if they’d be open to leaving some of the furniture, that way I wouldn’t have to watch my 55” TV from my beach chair. “Of course!,” she said. And just like that, I had a furnished apartment for the same price. Perfect.

It’s almost humorous how many stories I have just like this from the last few months. But instead of being skeptical and thinking “when will my luck run out” – I’m being thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given, because I’ve asked for them. So thank you Universe for that gift card that showed up in the mail unexpectedly, the shared storage unit, the generous friends willing to watch Stella, the sweet apartment hookups, the amazing (free) dinner at Nic and Stef’s last night AND the class that was postponed for a year because I couldn’t justify dropping $500 dollars on it and is now FREE. I appreciate your generosity – and I’ve learned a valuable lesson. Just ask. You’ll always get what you want, and what you need.

Walking Down Memory Lane

It’s been a little over 8 years since I made the solo journey from Michigan…to Santa Monica.

Looking back, I wonder where that gutsy girl has been hiding. I’ve always been one to chase my dreams, to march to my own beat to laugh in the face of everyone who said I couldn’t or shouldn’t do whatever crazy idea I had that day – but this was a ballsy move. I’d only been to California once, but I fell in love with the weather, the ocean, the sunshine and the endless possibilities. All of these things overshadowed the fact that I didn’t really know anyone in California, that my entire family and friends were getting left behind in Michigan, that I didn’t have a job, and that I’d never stayed alone in a hotel or driven more than 8 hours by myself. I was young and my spirit of adventure couldn’t be squashed.

With my little Jetta packed up – With a little “California” playing as I took off that snowy, blizzardy day…I turned the page to a new chapter in my life.

As the next chapter is about to start, I took the time this week to take a walk down memory lane – I went back to where it started, and reconnected with a few of the people who were there in the beginning.

I had lunch with an old boss, mentor and friend. We talked about the old times and what was in store for me moving forward. I’m not sure I’ve ever told John, but I have him to thank for me landing at Red Mountain – and for believing in myself to do my own thing now.

After lunch in the Culver City area…I cruised over to Brentwood to meet Uma for lunch. While Uma wasn’t necessarily one of the first people I knew…being in Brentwood brought a surge of memories to me. My very first “real” job out of college was in Brentwood – Jacques + Marquez Architecture. It was strange, standing there and looking up at the office – I remember the day I walked in, and the day I walked out like it was yesterday. Thankfully, I’ve chosen to take the best of JMA with me. I learned a lot in those months spent in that teeny tiny office – I learned to stand up for what I believe, to not allow another person diminish my self-worth or spirit. I walked away with some great friends – That day I walked away with a smile, thankful for the opportunity.

That night I was going to stay with my friend, Amy in Santa Monica. Amy was my first girlfriend in this new chapter. We met waitressing at this hole-in-the-wall restaurant, Earth, Wind and Flour on Wilshire almost 8 years ago. On my way to Amy’s house, I drove past, EWF and Obrien’s (my most favorite bar!), I journeyed down 19th Street and stopped in front of my old apartment and down Montana St. I walked down Main Street – all of it seemed so familiar, so comfortable. But I was seeing it all with new eyes.

The next morning I was able to meet up with Kayo, who I worked with at JMA. We brushed over the past and those memories, but focused on us, now. The thing I appreciate most about her is her ability to show love, care and admiration in the way she listens. We hadn’t seen each other in probably 6 years, our lives have changed, but our friendship felt as if not a day had passed. I have those same feelings with Uma, with Amy – with all of the people whose mark I recognize and appreciate in my life.

I’m thankful for having had the opportunity to spend a few days on the West Side – while I’m thankful for the person I’ve become in the last 8 years, I’m thankful for who I was then – and for the people who I invited into my life, and that those people are still there.

Reaching Out for Support!!

Hello Friends-

In my life I’ve found that things are easier and more meaningful when you do them with the support of your friends and family. I’ve also learned that to get support, you have to be willing to give support.

