Like a day hasn't passed...

It’s funny how the Universe perfectly brings people into your life, just when you need them.  Maybe you’ve known them forever and lost touch.  Maybe they’re with you in the day-to-day.  Or maybe you don’t even know them, and they walk in and change you and the course of your life, who knows, maybe Devin is one of those people. 

A few entries back, I talked about how sometimes we need to distance ourselves from others and other outside influences before we can truly quiet our worlds long enough to hear the whispering in our hearts.  In the past, I’ve seen people in my world do this.  No explanation, just gone.  Of course, the mind left without details, is going to make up a story – and usually that story is because you’ve done something wrong, they’re mad at you, they hate you, etc.  It’s never because they just needed space and didn’t quite know how to articulate that – everything with the mind is cause and effect.  This happened – this is the result.  If you’re a part of the “this” – the result is part on you. 

Anyway, as I began withdrawing to a place that was quiet enough – I suddenly realized why this needs to happen.  I reached out to a few who I’ve seen do this – and I told them, while maybe I didn’t get it before, and I probably wasn’t respectful – I got it now.  It was in doing so I got reacquainted with a few people in my life. 

One of these folks went out of their way to help me – help me find answers, clarity and focus.  They gave me a piece of information missing from the puzzle and I was rocked.  Literally, I sat there, not knowing what to think or feel.  This is not to say, before this meeting that I knew what I should be thinking or feelings. 

With my world rocked – I did what any sane person would do.  I called someone whom I haven’t spoke to in years.  He’s an old friend – who had a similar story.  Well, it was his wife that actually “felt the energy” come into a room (which coincidentally, I happened to be standing in at the time) – and it was he, that was the energy.  He was Devin in this story.  Well, as their story goes, my friend had some, we’ll call it “unsettled business” to take care of – though there was no doubting that he had an instant and powerful attraction and connection with this woman.  They knew that there was something between the two of them – but the timing wasn’t right.  It took nine months for them to reconnect.

I reached out to understand why.  Where was he in those nine months, what was he thinking, feeling, doing and being?  Where was she in all of it? 

He listened – he’s always been an impeccable listener.  And he offered more details on his story.  He asked me some really real questions – what if he had a girlfriend, would I be ok if I were the “mistress”.  Without a doubt, “that doesn’t bother me.” 

“What is it you know for sure?” – I know with every cell in my being that this is not over. 

“Then don’t let it be over.”

Easy as that, eh? 

He suggested I keep the positivity around the feelings, around the encounter.  If it doesn’t feel over, than it’s not.  He suggested that because I couldn’t talk to him, maybe write letters to him. 

I felt so much love and support and understanding when I hung up the phone with that old friend.  I appreciated his friendship in that moment, and I appreciated that it could be resurrected after so many years – and feel like nothing had changed. 

He told me he appreciated me, and this story – and he was so excited that I’d gotten to feel these things and he’d continue to put positivity around the situation.

That night, I wrote my Dutch Lover a three-page typed letter.  I told him the things I thought in that evening, the morning after and the days following.  I told him about my days since I last spoke to him.  If I was struggling with something, or if there was something I was excited about – I told him.  I asked for his advice.  His support.  I told him I looked forward to the next time we spoke and could be together.  I didn’t hold back.  I felt so light – it was such a freeing release. 

That night as I drifted off to sleep, I thanked the world for him.  And I asked that wherever he’s at, whatever he’s doing, I hope that he could feel me thinking about him and sending me love from Austin, Texas.  I hoped that he smiled when he thought of me – and was sending the same right back.  That was the first night I slept like a normal person.  

Head vs. Heart

I’ve taken a break from writing so I can really take the time to feel the feelings.  Of course I was heartbroken, sad, confused and angry.  But the more I sat there, with the sound of my heart drowning out the sound of my head, and the thoughts of those around me… I felt something.  Something real, something more powerful than me – and something more powerful than my ability to change, predict or sway the future.  In the stillness of my heart, I felt a message wash over me:  “It’s not over – this isn’t the end.” 

Of course, something like this has no logic whatsoever, so my head is in CONSTANT struggle.  I wake up in the middle of the night – cold sweat, with only him on my mind.  It’s silly how the craziest thoughts can creep into your head… particularly when you take the time to put happy and positive thoughts into your head before you drift off to sleep.  I’m not an over religious person, I’d consider myself more “spiritual”… but I bet this what dealing with the devil is like. 

The end of that week was a bit of a rollercoaster.  I’d go back in forth between, “what am I thinking,”… “and man, these feelings are too real and too powerful to ignore.”  I’d hear the naysayers in my head…”Get over it Anna, it’s not going to be anything.  Any more thought about this will only further complicate you moving past this.”  Then I’d get a wave of warmness that washed over me, and I could hear him in my head, “Always trust your instinct.”

