In the last year... Part !

Numerous times in the last few weeks, I’ve felt compelled to write, to acknowledge my progess, to free my thoughts from the depths of my mind, but most of all I felt compelled to write to celebrate how far I’ve come in the last year plus. 

I moved to Arizona, partly on a whim but mostly on an internal pull –  I was listening to the little voice in my head and in my heart.  My decision was sprinkled with logic, as most of my big decisions are – but this is one decision that has taken a long time to feel right.  Last year at this time I was in the darkest place I’ve known in my adult life.  I’d moved away from a City I love and friends I adore, and I ended up in the desert – and my heart had no explanation for the why of it all.  I felt like I was forcing it to work – I remember my friend, Kelly, telling me it was ok to come home if that’s what I needed.  He told me, “No one will think any less of you, no one will think you’ve failed if you come back to Austin.”  I think that’s the part that scared me the most – last year, at exactly this time, I felt like I was failing.  Failing hard.  Failing in just about every aspect of my life that brought me joy. 

It was really the perfect storm of unhappiness, when I look back at it.  They say that Men, Friends, Money and Career are the biggest stressors – I had it all.  The boy and I were on at least a thrice weekly fight schedule, it seemed.  The times we were happy together were far outnumbered the times by the times that we upset.  The only friends I had been able to truly connect with in the time from December until that June had all moved.  This extroverted girl who speaks the love language of quality time, was lonely.  Money – I had none.  I didn’t realize it then, but last year my income tax returns show less income than what I made when I was 22 and just moved to Santa Monica.  I made half of that amount from January to the middle of November.  I made the other half in the last half of that annual amount in the last 6 weeks of the year.  Career – this is the department I felt most hopeless in.  I tried for months to find a job, a big girl job.  I was willing to throw in the towel and give up my dream of working for myself if it meant I had a stability and predictability.  It was hot.  No, really – it’ is hotasfuck here in the summer.  I get seasonal depression because I’m never outside – for fear that my skin will melt off.  I’m cranky.  I seriously can’t stand being hot. 

October 31^st is when it all came crashing down on me.  I wanted to run home.  Not that I wanted to be home.  I just wanted the safety of home.  I just needed a hug. 

November 1^st, I decided I was going to change my perspective.  I needed to accept the reasons that I was pulled to Arizona.  I needed to own my time here.  And I needed to change my attitude.  And focus on the good.  The potential.  The possibilities.  I started meditating. 

That’s the day that everything in my world changed.  So when I look back at the last year and how different it is now from what it is then… it’s really been since November 1^st. 

Read Part 2 here at www.theLAURIgroup.com

It started as a necessity.

Everyone who’s ever mustered the courage to swim upstream or go against the grain, know that paving yourself a trail that serves your happiness and your joy isn’t easy.  It’s anything but.  It’s scary as hell.  It’s lonely.  And it feels like the Universe is pinching every nerve in your body. 

I don’t remember a time that I was so broke – but had this trust that everything was going to be ok.  This too was part of the lesson, I knew that.  Do I throw in the towel, when I can see the emergence of that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel?  Or do I chose to ignore the voices, the self doubt and the nearly empty checking account …close my eyes and just run in the direction of the light? 

I have to remind myself nearly every day, that the path I’ve chosen is what my heart wants and what will truly bring me the joy I’ve searched for until now.  I remind myself, that my dreams are more important to my life’s happiness than a big fat paycheck right now.  I’m making my way – in any way possible.  Jay-Z said he’s a hustla… and damnit, so am I. 

Three months ago, I bit the bullet and listed my spare room on AirBnb to get some extra money, you know… while I continue to trudge against the flow of traffic.  Please keep in mind, this spare room is something I’m proud of – it’s a place where my friends can crash if, hypothetically speaking… too much wine is consumed.  It’s a place where my friends and family from out-of-town and, most likely, out-of-state can have a space of their own – in this space I’ve come to love so much.  Since January, this space has been a space where people whom I’ve never met, drop their things, and become a part of my space, my story and my heart.

