Chin UP, Buttercup!!

PF Chang’s is where I caught up with Kiana and Vadim tonight. Both of them had excitement in their eyes for my stories…my plans and the journey ahead of me. I’d be crazy to tell you that the decision to move to Austin hasn’t been filled with fear and uncertainty. Again, I am making a leap of faith. I took one almost 8 years ago when I made the journey west by myself. I left Michigan, my family and my friends for a dream, an opportunity. I think I’m doing that again.

I sort of laughed at my fortune tonight…something, blah, blah, blah…but to “keep my chin up”. Got it. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s keep my chin up. Sure, I, like you will wallow in the uncertainty, the toughness, and the unfairness of life sometimes. But I’m pretty good about keeping my chin up, and knowing that things will work themselves out. They always do.

A while back, I wrote about taking a leap of faith. Well, that particular leap has happened. Faith, I know, is having a belief is something you can’t see, but you can feel. In my experience, it’s coupled with uncertainty and usually excitement. And usually, if I’m brave enough to leap, the rewards far out weigh whatever risk I had perceived. This particular leap was full of excitement. Maybe too much. Sometimes I have a habit of making things be really awesome in my head…I’m an architect by training…I’m a creative, out-of-the-box, anything is possible sort of thinker. And quite honestly, awesome things have been plentiful in this little life of mine. Anyway, back to the leap – it was not at all what I expected, but likely precisely what I needed.

Know why I know that it was precisely what I needed? It happened.

It was real, raw, emotional, germy, confused, vulnerable and abrasive. Frustrating as I tried so so so hard to avoid any of these things. And liberating now that I see despite my trying to avoid these feelings…I was honest. Honest with where I was at and exactly how I was feeling. I was apologetic for being that way, when it may have been easier for me to be anything but…but not so apologetic that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel these feelings.

You see, a former version of me would have buried those feelings deep down. Didn’t want to hurt, offend, and upset. Didn’t want to feel. And certainly not if it meant being vulnerable.

The Anna I who I see in the mirror now…I’m proud of. I’m proud of my openness, with who I am, what I want and what I expect of the people in my life. I’m proud of my honesty, to say the things I need to say without fear of letting you down…because I’m no longer letting myself down. I’m proud of the compassion and love in my heart. I wasn’t always willing to show this, and I know now to feel real true love from the people around me, it’s up to me to show it first. I’m thankful for the relationships I’ve harvested in the last few years, and in the last few months. It’s because of these relationships, I’m now content with the hand of cards that I’ve been dealt…because without knowing why, or what the outcome may be, I know that this hand will lead me into the next chapter of my life. And my chin will held in the UP position!