I felt like I was playing a game of ping pong – on one side my head and on the other, my heart. 

Holidays. Birthdays.

Kissing you

Friends always know when they need to check in on someone it seems.  Timing perfect.  A friend who I've known a couple of years sent me a text on Wednesday morning.  We aren't the friends that talk all the time, but will text here and there.  I didn't expect her to check in on me, I hadn't told her what had been happening, but she had been keeping up on the blog.

She told me that her initial instinct was cynicism, but that her true instinct was this:  

She said this reminded her of how meaningful chance encounters can be, and regardless of the outcome they are gifts of life and the living and for that we should be grateful.  

Thanks, T.J. for checking in on me.  And thinking of me.  And reminding me that even while sitting in this sadness that I have much to be thankful for.

Don't stop.

I tried to treat Wednesday as normally as I could.  I had an interview in the morning and then met up with the production team I’m working with for the Google SXSW event.  My mind was pre-occupied most of the day with the days happenings.  Which was good.  I enjoyed meeting the team, learning about what we’d be doing for the event and understand what they do on a day-to-day basis.  Seems like a cool industry…and something worth exploring.

We got back to the hotel around 3 and I was asked to make a quick run to Office Depot to get some supplies for things that they’d need for the meeting with Google in the morning.  I went.

In the car ride there, I realized that it was mid-day and I hadn’t heard from Devin.  Sadness washed over me.  I replied to Misa’s text with… “I just stopped long enough to realize I’m sad. “

My cousin called me right as I left Office Depot… asked how I was doing and I lost it. 

While the logical person in me understands that everything happens for a reason, and that him walking into the wrong bar forever changed my perspective – I didn’t understand why he had to leave… why he had put so much energy into telling me that he wanted to be with me, that he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again… if he was going to get on a plane and leave without saying goodbye.  I was heartbroken. 

I’m thankful that Jessica called me when she did – I needed someone I love and who loves me to let me cry it out.  I knew she wouldn’t judge.  I knew she wouldn’t think I was crazy to love him.  And I knew her heart hurt, knowing that my heart was hurting.  While we agreed that neither of us understood why – we knew that it wasn’t by chance or accident that he walked into my life.  

Listening

I think it's perfect that two days before I met Devin, I did this exercise with my life coach where I had to tune into the chambers of my heart.  In that exercise - with my eyes closed, I was just feeling my thoughts and the energy in and around my body.  Willow saw a dramatic shift in me physically.  When I told her about what happened on January 28th, she joyously exclaimed, "I'm so proud of you for *hearing* your heart, so your soul could meet his."  

I know I've been rather quiet lately... which is not like like me.  Usually when I have problems or something is weighing on me, my instinct is to talk it out.  To get others insight.  This is the first time in my life that I haven't... and have actually told some people whom I care about and whom I know care about me that I'm not looking for sympathy or hypothesis' or creative solutions.  I just want to be and to feel. 

(That's not to say, them checking in on me isn't appreciated and noticed.  Because it certainly is!)

In the last few days, I am realizing that as we grow up, as we encounter new obstacles or events on our journey... we may not handle things we may have in the past.  Others may not understand.  They might be hurt by our silence.  We may turn to others who haven't been there in the past - and may turn away from those who have.  It's not to hurt feelings - but it's to hear our hearts, to heal our hearts and to grow.

I've been wanting to write in the last few days - but my heart has been telling me to hear and to listen.  And when we hear, when we are truly listening - we're not speaking.  There's a lot going on in my head and my heart - and I've liked watching it unfold in the last few days.  

Please?  Alsjeblieft?

 I've thought this exact quote a few times... Love is risky.  And I'm a calculated risk taker.  Maybe to a fault.  I've never been in a position where I can confidentially and without a doubt, say I was IN love.  Still... this sounds and looks weird to me when I say it or type it.  Like, someone else has still taken over my body, my words and voice, and my hands that type.  

I'm willing to risk it.  The feeling was more real and more right than ANYthing I've ever known.  I usually question everything... what are the pros, cons, repercussions.  This is the first time in my life that I've had the... "YUP!  I don't care what you say!"attitude.  Call me crazy.  Call me delusional.  Call me whatever you want, because, suddenly the only thing that matters is the feelings I feel.  

That's a huge step for me.  

I care about people in my life.  And often put them, their thoughts and opinions before my own.  This is the first time in my life, I haven't cared.  I like that feeling.  So the risk is worth it... On so many levels.

Left side...

I always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door because I almost always get up in the middle of the night.  This makes my late night journey to the bathroom a few steps shorter.  This was no exception the night that Devin was here.  I was on the right side of the bed, he slept on the left.  

