Investigator - assigned!! Click, click, click, click...

Admittedly, this is the third entry I’m writing in one day – but like I said below, I’ve been busy, and there have been a few things hanging out in the depths of my mind that I thought prudent to acknowledge and release.

Last week the investigator was assigned to my case – that is, assigned to find my biological father. I ignored the incoming call from a “734” area code…who’d be calling me from Ann Arbor? When I finally listening to the message, I was hesitant to call Jennifer back. I’m not sure why. Actually, yes I am. It’s a scary, overwhelming thing. I mean, calling her back means she’s going to be actively searching for this man, right?! Thankfully, Jennifer has probably dealt with a lot of Anna’s…and called me back later in the day.

We talked for about an hour – going over all of the things I said to the first person that took my call. But this time it seemed more real, more relevant. After all, I was speaking to the woman who will probably find my dad. She asked me questions like, “what is your intent in finding your dad?” and “what is your best possible outcome for this?” and “would you be open to meeting him if it can be arranged?” and “have you thought about the possibility of having half-siblings?” Overwhelming right??

She also wanted clarification on a few items…middle name, date of birth, if there was a connection with the State of California…other important things like that. After I ended the call with Jennifer I called my mom and my aunt – they were my only two sources of information and the only way I could really help Jennifer do her job.

While my mom’s memory has never put her in competition for “most information contained”… I knew she’d know some things. It’s hard for her, I recognize that – to be asked to recount a relationship with a man whom you both love and loathe simultaneously. Most of what she recollected were things I’d heard in past conversations. I called my Aunt after telling my mom that I love her.

Me: “So Aunt Lori, do you remember if he had any siblings?”

Aunt Lori: “Yes, an older brother, Michael, who lived in California. Your dad used your mom’s phone once to call him.”

Me: “A brother in California, huh?” (mental note to call Jennifer right after this call)

With the eagerness of a kid waiting for Santa to visit, I called Jennifer up. It was 10pm in Michigan. I didn’t care. She answered and was so glad that I called. The information about the brother in California could be useful, as she’s found a birth certificate and a social security number issued to a man with my dad’s name in the State of California.

Jennifer seems like the perfect person to be assigned to work with me. She’s empathetic and understands that this will undoubtedly be an emotional rollercoaster for me. She’s assured me, we do all of this on my time, when I’m ready. And she’s here through the entire process. I have a lot to think about, and process while the search is on – but I’m committed to playing out how this may shake out, so that I can be prepared when the time does come. And yes, I’m convinced it will come. I need to make sure I’m emotionally ready for this ride, beginning to end.

With that…I’m asking you, my friends to actually reach out, and check in with me on this – It’s easy for me to focus on other things that are happier and less stressful, but I know that this is something I truly do want and I’m ready for the rollercoaster!

Words...

Have you ever said something and wish you could take it back? Like immediately? Worse yet, have you said something, forgotten it ever slide past your lips – only to find out days or weeks later that your words hurt someone close to you. Your words made someone question the type of friend you were…. Made them question if you were really a friend at all?

I’m sure we’ve all been there. But for some reason, it doesn’t make this feel any better. While I know my words weren’t intended to be received in the manner they in which they were, I can’t help but feel guilty for not taking better care in how they were delivered. For starters, they probably shouldn’t have been delivered on a holiday weekend, after countless beers had been consumed. I can’t help but to feel sadness that someone I care about was hurt by them . Sure I have no control over what someone does with the information they receive – but I have to wonder if my actions were questionable enough prior to this incident that made addressing that much more difficult.

I just don’t know.

I do know since that conversation has occurred, it’s hung so heavy on my heart – and I can’t help but wonder if it’s left a mark on that friendship. Certainly, I hope it was a merely a “blip on the radar” – two friends, learning how to learning to speak up and teach the other what friendship looks like for them. Two friends getting past the surface friendship, and growing into a more meaningful, real, solid, sometimes raw and uncomfortable but totally worth the effort – friendship.

I hope so.

Unicorn hunting!!

So my last entry was a bit dire, admittedly I was in a strange place. I sat there for a whole weekend. Finally, I reached out – for the support, understanding, encouragement and perspective I needed. I hung out in my head for far too many days, and it was clear I was getting no where – if I was going to go there alone.

There are some people in your life who you know just really get you. Like they get you on this level, that at times, you don’t really get you. They can get you out of your head, out of your story and out of your shit so fast…you wonder why it took so long to connect with them.