One of my good friends, Steve Weatherby, is passionate about a few things, Ohio State Football (we’ll forgive him for this), running, and giving to those who need. A while back he told me about his dream of launching a non-profit organization which would provide an outlet for people like you and I, to raise money for whatever organization we found near and dear to our hearts, in whatever way WE wanted to raise funds.

I am so excited to announce that this last week, Steve launched, “Because I Can”!

In my support for Steve, and his dream, I have joined “Team Because I Can” – Steve, Stephanie Schonauer and Erin Wignall Han and I will be running the LA Marathon on March 21st, 2010 to raise funds through Because I Can for The Pablove Foundation.

The Pablove Foundation is named after Pablo Castelaz, the son of Jo Ann Thrailkill and Jeff Castelaz, and the little brother of Grady Gallagher. On May 17, 2008, Pablo was diagnosed with bilateral Wilms’ Tumor, a rare form of children’s cancer. The cancer appeared out of nowhere, with no warning signs in Pablo’s general demeanor or health. He underwent treatment at Childrens Hospital Los Angeles. On June 27, 2009, Pablo’s individual fight with cancer ended. But we fight on in his name, with the spirit of love that Pablo embodied and inspired. Every year, the Pablove Foundation gives money to improve the lives of children with cancer, at both a national level as well as a local level here in Los Angeles.
While I’ve been lucky to have never known a child diagnosed with cancer personally, I known far too many people diagnosed with cancer who have fought and survived, and others who have fought and sadly lost that fight. It’s because of this, that I am choosing to run…to honor those people in my life and their fight, to support my dear friend and to support an amazing organization.

Our team’s goal is to raise $15,000 for the Pablove Foundation. Please use the Because I Can website to donate, in honor of those who you know or have known with cancer and to support me in my forth marathon – as I support my friend in his dream.
If you want to support us, and can’t make a monetary donation – fear NOT! You could join in the fun and run the marathon with us!! Or if you’d like to come out and cheer us on as we run those 26.2 miles…I’m pretty sure I know three other people who would appreciate that support. Or, you could simply repost this, and help us get the word out!

Much LOVE,
Anna
http://www.becauseicanhelp.com/teambecauseican/

"Laser"

So while I’m on the topic of goals for twenty-ten…I’m not sure if it was written…but since the journey began, I’ve learned to be a lot more spontaneous. I’m a pretty planful person by nature. I like to know what I’m doing, when and with whom. As I write this, I’ll have to blame my mom for that…since those where the three things I needed to account for each and every time I left the house.

With this newfound freedom has come spontaneity…which at times has me feeling a bit anxious. But, I know that that anxiety needs to be embraced…needs to be lived, because it tells me I’m fighting off some other feeling.

Now I know you’re sitting there and wondering what the hell I did that was so spontaneous to warrant this entry. Right?

Since I was a child, a small one, ok ok…technically a toddler, I’ve worn glasses and contacts. My vision wasn’t terrible, but my eye muscles were so strong, my eyes would cross as I tried to focus on anything up close. So for the last 28 years, I’ve lived with this…I never embraced it. I’d sleep with my contacts in if it meant someone would see me with my eye crossing. Only my closest friends have actually seen me without my contacts. So few actually, some didn’t even know I wore contacts…much less needed them since I was two years old!

On Tuesday, I finally gave in…I made an appointment for Wednesday with Saddleback Eye Center for a Lasik consultation. I had no idea how much it would cost me…which is sort of why I wanted to go to the consultation. On Wednesday I arrive, slightly nervous…and true to form, I couldn’t pass up an incredible deal. An incredible deal with a top-notch surgeon. I took the plunge that very same day…I qualified for the financing…I got my eyes all lasered up! I walked out of the office three hours later with crazy goggles covering my eyes.

Today is Thursday, and I couldn’t be more happy with the most spontaneous decision I’ve ever made. I am rockin’ some 20/20 vision, and I’m told it will get better in the coming weeks. Pretty damn awesome!

And yes, I did almost jab myself in the eye last night as I went to take out my contacts…force of habit!