At some point in our text conversations he asked me if I knew of any "good places to stay in Austin."  I told him I could think of one, the left side of my bed.  He laughed and told me that but "back at home I sleep on the right."  I told him he can sleep on whatever side he wants to sleep... so long as I'm next to him.

He told me my bed was big, and that there was room for us both in the center, he on the right, me on the left... with room on either side for Stella.

This morning I woke up on the left side of my bed.  I never do that.

Maybe my subconscious was trying to get closer to him, since that's the last place he lay... and I wanted to take him in one more time.  Maybe I was preparing myself for a life of the left side.  Who knows.  Maybe I just had too much dayquil and was more tossy-turny that usual.

Wishing with everything in me... I'm forced to sleep on the left side.

Intermission time!

As someone who is mega organized, and a go-getter it’s tough to realize that there is nothing that’s truly in your control.  Devin leaves tomorrow to go back to Holland.  I haven’t really heard from him since last week. 

I keep telling myself he’s busy.  He’s in the military and that means his time is not his own, and he might be working all day, and all night for days on end… and that might mean he’s not available to text or call me when I need it. 

Then there’s the side of me that is subconsciously making him like every guy I’ve ever dated, who just like a magician disappeared in the night.  But I have to stop myself and realize that he’s not like every guy.  No other guy has said the things to me that Devin has, no one has kissed me like that, or made my heart go pitter patter… so to lump him into this group of guys really is disrespectful to him.  The one who did it right, who made me feel special, important, beautiful, thought of and loved. 

Maybe he saw himself falling and had to put the brakes on – because he wasn’t ready, the timing was wrong or he had things he needed to take care of.

Who knows what’s going on – I could hypothesize all day what he’s thinking of or doing.  But what I need to do is trust, dig deep and find patience, calmness and peace around this situation. 

Because I believe there is no such thing as a coincidence… I know that I don’t have his contact information for a reason.  I know I’ve given him and this situation an authentic and vulnerable Anna.  One who is ready to love so hard that the hurt doesn’t even faze me.  An Anna that trusts that if this love story is meant to be, it will be – but it can only be if he’s consenting to it too.  And it can only be if we’re both wanting it at the same time.  While I feel like I’ve known him forever, there are so many things I don’t know – I know that for a time he was on the same page, because he said it. 

I know that I’m more than thankful that he and those adorable dimples walked into the wrong bar.  In less than one day, he showed me passion, excitement, respect, consideration, humor, vulnerability and love.  He taught me that instincts are usually worth following, that hearing your heart isn’t always easy but is always worth it.  He showed me that love at first sight is possible – that I’m less stuck in my ways or my life – that for the right person, I’d be willing to pack up a few things and head off to another country.  He showed me that my “type” was so far away from what I thought it was.  And that sometimes, it’s the things that can’t be seen, that can only be felt are the most important things in life.  So thank you Devin, I wasn’t sure love was ever going to be in my cards – and now I know can be, because it is.  For whatever reason he was brought in to my life, I’m thankful and I do love him. 

Obviously, this new found romantic in mean believes that this isn’t the end of the story… merely the intermission.  

Nothing.

Sunday and Monday I struggle through wanting to scream at him, run to him and just plain give up.  He’s not replying.  And the little girl in me is shouting, “Because he doesn’t like you!!”  And the big girl in me is wondering why he’d put the effort in that he did the week before. 

He could have left if on Sunday.  We could have let it be what it was, an amazing night together.  But we both knew this isn’t what it was supposed to be.  You don’t have nights like that… and march on, pretending they didn’t happen. 

He told me he liked me.  That he wanted to be with me.  Wished he was laying next to me, could kiss or hug me.  That he missed me and that he reaaaaaallly wanted to see me.  That he wanted to come to Austin again. These are things I can see... they're still on my phone.  I re-read these texts over and over... just to make sure I didn't make it up in my head.  

With everything that’s in me, I can’t believe that these things aren’t true.  But I wonder why the silence now. 

I’m faced with the tough reality that I don’t know his contact information after he leaves on Wednesday – I decide that I’m going to be authentic Anna.  And if authentic Anna wants to talk to you, damnit, she will.

I send a text Monday night: “Did you get all caught up on your beauty sleep?  How was your day?  I miss chatting with you… ik denk mijn Nederlands is roestige krrijgst – and I realized I don’t have your contact info after the Dutch army takes you back home.  We should do something about that.  Bc you’re cool.  I’m cool.  And cool people should stay in touch.”

Nothing.  

Devin: Thursday - Saturday

Off the map.  Doing training.  Hasn't slept in three days.

