I didn’t really believe it would happen when they said it would, and certainly not to this extent! Our local meteorologists had a real doosey on their hands with this storm – something other than sunny and seventies? But they were right. And boy was I thankful I left New Mexico when I did…because I would have been driving through the worst of the worst, and likely hating every minute of it! It’s funny how the world works sometimes, looking out for us in ways we don’t usually expect.
Storm Watch, Twenty Ten is about to come to a close, so I figured I’d sit in this chilled air, the sound of rain hitting the roof and windows and be a little lazy. It’s true what they say about Southern Californians, they really have no idea how to live in the rain, much less how to drive in it. I’d like to thank those storms that spent the last 6 days rolling off the Pacific for reminding me what it feels like to live in weather; to have to have the forethought to grab an umbrella and a jacket, to think twice about wearing my Rainbow flip flops out of the house, to slow down on the freeways and be patient and kind to the other drivers out there and to fall asleep to the thunder, the lightening and the sound of rain.
Somehow in all that sogginess, I found myself grounded and happy. Content and inspired. Thoughtful and thankful.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
“Be happy that it happened, not sad it’s over”
Life is funny how it works sometimes. Dr. Warren says we’re perfectly compatible. And who’s to doubt him, right? Certainly not me! If I could have made a list of what “he” looks like, he would’ve fit the bill. Strong willed, active, handsome, educated, funny, drives a truck, loves his family…all the way down to the blue eyes. And with that, I pushed forward, odds stacked against me.
Something in Dr. Warren’s equation was off when it came to the two of us. We’re a lot a like. So much so, I believe it’s precisely why we spent days agitated and unhappy – neither of which is inherent to either of our personalities. We were not yin and yang. We were yin and yin. Both fighting to be right, to be heard and to be seen. Acting on the unspoken perceptions of what we thought the other was thinking, doing and being. Both running against solid, doubly reinforced concrete walls. Both trying, and growing frustrated when our efforts failed again and again.
All of it reminded me of that sphere-shaped toy, with the shaped holes and same shaped pegs. We weren’t putting the matching peg to the matching hole. Frustration clearly ensued. Lots of it. But we tried. I honestly believe that we both gave it the “old college try.” For that, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for having met him, for the comfort he gave me in speaking my truth, for the experience, the journey.
As I left New Mexico that Saturday morning, I couldn’t help but be sad. Hardly ever are goodbyes, goodbye, right? Sure, there is a part of me that isn’t ready to march on…because to me, it means that my daily talks and text with him may cease entirely. My days, look different without him a part of them. But there is larger part of me that has so much respect and adoration for the man that he is, that I want him to be happy, healthy, loved and successful. I’d like to believe he feels the same way about me. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn’t make it any easier. But the journey was worth every second of it. I know that I’m a part of the fabric of his life as much as he is now a part of mine. Everything happens for a reason, and while sometimes life allows you to see those reasons, sometimes you just have to appreciate it, even if you don’t understand it.
And on the drive home, guess what I saw? A sliver moon.
Something in Dr. Warren’s equation was off when it came to the two of us. We’re a lot a like. So much so, I believe it’s precisely why we spent days agitated and unhappy – neither of which is inherent to either of our personalities. We were not yin and yang. We were yin and yin. Both fighting to be right, to be heard and to be seen. Acting on the unspoken perceptions of what we thought the other was thinking, doing and being. Both running against solid, doubly reinforced concrete walls. Both trying, and growing frustrated when our efforts failed again and again.
All of it reminded me of that sphere-shaped toy, with the shaped holes and same shaped pegs. We weren’t putting the matching peg to the matching hole. Frustration clearly ensued. Lots of it. But we tried. I honestly believe that we both gave it the “old college try.” For that, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for having met him, for the comfort he gave me in speaking my truth, for the experience, the journey.
As I left New Mexico that Saturday morning, I couldn’t help but be sad. Hardly ever are goodbyes, goodbye, right? Sure, there is a part of me that isn’t ready to march on…because to me, it means that my daily talks and text with him may cease entirely. My days, look different without him a part of them. But there is larger part of me that has so much respect and adoration for the man that he is, that I want him to be happy, healthy, loved and successful. I’d like to believe he feels the same way about me. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn’t make it any easier. But the journey was worth every second of it. I know that I’m a part of the fabric of his life as much as he is now a part of mine. Everything happens for a reason, and while sometimes life allows you to see those reasons, sometimes you just have to appreciate it, even if you don’t understand it.
And on the drive home, guess what I saw? A sliver moon.
Go to your home! What are you too good for your HOME?
My brain is overwhelmed right now. Thoughts twisting in and out, up and down and all around. This feeling tells me I need to write. Writing gives my mind order. So does running…but I already ran today, and now it’s dark and rainy, so I’ll write.
Last week Wednesday I began the journey to Texas. I mean, I made the decision to relocate my life there nearly three weeks ago, but last week, I actually loaded up my car and drove. With my three favorite worldly possessions: my LG TV, my Calpholon pans, and my Cat, Stella, I drove all the way to Austin.
