I’ve taken a break from writing so I can really take the time to feel the feelings. Of course I was heartbroken, sad, confused and angry. But the more I sat there, with the sound of my heart drowning out the sound of my head, and the thoughts of those around me… I felt something. Something real, something more powerful than me – and something more powerful than my ability to change, predict or sway the future. In the stillness of my heart, I felt a message wash over me: “It’s not over – this isn’t the end.”
Of course, something like this has no logic whatsoever, so my head is in CONSTANT struggle. I wake up in the middle of the night – cold sweat, with only him on my mind. It’s silly how the craziest thoughts can creep into your head… particularly when you take the time to put happy and positive thoughts into your head before you drift off to sleep. I’m not an over religious person, I’d consider myself more “spiritual”… but I bet this what dealing with the devil is like.
The end of that week was a bit of a rollercoaster. I’d go back in forth between, “what am I thinking,”… “and man, these feelings are too real and too powerful to ignore.” I’d hear the naysayers in my head…”Get over it Anna, it’s not going to be anything. Any more thought about this will only further complicate you moving past this.” Then I’d get a wave of warmness that washed over me, and I could hear him in my head, “Always trust your instinct.”
I felt like I was playing a game of ping pong – on one side my head and on the other, my heart.
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