Thank you little voice... you were right.

Me: Thursday - Saturday

Thursday morning I woke up happy... but having this feeling I probably wouldn't hear from Devin that day. Thursday morning I woke up happy... but having this feeling I probably wouldn't hear from Devin that day. I didn’t.  And that was fine.  I know he’s busy.  And he mentioned that sometimes they get taken away and put onto “missions”… I suspect if you’re being flown to another country to train, you should probably be doing some intense stuff. 

I send a text around 10, to tell him goodnight and that I was thinking about him.

Remembering that he shares a phone, I wasn’t too alarmed that he didn’t reply back… I was tired anyway and crashed out pretty early.

By about 4pm on Friday I start to get a little anxious as I STILL hadn’t heard from him.  He’s got a job, I remind myself.  And it’s not to text me sweet messages.  Sadly, nope that’s not his job.

I occupy my time with looking for jobs, babysitting and skyping with friends.  I was supposed to meet up with some girlfriends that night and am almost relieved that they won’t be staying out much longer… and for me to get ready and meet them seems unneccessy at this point. 

Sleep.  Wake.  Babysit.  Anxiety grows again as I STILL haven’t heard from Devin.  I try not to go to the place that tells me that he’s just like every other guy in my life who eventually abandons me.  But it’s hard to not feel that way.  It seems just when I let my guard down and admit to loving him (even if not to him) he’s gone.

I have some great, supportive conversations with friends near and far.  And then… I show up to babysit my adorable niece. 

Matt:  I mate, how are you?

Me:  wwwwwwwwaaaaaah – waterworks commence

Matt and Katie shower me with hugs and love before they leave for their date night – feeling more guilty for leaving me… than leaving that adorable 3-month old daughter of theirs.  I feel bad for ruining their night – but take joy in spending time with this beautiful little girl, who sees me crying and just smiles, as if to say, “Dry your eyes… it’s not what you think.”

With Sophie, bathed, fed and swaddled, I head back downstairs.  Music… that’s what I need.  And I sit.  I think.  I listen to my voice.  Not the one of anyone around me.  My voice sounds a bit foreign… I tend to listen to and consider others voices before I consider my own.  I hear it loud and clear.  “It’s not what you’re thinking.” 

By the time Matt and Katie get home I have found a peaceful and content place – sure there are a few soggy tissues laying around me.  But the worst is over.  I feel good.  Confident and content. 

I know what I need to do.  I know what I want to do.  And I’m going to do it.  

More kus, kus

I’m not sure why the Universe was shining down on me like it was that Wednesday – but EVERYthing that could go right DID.  It was such a happy, full day.  After I left my terrible job, and was offered an amazing opportunity to “volunteer” for a friend to at his tradeshow booth – in exchange for a Platinum Badge for SXSW, I said… I don’t want to have a job until April so I can take advantage of it.

And just like that, I asked, and I believed it was possible – and boom! I received.  That day, I locked down a contract to do some work with a production company working on a Google event. Just like that, I’m Anna Lauri, Production Assistant.  With the money I get for those two weeks of work, I’ll make more than I did a month at Michelle’s.

Annnnd… I listed my apartment on airbnb.com which is this amazing site which allows people to rent peoples rooms, apartments, houses, sofas, etc.  It’s like the anti-hotel.  And because every hotel in all of Austin is booked for SXSW, this seems like a profitable and awesome idea.  My place is listed for two hours… and just like that, rented for half of the time.  I have to leave my place for 5 days and I’ll get more than my rent and utilites for the entire month.  With that… I have officially locked down my expenses to carry me through March.

All day long I want to tell Devin.  All day.

I send him a text…pretty much telling him I hope his day has been as great as mine… and I was waiting all day to tell him.

What kept me he asked?

“I wanted to be respectful of the fact he’s working.  And I don’t need a Dutch Army commander type mad at me that I’m distracting one of his soldiers… presumably the best looking and baddest ass of all of them.”

“Haha, wat ben je toch en engel?” he asks.

Nope.  Not an angel.  Just Anna.  Being honest.  And falling in love with a boy. 

Then he says…“I reaaaaaaally want to see you before I go!”

I tell him I have this crazy feeling he will see me before he goes.  And the last time I had a crazy feeling, I met some Dutch guy in a bar and told him he was beautiful and I loved him.

He reminded me that I said this more than once and I nearly had him blushing.

Getting my flirt on… I asked, “ tough guys blush?”

Only “certain people get the special treatment,” he says.

We talk about karma.  How we both believe that what you put out is what you get back.  He tells me he’s happy, that I’m so happy.  I tell him it seems he’s pretty happy too.

“YES I AM!!!!”