Their reasons for coming to Phoenix very as much as their ages, backgrounds, interests and hometowns…and countries.  But each of them has left a mark on my heart.  With them I have hiked, watched live-music, shared meals and wines while we shared our lives.  They’ve left me well wishing notes with a coffee, knowing I’d be up late and studying for an exam.  They’ve balanced my chakras and walked my dog.  They’ve snuggled with my cat, while I was away.  They’ve met my friends and they’ve met my neighbors.  They’ve left me a crystal, which helps to balance you in “times of transformation.” They’ve left me notes, wine and chocolate. 

With every thread in my being, I know that each of them has chosen my guest room, in this adorable house, in this charming neighborhood with both a cat and dog as permanent residents because our paths were meant to cross.  And our stories meant to be shared for those moments and beyond. 

My heart is more full because of the time each of them has shared with me.  The walls of my house and the space between share that joy and love.  I know there will come a time when I don’t financially need to invite strangers to stay with me – but I hope that my heart and my soul never tires of moments like these.

For the Wanderers, Travelers and Gypsies

In the last couple of weeks there have been a couple blog posts that have went viral on the interwebs – they struck a chord in me, because the words resonated at the core of who I am.  I related to the subject of their writings - she could have been me.  (As a point of reference, in case you want to read those blogs…the first was:  “Don’t Date a Girl who Travels.”  The second, which I think was meant to be response first, but in my opinion is nearly the same, with a positive spin on this girl, titled:  “Do Date a Girl who Travels.”)  While both of these caused me to reflect, I’ve now begun recognize and accept that I was very much the girl they were describing in their posts and there isn’t anything wrong with that. 

A few months ago marked the end of what has been a valley in my life.  I ended my time at a job that sucked the life, the passion and the happiness from me – that injected a world of anxiety, sleepless nights, medicated days and negativity.  I allowed myself to lose sight of who I am.  Someone else’s dreams shadowed my own.  I did what was “right” instead of what I wanted.  Then a suit came in, decided I needed to be out and gave me the greatest gift of 2013, my freedom. 

I think a lot of people in my life were taken aback by my decision to leave Austin and move to Phoenix – I’ve loved Austin.  I love its culture, food, people, the trees, the trails, its eclectic-ness and weirdness. I think those who’ve thought of me when they read either of the two blogs I mentioned, weren’t surprised by my decision at all.  I think they saw something long before I did – they saw me stagnant and stifled.

Phoenix has been home for nearly two months; I meet new people nearly every day.  And every time they ask me, “what brought you to Phoenix?” or “Did you move here for a job?”  Generally they’re confused when my reply is simply, “there’s really no good reason, other than, it was a good time to for a change.”  It still feels weird to say, because there isn’t a whole lot of logic to it.  But I’ve come to realize that not everything needs to make sense to those around you - it needs to make sense to you.  And sometimes you just have to trust that your heart is leading you in the direction you’re meant to go…and often means you need to quiet the voice of your head, the logical one. 

There’s really no good reason why I’m here, other than it was a good time for a change AND I’m happy here.  I feel like a new life has been inhaled.  A life that accepts and cherishes the adventurer, wander, explorer and gypsy within me.  There is a content-ness in my soul as I walk down the path less traveled and take risks and meet new people. I’ve realized that in the past when I’ve been unhappy it’s because I have stifled this part of me.  I’ve told myself (because others have told me) that I should be making X amount… or… I should own a house… or I should be setting down roots…or be married and by now, I definitely SHOULD have kids. 

I’m happy because I finally stopped believing any of that.  I’m happy to embrace the uncertainty of the adventure and the possibilities in the path ahead of me.  I’m happy that my roots aren’t confined to one zip code, but are allowed to span the entire earth.

I’m content knowing that there’s nothing wrong with being a wanderer or an explorer – it’s when you believe THERE IS something wrong with it that you lose sight of who you are meant to be. I’m content knowing that wherever I am, is exactly where I should be.*

“So never date a girl who travels unless you can keep up with her. And if you unintentionally fall in love with one, don’t you dare keep her. Let her go.” - @adizarsadias

Thank you to those of you who’ve let me go and accepted who I am.  Your friendship, love and kindred spirits have inspired and supported me through this transition and the ones before.

*I’m also happy that where I was, was not a part of the “Polar Vortex” – because y’all looked really cold with all of that ice, snow and arctic level wind chills. 