Being in the car that long…just you and your thoughts, can be both overwhelming and affirming. I learned that the DTE on my car changes, often, and seeing how far you can go without stopping for gas should be avoided, especially in West Texas. I was reminded that with each setting sun, a new day is promised. Thankfully, I saw some amazing sunsets to reinforce this revelation. I learned that Costco is more amazing than I originally thought, as it got me a discount at my hotel in Las Cruces, NM. I learned that Stella, is not as into traveling as I am. I discovered beauty in each and every state I crossed. I realized that with age, comes a sense of mortality and an appreciation for the life you have – with that, I decided to avoid Chucacabras and flat tires, and stop earlier than I wanted. I learned that tires are cheaper in Texas.
As I approached Austin, I thought to myself, “Really?” Scott asked me that night if it “felt like home yet”. I didn’t know what to make of that. I mean, how could it feel like home? Only a carload of my things was with me, I didn’t have an apartment, I didn’t have a job, or the means to really build my business…how could it feel like home?
Then I realized, it’s none of that which makes any place feel like home. It’s the people who share the space around me that create my feeling of home. Let’s face it folks…I haven’t technically had a home, at least not my own, since November. Thankfully, I have been blessed to feel at home, so long as I feel love around me.
In the moments I forget this, I feel overwhelmed at all I need to do to get back to Austin, to make it my new home. So I pledge to do my best to remember the amazing friends and family I have, who support my decisions, who offer advice and encouragement…who love me, wherever I’m at. Because that’s home.
Last week Wednesday I began the journey to Texas. I mean, I made the decision to relocate my life there nearly three weeks ago, but last week, I actually loaded up my car and drove. With my three favorite worldly possessions: my LG TV, my Calpholon pans, and my Cat, Stella, I drove all the way to Austin.
Being in the car that long…just you and your thoughts, can be both overwhelming and affirming. I learned that the DTE on my car changes, often, and seeing how far you can go without stopping for gas should be avoided, especially in West Texas. I was reminded that with each setting sun, a new day is promised. Thankfully, I saw some amazing sunsets to reinforce this revelation. I learned that Costco is more amazing than I originally thought, as it got me a discount at my hotel in Las Cruces, NM. I learned that Stella, is not as into traveling as I am. I discovered beauty in each and every state I crossed. I realized that with age, comes a sense of mortality and an appreciation for the life you have – with that, I decided to avoid Chucacabras and flat tires, and stop earlier than I wanted. I learned that tires are cheaper in Texas.
As I approached Austin, I thought to myself, “Really?” Scott asked me that night if it “felt like home yet”. I didn’t know what to make of that. I mean, how could it feel like home? Only a carload of my things was with me, I didn’t have an apartment, I didn’t have a job, or the means to really build my business…how could it feel like home?
Then I realized, it’s none of that which makes any place feel like home. It’s the people who share the space around me that create my feeling of home. Let’s face it folks…I haven’t technically had a home, at least not my own, since November. Thankfully, I have been blessed to feel at home, so long as I feel love around me.
In the moments I forget this, I feel overwhelmed at all I need to do to get back to Austin, to make it my new home. So I pledge to do my best to remember the amazing friends and family I have, who support my decisions, who offer advice and encouragement…who love me, wherever I’m at. Because that’s home.
New Year, New Decade
Welcome to Twenty-Ten.
Last week, I was reading the Rolling Stone issue dedicated to the 00 decade. It was the first time in a long time I sat and read it cover to cover. I was mesmerized by how much has changed in the world of music in the last ten years. Then I started thinking about how much the world, period, has changed in the last decade. AND THEN… I started thinking about how much has changed for me in these ten years.
Being only 30 years old…I’d dare say that this decade was the most memorable and transformational. Since I rang in the New Year in 2000, these are some of the things I’ve done…
-Pulled countless all-nighters in architecture studio
-Made friends
-Graduated from the University of Michigan
-Moved to California – twice
-Driven across the country 3 times
-Had my heart broken
-Learned what I couldn’t live with, and couldn’t live without
-Lost my virginity
-Seen more live music that I probably can recount
-Stepped foot on 4 of the 7 continents
-Lost friends
-Ran marathons
-Learned to show emotion and be vulnerable
-Learned to be comfortable in my own skin
-Adopted Stella Mae
-Said goodbye
-Watched my friends get married and have babies.
-Missed home. Missed my family.
-Was a waitress and bartender
-Realized what my god-given talents were and matched them with my passions
-Changed careers
-Cried, laughed, loved, admired, adored and cherished
Monday, January 4, 2010
I'm not asking for...
Laughter in all I do, but joy, even the tough times.
Someone who matches everything about me, but complements me perfectly.
A life that affords me to travel the world, but to appreciate the beauty in everything around me, wherever I am.
Complete understanding, but faith in knowing everything will work out.
You to give more than you’re willing to give, just know that I’m giving with all I’ve got.
Perfection, but the best you have to offer.
Fame and fortune, but to be surrounded by the best people on this planet.
Something which is easy, but something which matters.
Someone who matches everything about me, but complements me perfectly.
A life that affords me to travel the world, but to appreciate the beauty in everything around me, wherever I am.
