Numerous times in the last few weeks, I’ve felt compelled to
write, to acknowledge my progess, to free my thoughts from the depths of my
mind, but most of all I felt compelled to write to celebrate how far I’ve come
in the last year plus.
I moved to Arizona, partly on a whim but mostly on an
internal pull – I was listening to
the little voice in my head and in my heart. My decision was sprinkled with logic, as most of my big
decisions are – but this is one decision that has taken a long time to feel right. Last year at this time I was in the
darkest place I’ve known in my adult life. I’d moved away from a City I love and friends I adore, and I
ended up in the desert – and my heart had no explanation for the why of it
all. I felt like I was forcing it to
work – I remember my friend, Kelly, telling me it was ok to come home if that’s
what I needed. He told me, “No one
will think any less of you, no one will think you’ve failed if you come back to
Austin.” I think that’s the part
that scared me the most – last year, at exactly this time, I felt like I was
failing. Failing hard. Failing in just about every aspect of
my life that brought me joy.
It was really the perfect storm of unhappiness, when I look
back at it. They say that Men,
Friends, Money and Career are the biggest stressors – I had it all. The boy and I were on at least a thrice
weekly fight schedule, it seemed.
The times we were happy together were far outnumbered the times by the
times that we upset. The only
friends I had been able to truly connect with in the time from December until
that June had all moved. This
extroverted girl who speaks the love language of quality time, was lonely. Money – I had none. I didn’t realize it then, but last year
my income tax returns show less income than what I made when I was 22 and just
moved to Santa Monica. I made half
of that amount from January to the middle of November. I made the other half in the last half
of that annual amount in the last 6 weeks of the year. Career – this is the department I felt
most hopeless in. I tried for
months to find a job, a big girl job.
I was willing to throw in the towel and give up my dream of working for
myself if it meant I had a stability and predictability. It was hot. No, really – it’ is hotasfuck here in the summer. I get seasonal depression because I’m
never outside – for fear that my skin will melt off. I’m cranky. I
seriously can’t stand being hot.
October 31st is when it all came crashing down on
me. I wanted to run home. Not that I wanted to be home. I just wanted the safety of home. I just needed a hug.
November 1st, I decided I was going to change my
perspective. I needed to accept
the reasons that I was pulled to Arizona.
I needed to own my time here.
And I needed to change my attitude. And focus on the good.
The potential. The
possibilities. I started
meditating.
That’s the day that everything in my world changed. So when I look back at the last year
and how different it is now from what it is then… it’s really been since
November 1st.
Read Part 2 here at www.theLAURIgroup.com