He tells me he’s about to step into dinner with a friend and he thinks it’s rude to text when you’re with someone.  I couldn’t agree more.  And respect him more for doing so.  I tell  him I’ll practice being patient in the meantime.

I’ll tell you one thing, when you’re waiting on something you want… the time seems to creep by… and three hours can see like an eternity.  FINALLY he writes back.

“How’d that work for you?”

I tell him I was strangely patient… a small lie, considering I was so eager to hear back from him.  But I knew I would eventually.  He has always struck me as the type that follows through.  Who says what he means, and means what he says.  I tell him I appreciate and adore this about him.  He tells me that first impressions and gut feelings are usually good and at least for him, work out. 

At about this time, my friend Misa was texting me.  It was then that I said it aloud.  I’d been thinking it for awhile… but the through hadn’t escaped my mind and actually been articulated into words.  And certainly not audible ones. 

“If he asked me to marry him tomorrow.  I would.  I’d run, not walk to the nearest courthouse.  This is it.  It’s him.”

Who the hell have I become?  The Anna Rachelle Lauri I know would never say something like this.  

Ever.

He tells me there’s one thing that he didn’t like about last Saturday night.  My bed was amazing.  And that now he hates the one he’s sleeping on now. I tell him I’m starting to think he likes my bed more than me. 

He tells me he’s sorry for deceiving me… and then immediately follows it up with: “No I can’t even do this as a joke, it makes me feel guilty!”  Seriously?  This guy doesn’t even want to pretend to hurt my feelings.  I love him.

Is het oud nieuws dat ik echt echt, wish you were here.  Of ik warren er.  Or we waren allebeiergens anders?  Together.

He tells me it may be old news… but it’s still definitely relevant.

I continue with my 20 questions…he answers.  Nothing but sweet answers.

He tells me it’s time for him to call it a night again… “lonesome in my horrible bed :p sleep well, schat, kus kus”

I tell him I’m there in spirit and would sleep in a horrible bed or in the cacti anywhere really – if I were next to him. 

Kus kus.  

Kus, kus...

Monday night I decided to save him as “Dutch Lover” in my phone – every time a text comes through I smile a little bigger. 

Tuesday night he tells me he misses my bed and the person in it.  I’m beginning to think this bed of mine may have made a bigger impression that I did.  There’s a three hour delay to one of my texts – he recognizes that and apologizes for the delay.  He’s sharing a phone with a collegue and apparently, the phone was on a “trip without him”.  I like that he awknowledged it.  Maybe he knows that girls sometimes sit around wondering why people aren’t responding to us at lightening speed!

I begin firing off questions – I want to know the smallest details and the biggest ones.  What’s your middle name?  What part of the Netherlands do you live in?  When do you go back? Is your last name spelled with an E or an A?

He wonders if I’m doing a background check on him and tells me he wishes we could be laying next to each other as I play 20-questions with him.  And I assure him that no background check is needed – that even despite the fact that I once dated a tat’ted up military guy who was in military prison once… that he passed the creepy / murderer test.  That I trusted him. 

I ask if there’s a chance… even a small one that we might get to see one another before he leaves.  He isn’t sure if or when they’ll have time off on Sunday – but if he does that getting to me will be on the top of his list. 

I tell him I’ll drive wherever and whenever – even if I only get to see him for a little bit it’s better than not seeing him at all.

And then it’s goodnight. 

“Goodnight handsome, kus, kus” I tell him.  And then ask if he’s proud that I’m picking up Dutch already?

“Kus, kus lieverd!:)” he says… and that he figured I remembered that word… and that it made him smile.  

I smile, knowing he's smiling.

Baby Blue

Back in 2009 Dave Matthews Band released  their most recent studio album "Big Whiskey and the Gru Grux King.  As a pretty ridiculous DMB fan, this was a pretty big deal to me.  I loved the album immediately... and there are a few songs that immediately stuck out to me.  Songs that I listened to over...and over...

Baby Blue was one of those songs.  I'm fairly certain it's about someone dying, but the love story behind it seemed so amazing.  I remember thinking... I hope someday that I feel that way about someone.

I'm not sure WHY I listened to this last Tuesday... but the moment I did, I just sat there thinking... this is how I felt when I met Devin.  I'd been thinking about getting him an ipod shuffle and loading it with all of my favorite songs - for him to have on the plane.  Music is such a huge part of me, I figured by listening to these songs, he'd get to know me a little better.

This is the song I wanted him to hear the night before he left to go back to Holland.  Lyrics posted below the embedded song, which is a video of a concert I was actually at.  Weee!



Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chestand I will forever, ‘cause you’ll forever bemy one true broken heart, pieces inside of me
and you’ll forever, my baby be.
You will rest your head, your strength once saving.And when you wake you will fly away,holding tight to the legs of all your angels.Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue.
Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.Still, I know I gave my level best.You give, you give, to this I can attestYou made me, you made me.You and me forever, baby.
You will rest your head, your strength once saving.And when you wake you will fly away,holding tight to the legs of all your angels.Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.
You will rest your head, your strength once saving.And when you wake you will fly away,holding tight to the legs of all your angels.Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

Am I going to need my passport?

That Monday we text one another for 2 hours.  With all that is in me, I want to hear his voice – and his adorable accent.  But I know, he’s working… and the phone he’s using is a shared phone with one of his collegues while they’re training in the states.  He tells me he misses me, he wishes he could see me and hug and kiss me.  And that he wishes I could see the smile on his face. 

I can, I tell him.  I committed the look of his smile to my memory somewhere around 9pm on Saturday 

night. 

He tells me he wants to be with me, and wonders why I have to live on another continent.  I tell him I have a passport and that he’s crazy to think I’d let a continent be an obstacle for me, after the time we’ve spent together and with all the feelings I’m feeling now. 

He tells me he wants to visit Austin again this year, and wonders if I know of any good places to stay.  I tell him I can only think of one.  He asks to make reservation – I tell him I’ll be here whenever he decides to come back.  And I’ll happily jump on the first plane to Holland when he decides it’s a good time for me to visit. 

He asks me what it was about him that I was attracted to, and tells me I’m not allowed to say his accent or his looks.  I remind him that I wasn’t facing the door when he walked in, I was talking to a guy… and the energy or the universe, instincts, whatever, forced me to turn around.  This was before I saw his face or heard him speak.  I reminded him that it was more than his dimples, blue eyes and accent. 

I tell him that I need to get to sleep… and he says, “ Eeen knuffel voor Stella en een kus voor jou sleep lekker en fijne droman.”

A hug for Stella, a kiss for you.  Good night and sweet dreams.

With that… I fall asleep… probably still smiling.

Coincidences, Cats and the reply!

So I skipped over a few things that are worth mentioning… mostly because I want to remember all of it.  So bear with me as I fill in pieces. 

Coincidences?  While I’ve never believed in love at first sight, I DO believe that there is no such thing as a coincidence.  Everything happens for a reason.  Remember how I wasn’t supposed to be out that night… I was supposed to be with a friend. 

In the morning, Devin told me he was happy he walked into the wrong bar.  I was confused, what did he mean, wrong bar?  I guess they had been in San Antonio for the day, seeing the Alamo and Riverwalk… and had gotten dropped off in Austin for the night to hang out on Sixth Street.  They’d walked down the street as a group and decided to go to the “Rooftop Bar”… only there were two doors right next to one another.  The one of the left was for “The Library” where I was at… the one on the right was for “Rooftop”.  This explains the confused look they had marching in.  I’m so glad that he walked into the wrong bar – and I’m so glad I wasn’t at dinner with my friends.  There are no coincidences. 

He agreed.  The story is crazy.  Crazy awesome. 

Another thing worth noting…

I have ALWAYS said that Stella will tell me when it’s the right guy.  She’s pretty slow to warm up to men – and I’ve only seen her warm up quickly once.  Every man, other than Anthony, has gotten the silent treatment – she’s hidden in my room… and only after a while will creep out and begin assessing the situation.  Eventually she does warm up – but like I said, it’s only been once, that she acted like this. 

Sunday morning, as we sat on the sofa together – his arm around me, my arm over top of him.  Stella jumped up.  Usually she’d be up in my face or on my lap.  But she walked right to him… climbed on to his chest and lay there, looking up at him.  I looked at her, and she held her gaze on Devin.  Almost saying… “so it’s you, huh?”  I mentioned that Stella doesn’t really take to men too quickly and has only warmed up like that once… odd.  Then he told me he woke up in the middle of the night and she was asleep on his chest.  I was shocked.  And smiling inside.

We talked about how animals and children really have a sense of someone’s aura.  They know if they’re good people or bad people instinctively.  I think we all know what is good, or bad instinctively, but I think we loose it as we get older… Instincts, aura, call it what you will – but I saw my cat on his chest looking at him and being totally content – Stella doesn’t know how to talk, but that is one communication that I heard loud and clear. 