The remaining question… why did I wait for almost 29 years?? Quick, easy…painless. I wish everything in life was this easy!!

FAIL?

One of my goals this year was to blog at least once a week…at least I think that’s what it was…at any rate, I get a big fat FAIL where that’s concerned for the last couple of weeks.

No, this isn’t because there isn’t anything going on. Quite the opposite in fact. Turns out it takes a bit of effort to uproot your life from one state to another, the older you get. I’ve been in hot pursuit of job opportunities in Austin, along with figuring out where I’ll live. All of this has done a number on my sleep patterns. It seems that I’m incredibly busy all day, every day and I’m exhausted when I get home and am excited to let my head hit the pillow – when to my dismay, there I lay, staring at the ceiling, night after sleepless night. Oy.

Alas, things are beginning to fall into place. I’m heading to Austin again next week to take another load of things down there, and *fingers crossed* I’ll get a lease signed, and maybe have an interview or two.

So there’s the update. I guess I’ll write about something sort of meaningful. As if that wasn’t. Eeeeck!

Storm Watch - Twenty-Ten

I didn’t really believe it would happen when they said it would, and certainly not to this extent! Our local meteorologists had a real doosey on their hands with this storm – something other than sunny and seventies? But they were right. And boy was I thankful I left New Mexico when I did…because I would have been driving through the worst of the worst, and likely hating every minute of it! It’s funny how the world works sometimes, looking out for us in ways we don’t usually expect.

Storm Watch, Twenty Ten is about to come to a close, so I figured I’d sit in this chilled air, the sound of rain hitting the roof and windows and be a little lazy. It’s true what they say about Southern Californians, they really have no idea how to live in the rain, much less how to drive in it. I’d like to thank those storms that spent the last 6 days rolling off the Pacific for reminding me what it feels like to live in weather; to have to have the forethought to grab an umbrella and a jacket, to think twice about wearing my Rainbow flip flops out of the house, to slow down on the freeways and be patient and kind to the other drivers out there and to fall asleep to the thunder, the lightening and the sound of rain.

Somehow in all that sogginess, I found myself grounded and happy. Content and inspired. Thoughtful and thankful.

“Be happy that it happened, not sad it’s over”

Life is funny how it works sometimes. Dr. Warren says we’re perfectly compatible. And who’s to doubt him, right? Certainly not me! If I could have made a list of what “he” looks like, he would’ve fit the bill. Strong willed, active, handsome, educated, funny, drives a truck, loves his family…all the way down to the blue eyes. And with that, I pushed forward, odds stacked against me.

Something in Dr. Warren’s equation was off when it came to the two of us. We’re a lot a like. So much so, I believe it’s precisely why we spent days agitated and unhappy – neither of which is inherent to either of our personalities. We were not yin and yang. We were yin and yin. Both fighting to be right, to be heard and to be seen. Acting on the unspoken perceptions of what we thought the other was thinking, doing and being. Both running against solid, doubly reinforced concrete walls. Both trying, and growing frustrated when our efforts failed again and again.

All of it reminded me of that sphere-shaped toy, with the shaped holes and same shaped pegs. We weren’t putting the matching peg to the matching hole. Frustration clearly ensued. Lots of it. But we tried. I honestly believe that we both gave it the “old college try.” For that, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for having met him, for the comfort he gave me in speaking my truth, for the experience, the journey.

As I left New Mexico that Saturday morning, I couldn’t help but be sad. Hardly ever are goodbyes, goodbye, right? Sure, there is a part of me that isn’t ready to march on…because to me, it means that my daily talks and text with him may cease entirely. My days, look different without him a part of them. But there is larger part of me that has so much respect and adoration for the man that he is, that I want him to be happy, healthy, loved and successful. I’d like to believe he feels the same way about me. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn’t make it any easier. But the journey was worth every second of it. I know that I’m a part of the fabric of his life as much as he is now a part of mine. Everything happens for a reason, and while sometimes life allows you to see those reasons, sometimes you just have to appreciate it, even if you don’t understand it.

And on the drive home, guess what I saw? A sliver moon.