Getting together with my beautiful cousins, Jessica, Krystal and Lindsey, while I’m home has become a bit of a tradition. Traditions which I’m so grateful for, as these girls, are the ones in my family whom I feel closest to. Sure, I’m older than all of them; almost 10 years separate Lindz and I. I changed her and Krystal’s diapers back in the day. But, our relationship is this amazing mix of friendship, family and sisterhood. We laugh, we gossip, we talk about boys and our futures. I know that all three of them look up to me in some capacity; all of our family knows that. I don’t think that they know how much I actually admire each of them – for their drive, their motivation, for their tenacity and for their vision to change the things they know, the things which are familiar to the things which they truly desire. For their ability to chase each of their dreams.
While I was home in Michigan this last time, the four of us got together. Just the four of us, without boyfriends, without husbands. True to the form of every woman I know on this planet, the conversation quickly turned from what we were doing, to the men in our lives. I sat there loathing where we were going. Sure, I have men in my life…but none which were awesome enough to bring up to my sisters, my family. The three of them went on and on about how awesome my life is, and how jealous they are for the things I can do; go to see 8 Dave Matthews shows in 12 days, travel the world, get to ride my bike and run in the sunshine, and enjoy my freedom.
In that conversation I became sad. Sad that I didn’t always appreciate the opportunities I have been afforded in my life. Sure, I’m older than them, have graduated college and make a good living for myself…I should be living a life that makes me happy…one that I can financially afford. The sadness also arose from the longing to have what they have, a boyfriend, a husband…hell, I’d be happy with a guy who appreciated me and took active measures to hang out with me.
I began to wonder if anyone is every truly happy with their lives. Or if the grass is always greener on the other side. They long for the freedom, adventure and fun in my life while I long for the stability, comfort and affection in theirs.
Later that week I found myself sitting at a kitchen table with my mom, my aunt and my cousin Kim, we weren’t talking about anything in particular and out of no where my aunt said something about…”when you get married and have kids…” That’s when I lost it. I certifiably lost it on my family. As the emotion rose up to my face I remember saying something about how frustrating it was that every time I was home, someone had to bring up the fact that I’m not married and I don’t have kids. I got it folks, I’m completely aware of the things which I do not have in my life, I don’t need reminders. I continued on with a line about being happy with my life, very happy. I’m happy with the things I’ve done, and get to do. And that I’m ok with NOT being married and not having kids right now. Kim interrupted with, “yea, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen.” I reminded them “that it MAY not happen at all” and that they needed to be ok with that too.
I immediately regretted losing my cool with them. But I think that conversation honestly freed me. Freed me from the pressure that whether real or implied my family, my friends, and the rest of the world had on my shoulders. It was in that moment I truly appreciated my life. And that I was ok with waiting for the next chapter, knowing that when it happens, that’s when it’s supposed to happen. I want the real thing, I don’t want a “maybe this could work” or… “if I do this and he does that…we could make it work” thing. I want the One who makes being with him a joy; makes my moments with him filled with compassion, laughter, friendship, support and love.
As time passes, this lesson and this moment can dim ever so slightly…and I find myself making compromises with myself. And as if the world knows that’s the place I’m in, it sends me reminders. Reminders like that couple who sat next to me at the hockey game. Who held hands all three periods, who laughed with one another and looked into each others eyes as they spoke. I told them I thought they were adorable, and asked how long they’d been married. Five years seemed like a short time for the gray hair they both had. The woman looked me in the eyes and said, “it’s worth waiting for. I promise you. I can’t imagine my life without him in it, and I’m grateful that I waited for him to come into my life.”
Thank you, Cute Couple. You gave me the reminder I needed. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the moments, opportunities and life which I’ve been given, and which I have chased down with the passions in my heart.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
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