2013 - Favorite Shows

Looking back... I can tell I it'd been a over a year since my friend and fellow music lover, Pastor Bock passed away.  I can also see how much my job and my stress levels prohibited me from branching out from my go-tos.  But there were some epic shows in my 2013...shared with some pretty incredible people.  The ones in bold are my top 10.  Boom!

The XX; Austin, ACL-Live, with Kelly and Angie

Billy Joel; New Orleans, JazzFest w/ Misa

Dave Matthews Band; New Orleans, JazzFest w/ Misa 

Atlas Genius with The Neighbourhood; Austin, Emo's w/ Aaron

Milo Greene; Austin, The Parish w/ Nicole

Pearl Jam; Chicago, Wrigley Field (first set) w/ Nicole & Owen

Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z; Chicago, Soldier Field w/ Nicole

Public Enemy and Ice Cube; Austin, Stubbs w/ Aaron

DMB; Austin, 360 w/ Kelly, Kim, Jane, Aaron, Mandy, Jaime, Amber and Lolo

DMB; Irvine, Meadows w/ Holly, Jen, Diane, Sven, King, Garret and Maya

Phoenix; Austin, ACL-Live w/ Kelly and Uma

Muse; Austin, ACL with Matt & Mike

Queens of the Stone Age; Austin, ACL with Nicole

STS9; Austin, AMH with Kelly, Amber, Dawn and Kim

Kings of Leon; Austin, ACL w/ Nicole

Pearl Jam; Phoenix, Jobing.com Arena w/ Owen

Willie Nelson; Phoenix, Celebrity Theater w/ Ian

2013 - Favorite Memories and Moments

I’m a little late to the game… but I’ve been fighting off some crazy bug that invaded my body.  While a lot of my year had an ugly gray cloud hanging around, it’s not hard for me to remember the happy moments.  The moments that brought light and laughter, those are the moments I want to carry with me.  In the spirit of remembering and honoring some of my favorite memories and moments of 2013…

1.  Meeting wonderful, new neighbors in Phoenix on the Sunday before Christmas and being invited to their family breakfast on Christmas morning. I thought I’d arrived too soon because they were still opening gifts, they then let me know Santa dropped some things off for me too.

2.  Reuniting with my mom, best friend and lifelong family friends at Big Star Lake this summer.  My soul needed that laughter, Oberon and time on the boat. 

3.  UT Football Saturday fun with Kelly, Amber and Lolo – my heart is more full because of you three.

4.  Exploring Portland with Katie – twas the perfect amount of fun, adventure and restful sleeps. 

5.  Being chased by birds and rainstorms in NOLA.  Along with the easy, meaningful and caring conversations I got to have with two people who span 20 years in age difference and whom I both adore so much for the impact they’ve had on my life. 

6.  Vegas – Who is Bobby English Edition:  The last breakfast.  I'm convinced we need a show.

7.  Reuniting with my Gorge crew in California – My soul is forever tied to those friends.  Their laughter.  And our shenanigans. 

8.  Breakfast in bed, because it was too cold to get out from under the covers, served by my boo-friend’s incredible husband.

9.   Girls day with Kamilah and Jasmin – pool time and pedicures.

10.  Any of my evening wine, reality tv and conversations with Nicole.

11.  Hiking Red Rock Canyon with Big Whiskey.

12.  Telling the baby to “sssshhhh” whilst in The Woodlands to see DMB with Kelly.

13.   Walking in to a sold out Pearl Jam show at Wrigley Field.  That’s what a little bit of whiskey and some confidence can get ya in the Windy City. 

14.  Michigan Basketball in the Sweet 16.  Being down with 2 minutes to go, and Trey Burke banging the impossible 3 point shot to tie the game.  Thank you, Ryan for being the only Hoosier in attendance! 

15.  Wine tasting with my girls.

16.   Going away bunch, cocktails and hugs from my favorite Austinites.

17.  Laughing so hard it’s impossible to take a picture during the Kentucky Derby party.

18.   Knowing that people are thinking about you… but being reminded that they care when you get an unexpected card in the mail. 

19.  When I got home that Friday afternoon, squatted down to put Whiskey’s leash on, and she put her front paws on my shoulder and rested her head there.  She knew I needed a hug, and wanted to the first one to give me one. 