In all honesty, that Sunday was full of really weird feelings for me.  With all that was in me, I wanted to tell everyone… but at the same time the feelings we’re so foreign that I felt like I needed to be alone and digest it all.  I had lunch with a friend, and gave her the details – as the words were coming out of my mouth I still wasn’t sure I believed it.  We attempted meeting up with the guys for Sunday Funday – I had one drink and decided it would be better to go home.  Eventually I made it to my friends place to unload all this news with them.  Again, none of it felt normal – and saying it aloud just kind of felt awkward.  Like the words were coming out of my mouth – but it wasn’t me who was saying them…

The thing about feelings and friendships – I feel like the heart always knows what it needs – and chooses its path accordingly.  And fortunately for me, I have a pretty epic group of friends who know me well enough to know that as forgien as the words were coming out of my mouth – the feelings behind them were real.  I felt crazy.  I assumed each person I told would think I was crazy, tell me to get serious, realize that this man lives in the Netherlands, that he’s younger and that… it just won’t work.  No chance.  So get off the cloud you’re floating on and come back and join us on earth… because this is not real life.  Surprisingly, most of them didn’t. 

Those that know me well, know that I don’t run around spouting off things about love and be serious about them.  Sure, I’ve said I’ll marry Dave Matthews, or Tom Brady… but we all know that won’t happen.  The listened to what I said… and believed me.  Believed me that I do love him.  Believed that I feel like I’ve known him forever.  Believed that I will be with him.  Believed even when I wasn’t sure what to think.  They let me have my head in the clouds, and be excited and giddy.  They know me well enough to know that I’m a logical person… and they didn’t need to remind me that he lives in Holland…which is on another continent.  They let me float because they knew that I would be the one to keep my feet firmly placed on the ground. 

I’m thankful for that… I’m thankful for them.  All of them.  And I’m glad I was able to quiet the voices to allow my heart to be heard…  And I’m glad my heart talked extra loud to be heard over the screaming my head was doing. 

Anyway, back to the story…

Monday was a fairly average day.  All day long I wanted to text him.  But decided I should play it cool.  Because, that’s what cool girls do, right?  I waited patiently for exactly 24 hours to pass before I sent any sort of reply to his text from the night before. 

“Ik was net denken over mijn favoriete Nederlandse ninja….En mijn nieuwe favoriete Nerderlandse word! Hoop dat je had een geweldige dag!:)”

Which loosely translates to something like… I was thinking about my favorite Dutch ninja and my favorite dutch word.  I hope you had a great day.

His reply made me smile probably the biggest smile of my life…

“Ik moet zeggan dat je heel de dag in mn gedachten ben gewest.  You know I really adore you taking the time to translate everything to dutch.  J  Ik wil je weer zien.  Wat heb je met me gedaan in een avond?!

Which means something like…I must say that you’re spending time thinking in the same way I have been.  I want to see you again.  What have you done to me in one night?

What have I done to YOU?  What have you done to ME?  I’d known him for less than 48 hours and I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  Seeing his text come through make me smile before I read them… I get all excited to put them into a translater to see what he said… and then I smile more huge.  And from the looks of it... he's on the same page as me.  

The Beginning...

I can, without a doubt, claim that I have never been a girlie girl, or a girl who loves love.  Sure, I’ve had disappointments that teetered on heartbreak – and yes, to a degree I think I’ve put myself out there and made myself vulnerable to the object of my affections.  I’ve never been mushy, sentimental or cheesy when it came to relationships.  I’m a logical person, a math and science type. 

Almost thirteen years ago, my best friend, Sarah went to Cancun for a Spring Break trip – she came home telling me she met the man she’d marry.  I could have smacked her.  Was she kidding?  Did she really think that some pirate that she met on a dinner cruise who was from MEXICO was going to be her husband, the father to her children?  I never believed in love at first sight – not even after I met Oliver and knew that he’d be the man my best friend married.  Not even after they celebrated their 12^th wedding anniversary and the birth of their two beautiful girls – still didn’t believe. 

That all changed on January 28^th, 2012. 

I had met a friend for brunch.  Which quickly segued into grabbing drinks, which then, if you know these friends lead to bar hopping.  I shouldn’t have been out.  My allergies were kicking in and I had cancelled dinner I was to have with some friends that night.  Our group grew and slowly people started leaving – and then there were four.  We were sitting at the bar.  I was on the end; body slightly turned talking to my friend to the right of me.  The door was behind me and to my left.  I’ve told this story a few times and it still sounds strange when I get to this part…  I literally felt an energy come into the bar.  I swung around on my stool to my left and started tracking a group of men walking in.  They looked slightly confused and very European.  I was tracking one of them as they walked past the table behind us, turned around and came back.  He still hadn’t looked up – I continued to stare.  They ordered drinks and with his first sip, he looked up in my direction and I smiled.  He smiled back. 

I continued to stare, and smile at him – and mouthed, “You’re beautiful!”

