Tuesday, June 30, 2015

In the last year... Part !

Numerous times in the last few weeks, I’ve felt compelled to write, to acknowledge my progess, to free my thoughts from the depths of my mind, but most of all I felt compelled to write to celebrate how far I’ve come in the last year plus. 

I moved to Arizona, partly on a whim but mostly on an internal pull –  I was listening to the little voice in my head and in my heart.  My decision was sprinkled with logic, as most of my big decisions are – but this is one decision that has taken a long time to feel right.  Last year at this time I was in the darkest place I’ve known in my adult life.  I’d moved away from a City I love and friends I adore, and I ended up in the desert – and my heart had no explanation for the why of it all.  I felt like I was forcing it to work – I remember my friend, Kelly, telling me it was ok to come home if that’s what I needed.  He told me, “No one will think any less of you, no one will think you’ve failed if you come back to Austin.”  I think that’s the part that scared me the most – last year, at exactly this time, I felt like I was failing.  Failing hard.  Failing in just about every aspect of my life that brought me joy. 

It was really the perfect storm of unhappiness, when I look back at it.  They say that Men, Friends, Money and Career are the biggest stressors – I had it all.  The boy and I were on at least a thrice weekly fight schedule, it seemed.  The times we were happy together were far outnumbered the times by the times that we upset.  The only friends I had been able to truly connect with in the time from December until that June had all moved.  This extroverted girl who speaks the love language of quality time, was lonely.  Money – I had none.  I didn’t realize it then, but last year my income tax returns show less income than what I made when I was 22 and just moved to Santa Monica.  I made half of that amount from January to the middle of November.  I made the other half in the last half of that annual amount in the last 6 weeks of the year.  Career – this is the department I felt most hopeless in.  I tried for months to find a job, a big girl job.  I was willing to throw in the towel and give up my dream of working for myself if it meant I had a stability and predictability.  It was hot.  No, really – it’ is hotasfuck here in the summer.  I get seasonal depression because I’m never outside – for fear that my skin will melt off.  I’m cranky.  I seriously can’t stand being hot. 

October 31st is when it all came crashing down on me.  I wanted to run home.  Not that I wanted to be home.  I just wanted the safety of home.  I just needed a hug. 

November 1st, I decided I was going to change my perspective.  I needed to accept the reasons that I was pulled to Arizona.  I needed to own my time here.  And I needed to change my attitude.  And focus on the good.  The potential.  The possibilities.  I started meditating. 
That’s the day that everything in my world changed.  So when I look back at the last year and how different it is now from what it is then… it’s really been since November 1st. 

Read Part 2 here at www.theLAURIgroup.com



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