Changes

Have you ever looked at yourself and your life and thought…”whoa, how did I get here? How did I become THIS person?” I’ve remembered thinking that as I rub my hands together, in exactly the way my mom has always done. Upon my return back to the States from Cape Town, I remember sitting in my closet, “thinking how on earth did I get here??” Not literally in the closet, of course…but here in my life. My life is nearly 178 degrees different from the life I had back on August 17th, the day *before* I was laid off from Red Mountain.

Once a planful, methodical, logical thinker and calculated risk taker, I’m now finding myself in this spontaneous, follow your heart, live the life YOU want…not the one which THEY want sort of person.

I literally sold most all of my belongings. Ok, ok, I obviously kept the really good stuff like the 50” Plasma, my clothes, my Ipod and Bose soundstage and my amazing Calpholan pans. It was a strange process, seeing your things, the things you’ve worked hard to obtain just get walked out the door in the hands of strangers. (p.s. I love Craigslist for providing the means for this to occur) Just like that, I felt a little bit freer. Free from the grips of the world. Free to enjoy this journey.

I also, moved in with my amazing friends, Alex and Berenice. This was no easy feat, since I’ve always prided myself on being this independent, I can do it all myself sort of person. And here I am, living in a guest room turned, Anna room with very little things to remind me of the life I just had. Almost daily, I get asked if I’ll be “home for dinner”…as cheesy as it sounded at first, you’re asking a 30-year old grown woman if she’ll be home for dinner, like I was 15 again…I found the love in it. It feels good to be a part of something bigger than just myself. To be a part of a family.

Probably hardest of all, was packing up all of Stella’s things and driving her up to Michelle’s house. Tears welled up in my eyes as I merged onto the 405 North, I decided to stop holding them back. To cry. To sob uncontrollably at the thought of saying goodbye to the one constant in my life for the last five years. Sure I knew that she’d be in good hands. I knew Michelle would love her, as I do. I thought back to all of the moments I’d had with Stella in the last five years, the break-ups and heartbreak over saying goodbye to boyfriends and friends in my life. To the high points of moving into my apartment in Irvine. To my family visiting. To all of the naps we’d take, her snuggled into my armpit. She got me. She knew when I was sad, and let me know in her own feline way that it was going to be ok, and that she loved me. I’m only recently starting to sleep somewhat normally, some say it was jetlag, I honestly believe it’s because Stella hasn’t been there.

So those three are the super obvious changes. Slowly I’m starting to realize the little changes I’ve made in my life and in myself. I think this freeing, this world I live in now that has little to no stress, has freed me to think in ways I’m not really wired to think in.

I’ve found myself really valuing the people around me. Being genuinely thankful for their presence in my life. Not that I wasn’t always appreciative of them… I just find myself being more aware of the good people in my life. And with that, I’m less inclined to tolerate the people who aren’t giving me exactly what I’d give them. At the end of the day, I want to be surrounded by like-minded people. I don’t have time for sometimes-friends, because I have too many always-friends. And those are the people who I want to spend my time with.

When an invitation to go to Cape Town was presented, by a friend who I’d say, I wasn’t REALLY that close with. I threw caution to the wind and accepted. Sure, I didn’t know if I’d have enough money or if we’d be good traveling partners. I trusted my gut. And my gut said GO. I couldn’t have asked for a better group to travel with. I couldn’t have asked for a more amazing experience. I had no idea what I’d see there, usually my trip were planned out with itineraries. I sat back, and enjoyed the ride this time, and walked away with some amazing new friends and a stronger relationship with Chase.

I’m finding that I can now take a leap of faith, instead of overwhelming myself with the pros and cons of a situation. Sure I know the consequences of this particular leap. But the rewards seem like a likely outcome too. I’ve never been much of a gambler. But I gambled a little this week. Figuratively, of course! More on that in a future post. J

Likely there are other isms that have changed in me over the course of the last 4 months, but I thought these were worthy of being noted. It’s been an incredible ride so far. True story!!