Finding Home.

The last 5 months have proven to be the most challenging of my life – not because my heart had been broken, or someone had passed away, but because of the pressures in my life.  Hindsight is always 20/20 is what they say – in my rear view mirror I realize, only now, that those pressures were completely brought on by me.  I was in a position to do more, be more – but no one had asked that of me.  I rose to the occasion – I rose to someone else’s occasion by putting myself, my health and happiness behind that of someone else’s. 

I can see now, that my energies were misplaced.  I was living (and working for) someone else’s dreams – and their successes.  Often in those 5 months, I thought, “why can’t they see that without doing x, y and z  this is going to fall – fail.”  I worked crazy hours.  I rarely worked out.  I ate whatever I could find – as long as it was quick.  I went to bed late – only to wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety.  I experienced panic attacks – and I assure you this is probably the scariest thing ever – the (perceived) inability to control the thoughts you have and your reactions can be completely paralyzing and scary as hell.

Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, or because I grew up with a single mom, or because I am fiercely independent – but I was doing it alone.  I was giving and giving and it was gone.  I broke.  Tears.  Confusion.  Frustration.  I was prescribed anti-depressants.  How could I get to this point?  How did I need help?  How did I get to this point that I needed western medicine to step in and help me get through it? 

I’m not one to say I need help – need to be taken care of – but the universe always puts into your life exactly what you need, when you need it.  Friendships changed, grew, died, evolved and began in those last 5 months.  I found again those who care, at a deeper level.  Hugs were received from those whom have left a mark on my heart.  It was those hugs, those hugs that are so magnetic you don’t want to let go – that carried me through the last five months.  It was the realization that whether or not I’m happy, sad, successful, scared or angry – I’ve got people in my life that not only are ok with authentic and vulnerable Anna – that’s the me that they wish to see.  

Those pink pills probably saved me a little in those last two months.  Leveled me out.  I was able to cope with and manage the pressures, obligations and responsibilities (most of which are self-inflicted).  Through it all, I took mini vacations – to have something to look forward to – to not dwell in the unhappiness that was my present.  But through it all – all I wanted was to just go home.  Go home and have someone take care of me.   In these five months, home has been my dog’s smile, been each and every one of my neighbors, been beers in New Orleans and Portland and been pool parties in Vegas.  But sometimes you just need to go home.  Like really home. 

Back in February of 2002 I left home – my journey led to Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Simi Valley, back to Michigan – back to California to Orange County and eventually to Austin.  In those 11 years I have visited 3 continents other than the one I live on.  I’ve visited Washington, Oregon, Nevada, Hawaii, Montana, New Mexico, Arizona, Georgia, Illinois, DC, Virginia, Minnesota, Florida, Pennsylvania, Louisiana and Michigan – 7 of those states were in the last 4 months.  It’d been 14 months since I’ve been back to Michigan.  And it was this week that I realized that 14 months is far too long to be connected with your roots and where your soul was born.

I found me again this week.  I found me on a jetski with the wind whipping my hair so hard it stung my face.  I found me on the back of a boat, singing with my best friend.  I found me getting pedicures with two of the most amazing little girls in my life.  I found me back at Lake Michigan, Big Red in the distance; book in my hands, waves slowly rolling in.  I found me wondering how the hell those trees at my parents place got so damn tall.  I found me running around a lake, having not checked my email in days.  I found me again.

Thank you to all of you have been there for me through all of this.  Thank you for listening and letting me get back to this place in a way would only make sense for me.  Thank you for letting me be authentically me – even if I wasn’t happy with where I was at.  Thank you for your hugs, love and friendship. 

This trip home was exactly what my soul needed.