20.  My goodbye hug from Kelly.  It was that hug, in that moment, that I knew the decision I was making was right…but it was in that hug that I felt the love that surrounded me in my entire time in Austin.

Thanks for being the light, laughter and love in my life friends... you made a pretty miserable year...fantastic!

A few of my favorite (Austin) things

Dear Austin-

It’s crazy to think four years ago, I was in a similar place back in Orange County.  I embraced the situation and the timing.  I knew something better was on the horizon.  Never did I think it’d be you.  But, I’ve got to say, it’s been an incredible chapter in my journey.   You’ll always have a fond place in my heart and life… and there are so many moments, places and people that I know shaped who I’ve grown to be since our relationship started.  Someone asked me before I left what would be the top five things I would miss most about Austin.  Without further ado…

1.  Town Lake Running trail – never would I have dreamed a dirt trail would provide me so much solace, perspective, happiness and tight IT bands!!  From the moment of awe as I’d cross the pedestrian bridge and see the skyline, to running beneath the tree canopy just past the rowing dock.  Thank you for welcoming both me and my new best friend… and bringing her more joy and happiness.  Without you, she would have never learned…”Keep, right!  Keep RIGHT!  No squirrels!”

2.  There’s only one City in this world where you could see Willie Nelson, Run DMC, Dave Matthews, Green Day, Kendrick Lamar, The XX, Eddie Vedder, Ice Cube and Stevie Wonder all a year – I’m going to miss this about you, Austin.  Your ability to provide live music is directly proportional to the A.D.D. of my musical interests. 

3.  The eclectic-ness of your people is refreshing.  A sense of acceptance of all humanity exudes from your people.  Where else do you get to put all of the most conservativea politicians in the most liberal city in the state… and they get to mingle with pro-choice people, the LGBT community, and a thong wearing bicyclist, artists, musicians and beer bonging co-eds?  Everyone co-exists.  It’s possible people… it really is!

4.  The food.  My god…. The food!!  Before I left Michigan, I’d never eaten a Brussels sprout… now, I can tell you at least three places with bomb.ass Brussels.  My palate and perspective has changed because of the creative culinar-ies roaming these streets. 

5.  The acceptance of (wo)man’s best friend is something truly remarkable about Austin.  It didn’t much matter until Big Whiskey found me… but in a community occupied by a lot of very hard working, single folks… it actually means something that you can leave work late, pick up your pup and still get to meet your friends for drinks.  Everyone gets attention, everyone gets love – everyone is happy.  It seems weird to me that dogs aren’t allowed on ANY patio.  Who’s making these rules?? 

While, I’m writing about my time in Austin… and what I’m taking away from my time there, I think it’s prudent to highlight express gratitude for the a few of those who shaped me in my time in Austin.   

1.  To those really wealthy folks who I nannied for when I first arrived – thank you for showing how being out of line with your personal values will directly effect your internal happiness.  While I never understood your wastefulness of money, material items, and god-given gifts – I’m forever grateful for putting this into perspective for me.  I’m also very grateful for the beautiful handbags that were “trash” to you.

2.  To my first Internet girl friend – I don’t even know where to begin.  Thank you for being the sister I’d always wanted.  For accepting me, as I was.  For being the one I could tell my ridiculous stories to… and who wouldn’t think less of me.  Thank you for helping me train for the Austin Marathon… and running me to the finish line when I didn’t think I’d do it fast enough on my own.  Thank you for my nieces and the joy they bring to me…and who else get’s an “Auntie America” Thank you for holidays, dinners, Boxing Days and letting me be cheeky…Because… I’m definitely a cheeky little bender. 

3.  To the tall, handsome guy with a fancy title in a badass industry – thank you for accepting my random invitation to get coffee so I could hear your story.  My time in Austin forever changed when we agreed to be friends after that coffee.  Thank you for showing me true, authentic, non-judgmental, easy, fun friendship.  So many of my favorite memories include you – I know that our paths were meant to cross, because I can’t imagine my life without you in it – it’s like you’ve always been there.  

4.  To the other tall, handsome guy – thank you for keeping me in check.  For knowing what to say…and when to say it.  Thank you for your honesty, and pushing me to pursue my happiness.  Thank you for your amazing hugs.  Thank you for telling me, “people like us don’t set the bar…we are the bar!”  We’re going to do amazing things; kid… and I wouldn’t be about to do what I am without your support and encouragement.

