What's the opposite of Rainbows and Unicorns...? I'll show you!

It was bound to happen, I suppose. The shiney-ness and the newness diminished in my almost four straight weeks here in Austin. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still an incredible City, one that I’m excited to explore. Something changed in me. It changed at about 8:32 am on Friday morning.

I did NOT want to get out of bed. Mind you, I have been on the strangest of sleep schedules lately – staying up waaaay past my bedtime and then staying in bed until 9 or 10 in the morning. Shocking right? Little miss, up at the crack of dawn sleeping in. I’m betting now, Jen is wondering why this Anna couldn’t be around for the mornings after Hermosa Beach Shenanigans. I digress… Having no desire to get up and get moving, I laid there. And I got about 6 text messages in a row. Bing bong, Bing bong... 4 from Liana, 2 from Misa. I was annoyed – for no real reason. I mean, these are two of my best friends, and I was utterly annoyed that they were texting me. Not because it was in the morning and I didn’t want to get up – more because I just didn’t want to deal with it – it being people.

Liana’s texts basically were asking that I help her out with a few things that she wasn’t going to be able to get done that day. I pulled all the strength I had, and got in the shower. I spent that day being incredibly productive – I got her things accomplished, and got a few things crossed off my list. At the end of the errand adventure, I went back to her place to finish laundry (mine, not her’s…my washing machine is broke). And the moment I stopped, I felt that wave wash right back over me. I felt sad, apathetic, empty and alone. Terry came home, Liana came home and Otto came over. Despite being with three of the people I really love, I felt empty still.

We went to a crawfish boil that night. First I’ll say…crawfish are about the ugliest creatures I’ve laid my eyes on. They look like a giant red cockroach to me – so no, I didn’t eat any. Second I’ll say, there were a lot of fun people there that night – and I sat there completely disinterested in any of it. We went home. And I lost it. Just broke down into tears. The hyperventilating kind. Snot everywhere, so much you can’t breathe. Because I don’t have good cell reception in my apartment, I reached out to a few friends who I was confident could calm me down via text. I’ll let you gather yourself while you laugh at this mental picture of me trying to type on my iphone all while mascara tainted tears crash down my face, and snot is dripping out my nose.

Now let me be clear, I’m not a stranger to these meltdowns – my meltdowns don’t happen often, but when they do, it’s a storm. And therefore leaves a mark. By the end of the night, I figured it was a passing thing – I’d go to sleep and it would be better in the morning.

Well, it wasn’t.

And it still isn’t today. This is three days straight – and I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way, or what I can do to make it stop.

Maybe it’s that the magnitude of my decision to move to Austin is hitting me. Let me rephrase this, maybe it’s the magnitude of literally picking up my life and starting over. Having to build friendships, professional contacts and a support system in a new state 1000’s of miles from any other state I’ve lived in. I mean, I had an amazing life back in So. Cal…and I walked away from it. Now that I’ve had time to think about this, it’s really freaking me out.

Maybe it’s because the friendships I’ve built in California don’t seem as strong, or connected as the ones I’ve made here. Yes, I realize I’ve been here for a little over two months, and I shouldn’t expect to TA-DA!! Have exactly what I had back there. Yes, I feel blessed to have the people in my life here…now. I mean, my goodness, this meltdown would have likely happened much sooner and with much more force if it wasn’t for them.

Maybe it’s because I’m working from home, to build Shore Break…and I live alone…and when 6 o’clock comes around, all of my working friends are tired…and little miss extrovert is left to be alone for whole days at a time. Talking to no one, but a cat, who’s interests are: eating, sleeping, biting my toes and sleeping.

Maybe it’s because I have always judged my worth on the things I do and get done – and going to Costco just doesn’t rank as high as getting projects approved. So I’m left to feel empty in what I’ve done and how I’ve spent my days.

Maybe it’s because I crave structure and having a whole day to do everything doesn’t really require it.

Maybe I don’t have enough to do.

Maybe I’m not being challenged – or I’m not learning.

Maybe because I don’t have cable, and I’m bored, and I’m really not Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Maybe because I see everyone around me getting married, having babies and being happy, and I want me a piece of that – but that silly eharmony boy who said he had a great time and wanted to hang out again … never called – and that immediately takes me to the place where NO boy will ever call me. EVER! (I know this is ridiculous, but seriously, that’s where my head goes…)

Maybe I’m overwhelmed with everything I have to do, or could do…to grow Shore Break and to find some clients.

Maybe it’s because vodka made me hurt my foot and I haven’t been able to run in 10 days. And running has this incredible power of connecting me to the world around me, and clearing my thoughts.

Maybe I’ve paid off too many bills, and my life seems manageable, my Mendoza line shifted, and the Universe is throwing me this curve-ball to make me think it’s NOT manageable.

Or maybe the heat and humidity just gets to me and puts me in a funk. I don’t know what it is, but frankly I’m over it. I refuse to sit in this awkward and completely uncomfortable place – but I’m not sure if it’s a passing weekend funk, or if something truly needs to be addressed.

Direct me back to the place of ambition, courage, happiness, zest for life, laughter and motivation. Take me back to the rainbows, puppy dogs, butterflies and unicorns…

(ps, thank you to those of you who have been been trying to get me to a unicorn farm the last few days!! I appreicate your friendship, love and support!)