The resolution we came to that night:

I have been treating my new lift in Austin, as it was my life in Orange County. I hadn’t gotten a chance to recognize I’d been here for all of two and half months and it would be nearly impossible to build the life I had built over the course of almost 9 years in Southern California. I was so used to having a busy schedule full of different friends and activities, I felt sad, left out and lonely here because I had depended on a few to do the job of what many had been doing.

I’ve been underwhelmed. I’m a busy girl, I like a busy schedule…here in Austin, it was pretty uneventful for the most part. Things here and there…but I didn’t have that comfortable feeling of being overwhelmed.

I thought the friendships I’ve built here would automatically be at the level of understanding as my friends back in California.

I’m an extrovert. I need to feel the energy of people around me – and sitting in my apartment alone wasn’t cutting it!

So with that…I wiped the snot from my nose, put some makeup on, changed my clothes and went to the Bar and Grill down the street from where I live. If it cost me ten bucks for some beers to watch the game with other people around – it was worth the ten bucks for my mental health. Feeling totally recharged and me again, I went to bed that night vowing to do what I needed to do make sure I’m taking care of myself and I’m actively building a life here in Austin.

Needless to say, it’s been a busy, but amazing couple of weeks since that entry below. I’ve attended countless networking events, I’ve applied for part-time and volunteer positions, I’ve tried new things and met new people. I’m really hopeful for the next few weeks. I have this sneaky suspicion good things are on the horizon – I can almost feel their energy now!

Bring it!! I'm soooo ready for you!

What's the opposite of Rainbows and Unicorns...? I'll show you!

It was bound to happen, I suppose. The shiney-ness and the newness diminished in my almost four straight weeks here in Austin. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still an incredible City, one that I’m excited to explore. Something changed in me. It changed at about 8:32 am on Friday morning.

I did NOT want to get out of bed. Mind you, I have been on the strangest of sleep schedules lately – staying up waaaay past my bedtime and then staying in bed until 9 or 10 in the morning. Shocking right? Little miss, up at the crack of dawn sleeping in. I’m betting now, Jen is wondering why this Anna couldn’t be around for the mornings after Hermosa Beach Shenanigans. I digress… Having no desire to get up and get moving, I laid there. And I got about 6 text messages in a row. Bing bong, Bing bong... 4 from Liana, 2 from Misa. I was annoyed – for no real reason. I mean, these are two of my best friends, and I was utterly annoyed that they were texting me. Not because it was in the morning and I didn’t want to get up – more because I just didn’t want to deal with it – it being people.

Liana’s texts basically were asking that I help her out with a few things that she wasn’t going to be able to get done that day. I pulled all the strength I had, and got in the shower. I spent that day being incredibly productive – I got her things accomplished, and got a few things crossed off my list. At the end of the errand adventure, I went back to her place to finish laundry (mine, not her’s…my washing machine is broke). And the moment I stopped, I felt that wave wash right back over me. I felt sad, apathetic, empty and alone. Terry came home, Liana came home and Otto came over. Despite being with three of the people I really love, I felt empty still.

We went to a crawfish boil that night. First I’ll say…crawfish are about the ugliest creatures I’ve laid my eyes on. They look like a giant red cockroach to me – so no, I didn’t eat any. Second I’ll say, there were a lot of fun people there that night – and I sat there completely disinterested in any of it. We went home. And I lost it. Just broke down into tears. The hyperventilating kind. Snot everywhere, so much you can’t breathe. Because I don’t have good cell reception in my apartment, I reached out to a few friends who I was confident could calm me down via text. I’ll let you gather yourself while you laugh at this mental picture of me trying to type on my iphone all while mascara tainted tears crash down my face, and snot is dripping out my nose.

Now let me be clear, I’m not a stranger to these meltdowns – my meltdowns don’t happen often, but when they do, it’s a storm. And therefore leaves a mark. By the end of the night, I figured it was a passing thing – I’d go to sleep and it would be better in the morning.

Well, it wasn’t.

And it still isn’t today. This is three days straight – and I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way, or what I can do to make it stop.

Maybe it’s that the magnitude of my decision to move to Austin is hitting me. Let me rephrase this, maybe it’s the magnitude of literally picking up my life and starting over. Having to build friendships, professional contacts and a support system in a new state 1000’s of miles from any other state I’ve lived in. I mean, I had an amazing life back in So. Cal…and I walked away from it. Now that I’ve had time to think about this, it’s really freaking me out.

Maybe it’s because the friendships I’ve built in California don’t seem as strong, or connected as the ones I’ve made here. Yes, I realize I’ve been here for a little over two months, and I shouldn’t expect to TA-DA!! Have exactly what I had back there. Yes, I feel blessed to have the people in my life here…now. I mean, my goodness, this meltdown would have likely happened much sooner and with much more force if it wasn’t for them.