[First things first – those of you who know me well know that this is something completely out of character for me.  When I’m with my friends, I’m the type who is WITH them.  I don’t care what’s going on around me and have said, if I ever met a guy worth dating at a bar, it would be because he noticed me having fun with my friends and said something to me.  Second of all, what cheese ball mouths, “you’re beautiful” to a stranger??]

He continued to smile the most amazing smile I’ve ever seen – and started walking towards me.  He asked me what I had said… to which I confidentially replied, “Oh, I just said, you’re beautiful and I love you!”  He laughed, and told me his name was Devin and that he should know my name if I loved him.  He joined his friends.  I turned and talked to Brian again.  Though, for the life of me, I can’t tell you what I said to him.

The guys decided we were leaving – I walked back to Devin’s table and told him my friends had decided to leave, but he should have my phone number.  He took it.  We left. 

[I rarely give my number to guys – and certainly not one who I hadn’t been talking to for awhile]

Once at the next bar, I received a text from Liana asking where I was.  My response, clearly a drunk one, but completely aware of what was happening read: “I just met my knight in accent hour”.  I can only deduce I meant… “Knight in Shining Armor.”  After I sent that text, and before I had a sip of my drink, I got a text from Devin… “Where are you?  I wouldn’t mind looking into your beautiful eyes again! 

Beautiful…aka Devin.”

I told him where we were at, he told me to stay put he was on his way – I don’t think we were gone even 15 minutes.  I waited outside, he walked up… I grabbed his hand and headed west on Sixth Street. 

[I am not an affectionate person – and physical touch is probably the love language I’m least “fluent” in.  This has been the fall of many of my relationships in the past. But there I was, holding his hand, like I’ve always held it before, and couldn’t imagine walking down the street without my hand in his]

From the cab ride home, to being in my house, details are a little blurry.  Thankfully Devin had had only three beers that night and filled in the blanks for me.  I remember kissing him and feeling like it was the best kiss of my life.  Around 1230 he told me he had to leave… he didn’t want to leave… but he had to get on the bus back to Fort Hood.  I told him I didn’t want him to leave, couldn’t imagine him leaving and I’d take him anywhere he needed to be the next day.  He put a call into a colleague and then we resumed the kissing.  In the morning, I remember thinking… “I don’t want this to end… I want to stay with him here forever.”  I’ve had my fair share of drunken mistakes and this was not one of them.  I knew it.  I felt it in everything inside of me.  He woke up, pulled me closer and we just lay there.  He kept telling me it was the most amazing night – totally strange, but the best kind of strange he’d ever known.  Like he’s always known me.  Like he’s always been here.

We got up, I made him coffee and we sat together on the sofa waiting for a cab to take up back downtown.  I didn’t want that cab to show up.  Ever.  Apparently neither did he, because we were too busy being with one another we missed the call from the first cab. 

He held my hand in the cab – and chatted with the driver about military life.  I pulled out my phone and took a picture of him – I didn’t know what the future held – but I knew I never wanted to forget his face or the moment I was living in and the feelings I had in that instant.

We got into my car and began our 78-mile journey to Ft. Hood.  I told him I have always said I’d never date military.  And I was done dating younger guys.  And smokers – yuck.  I wouldn’t even kiss them.  He got a good laugh and asked me how it felt to be dropping off a younger, Dutch Airborne who desperately wants to give up smoking off at the military base?  I remember thinking… it couldn’t feel more perfect. 

We talked about everything on that car ride.  He told me he didn’t want to leave, and wished he didn’t have to go back.  He wanted to stay with me for the rest of the weekend.  I told him the ride back would be the worst.  We talked about our families, marriage, babies – and our lives before the moment we met.  He’s almost 26 but has lived more life than most people I know.  He’s served in 3 tours, was on the world barefoot water skiing team, speaks 4 languages fluently and 3 more where he can get by, he was born in Singapore to a Dutch mother and an American father.  He is the perfect match of toughness and sensitivity.  Humor and seriousness.  Honesty.  Integrity. 

My head is swirling silently on the ride there – I want to turn around, and kidnap him.  But know that’s not possible.  With all the logic in me, I want to figure out how to make this not end.  How to make it work.  In my head, I see me in the Netherlands.  With him.  Forever.

We pull up to the gate at Ft. Hood – they take my info – and I just sit there, looking at him.  Not wanting it to end.  We kiss goodbye.  I don’t want to let go, but there’s a military police urging me along. 

This is what it feels like? This is what it feels like to fall in love.  And this is what it feels like to have to say goodbye to the one you love.

On the way home, I texted a few people… “I believe in love at first sight and I think I fell in love.”

I get home, and text him.  Partly in Dutch – hey, If I’m going to live in the Netherlands, I should know some Dutch.  Four texts are exchanged that Sunday. Most of them in Dutch.

To be continued…