Complete understanding, but faith in knowing everything will work out.
You to give more than you’re willing to give, just know that I’m giving with all I’ve got.
Perfection, but the best you have to offer.
Fame and fortune, but to be surrounded by the best people on this planet.
Something which is easy, but something which matters.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Chin UP, Buttercup!!
PF Chang’s is where I caught up with Kiana and Vadim tonight. Both of them had excitement in their eyes for my stories…my plans and the journey ahead of me. I’d be crazy to tell you that the decision to move to Austin hasn’t been filled with fear and uncertainty. Again, I am making a leap of faith. I took one almost 8 years ago when I made the journey west by myself. I left Michigan, my family and my friends for a dream, an opportunity. I think I’m doing that again.
I sort of laughed at my fortune tonight…something, blah, blah, blah…but to “keep my chin up”. Got it. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s keep my chin up. Sure, I, like you will wallow in the uncertainty, the toughness, and the unfairness of life sometimes. But I’m pretty good about keeping my chin up, and knowing that things will work themselves out. They always do.
A while back, I wrote about taking a leap of faith. Well, that particular leap has happened. Faith, I know, is having a belief is something you can’t see, but you can feel. In my experience, it’s coupled with uncertainty and usually excitement. And usually, if I’m brave enough to leap, the rewards far out weigh whatever risk I had perceived. This particular leap was full of excitement. Maybe too much. Sometimes I have a habit of making things be really awesome in my head…I’m an architect by training…I’m a creative, out-of-the-box, anything is possible sort of thinker. And quite honestly, awesome things have been plentiful in this little life of mine. Anyway, back to the leap – it was not at all what I expected, but likely precisely what I needed.
Know why I know that it was precisely what I needed? It happened.
It was real, raw, emotional, germy, confused, vulnerable and abrasive. Frustrating as I tried so so so hard to avoid any of these things. And liberating now that I see despite my trying to avoid these feelings…I was honest. Honest with where I was at and exactly how I was feeling. I was apologetic for being that way, when it may have been easier for me to be anything but…but not so apologetic that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel these feelings.
You see, a former version of me would have buried those feelings deep down. Didn’t want to hurt, offend, and upset. Didn’t want to feel. And certainly not if it meant being vulnerable.
The Anna I who I see in the mirror now…I’m proud of. I’m proud of my openness, with who I am, what I want and what I expect of the people in my life. I’m proud of my honesty, to say the things I need to say without fear of letting you down…because I’m no longer letting myself down. I’m proud of the compassion and love in my heart. I wasn’t always willing to show this, and I know now to feel real true love from the people around me, it’s up to me to show it first. I’m thankful for the relationships I’ve harvested in the last few years, and in the last few months. It’s because of these relationships, I’m now content with the hand of cards that I’ve been dealt…because without knowing why, or what the outcome may be, I know that this hand will lead me into the next chapter of my life. And my chin will held in the UP position!
I sort of laughed at my fortune tonight…something, blah, blah, blah…but to “keep my chin up”. Got it. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s keep my chin up. Sure, I, like you will wallow in the uncertainty, the toughness, and the unfairness of life sometimes. But I’m pretty good about keeping my chin up, and knowing that things will work themselves out. They always do.
A while back, I wrote about taking a leap of faith. Well, that particular leap has happened. Faith, I know, is having a belief is something you can’t see, but you can feel. In my experience, it’s coupled with uncertainty and usually excitement. And usually, if I’m brave enough to leap, the rewards far out weigh whatever risk I had perceived. This particular leap was full of excitement. Maybe too much. Sometimes I have a habit of making things be really awesome in my head…I’m an architect by training…I’m a creative, out-of-the-box, anything is possible sort of thinker. And quite honestly, awesome things have been plentiful in this little life of mine. Anyway, back to the leap – it was not at all what I expected, but likely precisely what I needed.
Know why I know that it was precisely what I needed? It happened.
It was real, raw, emotional, germy, confused, vulnerable and abrasive. Frustrating as I tried so so so hard to avoid any of these things. And liberating now that I see despite my trying to avoid these feelings…I was honest. Honest with where I was at and exactly how I was feeling. I was apologetic for being that way, when it may have been easier for me to be anything but…but not so apologetic that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel these feelings.
You see, a former version of me would have buried those feelings deep down. Didn’t want to hurt, offend, and upset. Didn’t want to feel. And certainly not if it meant being vulnerable.
The Anna I who I see in the mirror now…I’m proud of. I’m proud of my openness, with who I am, what I want and what I expect of the people in my life. I’m proud of my honesty, to say the things I need to say without fear of letting you down…because I’m no longer letting myself down. I’m proud of the compassion and love in my heart. I wasn’t always willing to show this, and I know now to feel real true love from the people around me, it’s up to me to show it first. I’m thankful for the relationships I’ve harvested in the last few years, and in the last few months. It’s because of these relationships, I’m now content with the hand of cards that I’ve been dealt…because without knowing why, or what the outcome may be, I know that this hand will lead me into the next chapter of my life. And my chin will held in the UP position!
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