Dreams; My stepping stone to real life...

The other night I had a really bizarre dream. Yes, I did take melatonin, and I’ve come to expect really strange and lucid dreams when I take it. But this dream took the prize for the most shocking. I dreamt of a man I’ve never met. No, no, it wasn’t some guy I’ve been crafting in my head to court me, and with whom I can ride off into the sunset on an elephant? (Did you really think I’d be on a white horse? I’d rather ride on a giraffe or a zebra, but they for some reason seem less, sturdy… I digress). The man I dreamt of was my father. It’s no secret to most of you who’d actually take the time out of your day and your busy lives to read my ramblings and musing – I’ve never met my biological father. Ever.

I once heard someone say that speaking of your dreams is never really relevant to whom you’re speaking to. But because this dream was so relevant to me, I’m telling you…without regard to if it’s really relevant to you. My apologies. In this dream I was at a pharmacy – though it sorta resembled a deli counter – I was waiting for the pharmacist (or sandwich maker) to get me my goods when this man walked up. Immediately I recognized him and found myself paralyzed with feelings of fear, anxiety and excitement. He approached the pharmacist and asked for his medicine. She asked his name, he said Sean. I knew it was him. She handed him a bag, he removed the contents, lifted up his shirt and stabbed himself with something – and left. Left before I could say anything. I wanted to ask the lady what his last name was, to really make sure before I started following him, but those damn privacy practice guidelines stopped me. Before I knew it, he was gone, and I’m not sure I ever got what I was waiting at the deli counter for.

When I woke up, I remember thinking, “Whoa, that was really, REAL!! How could I possibly recognize him if I haven’t met him? And what was he stabbing himself with?”

Sure I’ve toyed with the idea of finding him since I was about 18. Back then my intent was to make him realize I’m his, and as such, it is equally his duty, as it was my mom’s to help me through college. Using this new thing, the internet, I did some looking. And did some cold calling. It was down right scary. I mean think about it, you’re blindly calling people and suggesting that the person on the other end may be your father?! Awkward.

Since then, I have loosely pursued my search, but never with too much determination. My boldest move to date was when I sought out a Private Investigator company a couple of years ago. Their search came up empty. I wasn’t really concerned.

One thing I’ve come to realize about people is that when things happen in their own time, the outcome is better; they’re happier. (This realization in no way let’s my ex-boyfriend off the hook for continuing to watch TV when I had politely asked him to take out the trash.) Another thing I’ve realized is that if you take the time to look around you, I’m sure you’ll see that the people in your life are not there by accident or coincidence. The world has a perfect way of operating – and the people in our lives are no exception to that. For instance, I know a LOT of only children, and strangely… I have a few friends, who like me have never met their biological fathers.

A few months back, one of my dear friends started her search for her biological father. I can completely and totally relate to finding the right timing in yourself, and mustering up the courage and bravery for such an act, obviously. My friend was able to track down the man she’d never met – but she got there a little too late. Her father had committed suicide weeks before. My heart broke for her – to be so close to understanding yourself, your heritage and your past, only to come up empty. She was able to meet some relatives, and was able to get closure in that regard – but her advice to me, “do it before it’s too late.”

Maybe that’s been lingering in my subconscious. Or maybe the time is really right for me now. I’m at a place that I can actually have the courage to search him, and the bravery to meet him. Whatever the case, I finally have committed to the search. I got a lead from good ‘ol Troy Dunn (the Locator) on an agency he endorses and I gave them a call. The woman who took my call was so amazing – I told her I didn’t know much about him. And with this calmness and empathetic tone she asked me to go through all of the things I did know. “This is great, Anna. You have a lot of really great information.” She asked me what my intent was in finding him – I felt like on the other end of the phone was some who really cared. Jill, that’s her name, indicated that the agency doesn’t take on cases that they don’t think they track down the other party, and that she had confidence that with the information I had, they could. With that, she sent me a contract and I gave her my credit card information.

Sometime around June 8th, an investigator will be assigned to my case. Jill told me that they have a 99% success rate of tracking people down – and let me know that the possibility of finding my dad is pretty good. For a second that set my mind at ease - $695 dollars well spent. And then, I went right back to fear. What if he doesn’t want to meet me and if he does…what on earth will I say?

It’s a big deal here in Anna-land, so I thought I was important to share. I’ll keep y’all posted! In the meantime, if you’re beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be…or where your parents, friends, partners are suggesting you be – STOP. You’re where you are for a reason; there is a lesson to be learned or a lesson given away. Cherish the moment, and be kind enough to let yourself know that you’ll get there when you’re supposed to get there.

Anyone seen this man?? I'm lookin' for him!!