5.  To my business partners…thank you for your friendship, inspiration, perfect timing and believing in me.  We’re gonna rock this.

6.  To all of Kitty City – thank you for being you.  We’re a motley crew of folks, but we’re neighbors turned friends.  Thank you for being there for me in the last year… when things were bad… you were the net to catch me, to pick me up.  Thank you for friendship, your amazing wine drinking abilities, your sense of community and taking care of me and my fur babies. 

7.  To my favorite mid-westie.  Thank you for all things casseroles.  For being my live music, traveling, happy houring, crawling under trains…partner-in-crime.  I appreciate your drive, to be more, do more – and the collaborative thoughts you bring to the table.  Thank you for caring for me and laughing with me. 

8.  To the one person I can tolerate being predictably late…all…of…the…time, there’s a reason we were both in nearly the same thing at the same time.  Thank you for relating, for inspiring, for listening and being honest with me.  Sunshine Market’s sales will surely go down now that we’re not tag-teaming the wine aisle.  There’s few people who could pull off walking into a sold out Pearl Jam show… you’re one of them!  Use that good fortune, to go, do and be amazing.  It’s your time to shine – I mean, what would Jeff Lewis say to you?? 

9.  To that friend I used to have, I thank you for showing me what friendship was not… so I could realize what friendship actually was. 

10.  Finally, to the person who abandoned, dropped off or lost the sweetest, cutest, most loving puppy dog – thank you for knowing that she’d find her way to a person who would love her more than she could have ever imagined.  That puppy has changed my idea of love, friendship, happiness and acceptance.  I’m a better person because she’s in my life. 

It’s been a crazy, wild, amazing adventure here in Austin.  I’ll forever be grateful for my time here, the shows, festivals, nights on 6^th Street and Rainey, the food, sunshine, the memories, the laughter and the growth.  You’re part of my story Austin… and I’m so glad that I get to brag about that time I lived in this amazing little city! 

Much love,

Anna

Refresher Course

Are you willing to give without being asked?  Are you willing to help without knowing your efforts would be acknowledged, much less appreciated?  Are you willing to go above the call of duty, without regard to what you may gain?  Are you willing to listen and not speak?  Are you willing to reach out, offer a hand, ear, shoulder or simply your time and friendship, if for nothing else because they’ve offered the same to you, and you took gladly took it when you needed it. 

Roles will always reverse.  If you’re the person who gives freely and happily, you’ll eventually find yourself in a space where you need to receive; receive the love, care and gifts of others.  Conversely, if you’re in the habit of taking or receiving the gifts of others, your character and friendship is defined when it’s your turn to give.  Are you as quick to give, as you are to receive?

Major life changes have a funny way of sifting the fluff, the unnecessary and unfulfilling out of your life.  You gain perspective – both on who you are in this world and whom those you’ve chosen to surround yourself with.  Everyone was placed in your world for a reason – it’s either you are teaching, or you are learning.  In a perfect friendship, you’re equal parts both teacher and student.  It’s those friendships that need to be celebrated.

I’ve been lucky enough to have a few of these major life changes – and I’m thankful I’ve taken what many would perceive as something negative, sad and scary and saw the good, the opportunity and the many silver linings.  I patiently waited for the lessons to come and relished in the opportunity to take my turn as the one who needed the hands, ears, shoulders, time and friendship of those who I’ve given to in the past. 

I drove through Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, California and back to realize what I’ve learned before – I am loved.  I have developed amazing friendships with some of the most incredible people.  I guess some lessons are worth a refresher course here and there. 

In the spirit of celebrating and honoring those friendships, the way they deserve -I decided earlier in the week to cancel my going away party.  In my remaining days as an Austin resident, I am choosing to spend my time with those who have freely given to me their time, love, support, encouragement and friendship - when I needed it most.   It is those types of friendships who inspire me most and give me comfort as I embark into the unknown.  Some have been there since I got to Austin, others have been there for a few months – time, like distance doesn’t matter with these types of friends.  It’s those friendships I’ll hold tightly as I head west on Interstate 10 – because they have my back, and I know without a shadow of a doubt, each of them knows I have theirs too – yesterday, today and tomorrow.