Maybe it’s because I’m working from home, to build Shore Break…and I live alone…and when 6 o’clock comes around, all of my working friends are tired…and little miss extrovert is left to be alone for whole days at a time. Talking to no one, but a cat, who’s interests are: eating, sleeping, biting my toes and sleeping.

Maybe it’s because I have always judged my worth on the things I do and get done – and going to Costco just doesn’t rank as high as getting projects approved. So I’m left to feel empty in what I’ve done and how I’ve spent my days.

Maybe it’s because I crave structure and having a whole day to do everything doesn’t really require it.

Maybe I don’t have enough to do.

Maybe I’m not being challenged – or I’m not learning.

Maybe because I don’t have cable, and I’m bored, and I’m really not Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Maybe because I see everyone around me getting married, having babies and being happy, and I want me a piece of that – but that silly eharmony boy who said he had a great time and wanted to hang out again … never called – and that immediately takes me to the place where NO boy will ever call me. EVER! (I know this is ridiculous, but seriously, that’s where my head goes…)

Maybe I’m overwhelmed with everything I have to do, or could do…to grow Shore Break and to find some clients.

Maybe it’s because vodka made me hurt my foot and I haven’t been able to run in 10 days. And running has this incredible power of connecting me to the world around me, and clearing my thoughts.

Maybe I’ve paid off too many bills, and my life seems manageable, my Mendoza line shifted, and the Universe is throwing me this curve-ball to make me think it’s NOT manageable.

Or maybe the heat and humidity just gets to me and puts me in a funk. I don’t know what it is, but frankly I’m over it. I refuse to sit in this awkward and completely uncomfortable place – but I’m not sure if it’s a passing weekend funk, or if something truly needs to be addressed.

Direct me back to the place of ambition, courage, happiness, zest for life, laughter and motivation. Take me back to the rainbows, puppy dogs, butterflies and unicorns…

(ps, thank you to those of you who have been been trying to get me to a unicorn farm the last few days!! I appreicate your friendship, love and support!)

Shredded Papers...

Sometimes there are thoughts in my head, and I’m left wondering why they’re there. Pages which you’ve turned, chapters which you’ve ended – and it just sorta pops up and hangs out for a time. I’m not sure why, but I’m always curious of it. I’m one of those people who try to always reach out when someone is on my mind. I remember one time I heard Adam Ant sing “Wonderful”…and I called Sarah. I told her I wasn’t sure why I was calling, but I heard that song and it made me think of her. Sarah told me that that particular day was her brother’s birthday – “Wonderful” was played at Jason’s funeral 2 years earlier.

I’m not sure why, but I’m not really inclined to reach out to Meryl.

Over the last couple of months, I’d call myself a scholar of men. Having an incredible opportunity, I was able to attend a workshop suggested to me by a therapist who thought it’d help me understand men better. He thought, because I never had a constant male influence in my life, that I really had no basis of understanding them – so I’d make up how I thought they should be, and then be disappointed when they weren’t that way. So true. And I will attest to the viciousness of this cycle. So I went to the workshop. My world was rocked. I signed up for the next one, believing that this particular one would help me with my intimacy issues with men (ps, intimacy does not equal sex…it does equal being vulnerable. To date, I have never ever allowed myself to get close to any one man wholly. That poses a problem when you’d like to get married and have babies…). I took the course. Again, my world was rocked. In that particular course, I did a lot of forgiving – of myself, of my dad who wasn’t there, of George who wasn’t really there either, of men who’ve hurt me, men whom I’ve chased and men who’ve just not been there.

We wrote down all those who we knew we needed to forgive and to let go of, and in a bold move after articulating the forgiveness, those papers were ripped up and thrown away. Meryl was one of those whom I forgave – I saw my part. I saw how my actions, determined his actions – how his determined mine – and looking back, I see that it was never, ever what I thought it was. His name was ripped up and thrown away. Yet, he’s image is hanging out in my mind. Maybe I need to write his name again, rip it up and throw it away. Maybe by letting him hang out, I’m letting those moments, that friendship and that relationship determine my future.

In my heart, I know he was a piece of the story – probably not even a whole chapter, and DEFINTIELY not the whole book. Ok, so I’m writing his (real) name down now – did you really think I’d have someone named Meryl in my life?? And I’m ripping it up, throwing it away…and then taking the trash to the trash compactor outside. I know he’s having a happy life, and I deserve for those moments to be memories – memories which got me to where I am, but will not hold me back from where I’m going.

Try it...it's pretty powerful - articulate it out loud...then shred the crap out of it...and toss it!